Single again

I get so wrapped up in people I forget who I am or they try to change me or whatever. Accept me for me or don't bother.

fuck me.

Do I ever do anything that makes sense? Do I even know anything? I keep thinking I am so sure of everything and I always end up wrong. Thought I was bi, then straight then bi again then gay and now bi? WTF is wrong with me? I am always behind and I work harder for other people than I allow to do for myself. All I want is happiness and when I think I have that I fuck it up somehow. My life is coming together and falling apart all at once. Am I just making all my same mistakes over and over and over again and expecting something different? as the true defination of insnity. I am just lost and confused because I don't know where to go and I feel stuck in quicksand. I was doing well for almost a year and what fucked it up? A relationship or two. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't. I almost got engaged to a girl I had seen once and felt a connection to, but I backed out and I had my reasons for it but then I find someone I really connect with and I don't know....I just don't know. All of the things that happen in situations like this have happened. I let everything fall apart in my room, I walk around constantly disheveled. I don't remember that last time I did some things like brush my teeth for instance. I try more now than I did when I was feeling better and sometimes I don't even get any positive results. I am so sad sometimes and I don't get anyone who seems to understand. I hate this not knowing what to do and that every day I am more lost than the day before. I want to be able to get dressed more than just to see people. I mostly kick back in pjs all day. But that can go for days on end. I wanna be a writer and I can't even stand on my feet. I can't even write most of the time! I just want to crawl in a hole. Why am I faced with so much? Why can't I see reason? Why is reason insanity to me? Fuck fuck fuck fuck me. I HATE EVERYTHING. I can't even pick up the phone to schedule my next therapy appointment. I don't ever know how to fix me. I can try and fix everyone but myself. I don't even feel worth fixing.

Oh

And I borked up with the woman that I thought I was going to marry. One day I just woke up And didn't love her anymore. I don't know if I will ever love anyone again. I'm just too unlucky in love.

Sad again

Thought I knew myself again. Thought I was gay, but I was just coming to terms with the fact that I could date a woman am not feel like it was a horrible thing. It didn't work, but haven't had much luck in love. Practically engaged but I ended it and already tried jumping in with both feet trying to get a guy. It's like I can't be good enough. I try to just give it my all, but I end up getting used or hurt horribly emotionally. I am so sad lately. I feel so overwhelmed with school and I can't take it. I am so sad and worried that I won't make it. I just wish I wasn't so easily depressed. I started thinking about cutting again and it just sucks so bad that I don't know what to do with my life. I feel so behind but I also have no will to go to school anymore. When will it get better? I am so sure it won't. It's always two steps forward and three steps back. I don't want to end up in the hospital but that will probably end up happening again. I hate my life.

Yay

We have already said that we wanted to marry each other and she just told me that when we went to the Renaissance Festival, she was going to ask me to be her wife. *sigh* god do I love that woman.

Do I ever write about anything happy?

I am bummed. I had a dream that totally confused me. People in it that I haven't seen in years and part of it was utter beauty. There was a back story about the people in the dream not appreciating their families. This girl I went to school with had a grandfather and she was ignoring him and he just wanted to tell his story. somehow he created a firework that arced into like a rainbow, and their were amazing colors and somehow in this beauty he had pieces that he wanted her to see about his life...and somehow this ended in me trying to buy a prescription in a seedy part of town and the pharmacists and assistants were these hot chicks and all they were trying to do was sell the drugs to me. I had no idea what to ask for and even though I was in a dream of course I didn't have money there either. Then I woke up...? I went to Renaissance Festival with Bex and it was a lot of fun. I will talk about it later, it just sucks right now because I'm sad because they say I might not be eligible for the discount for the prescriptions that I'm getting right now. What am I going to do? I'm on the verge of tears but that could be from the bleeding part. I'm listening to The Bawdy Boys trying to feel better, but I just feel like shit. I can listen to em because I bought both of their CDs this year. I think I'm just gonna watch tv. Peace Out Blog.

hoping for happiness

Meeting Bex tomorrow morning at my house. Why do you think I'm up? Ambien hasn't kicked in. On a night like this I really really need sleep so I hope it works soon.

<3 Mayne

Fuck me

Out of the hospital not even a week and I'm already frustrated enough to cry and this fuxking house will be the death of me. It's so dirty and everyone is fucking lazy and no one cleans. I hate my life and I hate this house. Will someone save me? Please?

Tell me what the point is again.

I'm outside smoking. Oh I didn't tell you that? I do that sometimes now.

Life has no meaning. On my pills off my pills I'm always sick. I don't want electric shock but that's probably where it's headed. If I live. I don't want to. It hurts so bad every day.

Pretty fucking bummed again.

In a horrible place in my life where I don't know what's up or down and I just want to end it all. I have no future, won't have any kids, and whether I die or not all I will leave is sorrow. I can't find anything to live for.

Horrible day, but trying to look on the bright side.

I was in Lane Bryant today and with girl issues and depression and just how things have been lately I have been having a rough time. My eyes were glassy by the time I got to the register and my mom was paying and the lady put her hand on my arm and I turned to her and she held me as I cried. The kindness of a total stranger. It restored my faith. Sometimes I struggle so much and I'm afraid to tell people because I don't want them to be scared. But it was amazing to have such a horrible day where not really anything went right and someone who I have never met took me in their arms to be my shoulder to cry on.

I feel left out (8/20/2012)

I never feel like people understand what I am trying to get at and they look at me like ok stupid and I just don't want to handle it anymore. I told Jess that I'm running away and in the beginning it was a joke, but things have changed. I have no attachments here and I don't want to be here so it's either leave or the grave. Kurt Cobain is always in my head because remember its always better to burn out than to fade away. Some random shrink will just throw pills at me and say this will make everything better and those people at the health department like that stupid bitch who does nothing for me, they are the answer as well. Over 15 years dealing with these illnesses and they think if they throw enough pulls at me I'll be ok...but if they throw enough pills at me that might be all I need to end it all. My life doesn't get better. Happiness is fleeting, but comfort and contentment are even few and far between. My depression is constant and I don't know if I can ever repair the damage to my self esteem.

People need to want to live to survive. To have it in you that, "I can best this." my head tells me the exact opposite. I try to talk to people and they just think I'm being dramatic. So I'm I'm this alone.

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and I just want the God and Goddess to call me home.

I can't play the bullshit games. I like a handful of people in my life, I have to fake "liking" "loving" the others. I just want to live by myself until I can't take it anymore and eat a gun.

If I told someone they would put me in a hospital and I want nothing to do with that. If I want to die, why won't anyone let me? Do you know my pain? Do you know what I feel when I wake up? If you did I don't think you would be judging me. What does me being alive solve? I'll break it down:

I have to be on disability because I'm crazy and I'm afraid to work because I don't think that I would ever last long

My family? They'll get over it. They got over Grams.

Friends, they either pretend to care, care but don't know how to help, or just don't want to talk about sad shit

I tried to reach out, most recently to Jess but she thinks smoking and talking about happy things puts a band-aid on a bullet wound. I need to talk through my sad, but I guess that doesn't matter.

I should be excited because I am going to beta king classes that I think that I will like but I have no excitement. I feel dead inside. I don't want to go to the hospital because all they do is throw pills at you.

Haven't I learned enough in this life? Isn't it time for me to come home?

I wanna be with Becky and I would like to do things but then again I really don't. There is no beauty in the world and all there is is hate.

I don't have anyone to go to. But how can I kill myself without someone finding me? That's what's keeping my from doing it. Someone will find me and or have to identify me. Does anyone ever think that some people just aren't supposed to live? What absolutely NO ONE GETS IS THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I would much rather have oblivion.

I have no purpose and there is no way in fuck I would live for anyone other than myself and I don't want that. People get over death.

No one understands how miserable I am. I DON'T WANT THIS.

I keep trying to find something to fill the void, been in therapy for years, took the fucking meds put in front of me, and for what? Nothing. Lectures about smoking pot when they should have been worried about my 2 pack a day habit. But everything is ass backwards everywhere.

I'm not happy and I can't tell you the last time I was genuinely happy or content. I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I just can't hold it's weight anymore.

My mother believes in hell and purgatory and would fear for me of I got there. I don't want a catholic or Christian funeral. I just want to be buried and have it all be over. I think the Goddess and God will understand. They made me.

I don't give a fuck about who I leave behind, they're lives will go on. I don't want mine to, I have no future and I want nothing more than this to all end.

I'm just so tired, Goddess and God, please just let me sleep.

Camping.

So it was decided that for opening weekend of Renaissance Festival we would camp. We got there an hour and a half late but we were able to stay for closing ceremonies, complete with the song. I did finally get a dress. It wasn't an Irish dress where there was the over corset dress and a chemise under it. I got a 3/4 (shutter) sleeve purple cotton chemise and a black velvety belt for the knockers. Almost to my chin and shit. There was a fiasco with the credit cars but it was fixed by the end of the day. Never got the soup bread bowl but I'm hoping for next time this year. I've been battling my emotions and trying to win at this point. It has been a rough weekend. I have tried to keep eating food food and mostly I have been eating junk. To me it's been perfect camping weather. Shorts during the day, Mormon at night. I wear this long sleeve, floor length nightgown my momma bought me and people crack jokes, but im the only one who doesn't wake up freezing. I also wear a floor length robe. I have most everything out of my system so-to-say. I just want school to start and get into everything.

It sucked I slept/was in the tent all day but I knew I wouldn't be able to shut my mouth so I said as little as possible. I would have liked to hike but it just wouldn't have worked out.

I don't know when anyone is going to get up but I want to relax before I have to get back to school and I have to go to Aunt Lynn's to pick up my keys so I'm on a damn schedule. I am not going to be late on my first day.

I don't think I should camp anymore. At least not with Jessica's friends. I've been uncomfortable and this has been a horrible vacation. I was even sad at Renaissance Festival.

I just want to go home and put all of this behind me.

I want fucking coffee but the pots are fucked up because why would anyone rinse it out or anything. So I have to wait until when the fuck ever someone else gets up.

Fuck camping. NEVER AGAIN.

School

It's almost here. Hoping to not make a fool out of myself.

Got very embarrassed when a vendor had to pull me aside because my card was declined.

X

I can't wait for this to be over

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

...

One for you good buddy.

One step forward, three steps back

I think I'm in like. <3 Becky and I have been talking for a while and we more or less made it official. I feel like we may have it right. I really really really really like her, and she me. I wanna hope she's the one. I am so horrible at relationships, but I know I'll love this girl.

That's not the shitty part. I'm not sleeping again. I'm getting depressed and scared about school. When you don't sleep you start to lose sight of what's real or if you're dreaming or awake. Everything gets jumbled and I can't tell what's up or down. I don't know if it's the bipolar that makes it all this way. All I want is to be good, but I'm not. I hate. I hate people who I probably shouldn't, even family. What kind of person does that make me? I am never good enough. I'll never make it through. I am so afraid I'm gonna kill myself and hurt everyone I love. I don't think anyone understands...somewhere I remember seeing/hearing you don't know how much it takes not to kill yourself. Some days I wake up and all I do the whole day is plan and think about how and when I'll do it because it hurts to breathe. I said that, that it hurts to breathe and all I heard was I was emo and being dramatic...I was being honest. I wish I didn't have mental illnesses. I hurt my mom. She probably didn't think she would have to help bathe her daughter in her 20s and I see the battle on her face if she thinks I'm not showering enough. I'm so scared all of the time. All the time. I have been on disability for...4 years is it? I don't think I will ever get off of it. Some days I feel like a free loader because I feel well that day or week but then I fall apart. It's gotten to the point again of never sleeping or sleeping all the time, most days I wake up and try and force myself to sleep more. I feel like not only will this war never be over, but that I'm going to lose.

I just want to settle down with a nice girl (Becky) who loves me (really hope it's Becky) in a nice little house or whatever, hopefully be a successful writer who helps people who have been through what I have, keeping the people I love still around, and grow old with Becky...I mean the hypothetical girl and wait for my mom to move in with me (hey, I know it's inevitable) and be actually happy.

I just want love and to be loved and to be happy. Why is an emotion to much to ask? Ok not happy, I want to be content.

God I'm probably wrong about everything.

Will any of this come true? The positive or negative...I don't know.

Goddess and God please let this little Wiccan lesbian have her little dream.

And let me be less angry. :)

I need to do something else. I hope I write more later.

I gotta go.

I wish I could still believe in Detroit...

I had a friend who lived in Hamtramck (over 5 years ago) and he wouldn't let me stay in his driveway long and he didn't want me picking him up at night. He lived by a boarded up police station.

There were days, back when, when Detroit was segregated with all of the nationalities. Ham-town was predominately Polish (from what I know) there's Mexican-town, and even surrounding areas like Dearborn, as a lot of people know by the tv show that city is a big concentration of Muslims. I wonder if keeping everyone separate was the problem. I know people want to live with who looks like them, but maybe this city wouldn't have been as bad (murder capital of the world and all) as it has become.

My mom told me of the days when the European women would get on their hands and knees and wash their porches. At one time people had such pride for this city. They kept up with everything and made it look nice....but now...back a little bit, few years, I knew a friend who lived around 6 mile and Gratiot. The neighbor was old and would masturbate on the porch in middle of the day.

How could such a beautiful city fall so hard? Why didn't we branch out from cars? I mean a lot of people think of the Motor City or even Hockey Town and a lot of people think of Murder Capital of the World. There is one of the spoof movies, a Scary Movie sequel that did War of the Worlds. When they were showing cities that were attacked they showed buildings on fire and such and they said something like this is Detroit and then they showed the aliens and they said this is what it looked like after the attack. We are a big joke. Granted I do not live in the borders of Detroit, but how many people know what I mean when I say I live in Eastpointe? (I still miss my town being called East Detroit, then I could say where I was from and people usually got it) I say it as a matter of reference, but I enjoy being from this part of the state and my mom being the walking fact encyclopedia I know random awesome facts about this state/city.

Dd you know that Detroit has the biggest single family dwellings in the country? If you have ever been here you will notice we don't have a bunch of apartment complexes everywhere, but we do have a bunch of houses.

There are so many beautiful places there but there are also places I won't go or I am very careful to go.

Did you know they might close the Detroit Institute of Arts? If you keep closing all of the amazing things there, who is going to move back? We have less than a million people living in the city and for years I hoped it would get better...I'm losing hope. We are full of drugs, crime, pros, violence, death, and I am having a hard time finding the beauty anymore.

But then I have to remember that in the bottom of Pandora's box, there was hope.

"...All my life I've been waiting for, been praying for, for the people to say, that they don't want to fight no more, there'll be no more wars, and our children will play, One Day..." #TeamMatis

Please get better Detroit. Let more people come to know and love the area where I grew up. I want before I die for Detroit not to be a joke to everyone. I just hope that my hope is not in vain..

Peace out Blog.

At a concert.

Matisyahu, The Dirty Heads, and Moon something. Not bad. Anyway I feel old and my back hurts. They are crazy under control here and busting people left and right. The security is ridiculous. It's making this a weird experience. I am getting old for this. I just want to sit down. I might find a seat soon. Anyway can't wait for Matisyahu.

Trying to deal.

I finally told my doctor I just wanted to be on the seroquel and depakote. She raised the seroquel way to much and on Saturday it was so hard to stay awake. I couldn't take it yesterday. I was fine on the dose I was on but now she raised it a lot. I hope I get used to it fast. Maybe I should just tell her I feel like a zombie. It's so hard for me to find the fine line of where everything works. It bums me out not knowing how to feel normal. Even right now it's hard to think. I gotta go. Hoping to write today. Oh and my computer died. It's so hard to find the silver lining these days.

Patrick.

I have been talking to people about you so much. Jess told me we are all bringing sunflowers to your funeral because you were pure sunshine. You would die on Friday the 13th. That was a bittersweet laugh. I told Dave I loved him. It's been years since we were ever like that. I just don't feel mad at him anymore. I want everyone here for the funeral. I hope everyone can fly in. It's like a shit storm that's been piling up and piling on. I am trying to hold onto the ride but I feel like letting go. ... I can't and I won't. I am extremely sad that I will never get to hang out with him again. I bought an Alf shirt. I hope you appreciate it. I will never forget it forever on you (the one I got was close) and always fun times when you were around. I'm glad that through this you kinda brought us all back together.

It's so difficult. Everything piling on. I'm trying o lean on everyone because right now I can't stand on my own.

I havent been able to sleep and it's hitting hard today for some reason.

I think I'm going to force myself to sleep soon.

:( this ALL sucks.

Oh the "humanity"

I said this to Jess in a text

"Why do people hate gay people? I'm sitting on a couch crying because of a video I saw about someone losing the one he loved and he was shut out from his partner's funeral. I am so afraid of a relationship. One of the reasons I am so scared about Becky is because I get this feeling about her family, whether it's in my head or not. I really really really really like Becky and this is all just through texting! But I am fucking afraid. I'm scared to put a pride sticker on my car because I don't want to get vandalized. I hope no one wonders why it took me 28 years to come out...I am afraid every day of rejection. I knew I was gay when I was in something like the second grade. But I was TERRIFIED of what would happen if someone knew...so I buried it as deep as I possibly could and hoped I could just marry a man and live my life as a lie because honestly who chooses to be gay. Granted if I would have come out I may never have met Hank, and I don't know if I would ever like to think of a world where I never knew Hank. I just don't know how I feel about much else. I don't want to be with anyone because I'm scared of what happened in that video. If you want to see it go on George Takei's page. I need to think about something else I'm getting depressed."

I was watching the YouTube video about Tom Bridegroom and I cried so hard I had to stop the video for a minute. I am lucky to live in America because I can say that I'm gay and I won't be arrested and beheaded because I love women instead of men. I made myself confused about my sexuality for years because I was afraid of what other people would think of me because it's not common compared to straight people. Most of the boys I dated were because they said yes or showed an interest and I desperately did not want to be alone. My ex fiancé said that he was afraid that I would leave him for a woman and in a way I will always love him and he will always be in my heart, just like Hank, but he's right something like this realization would have happened and I would have left him. At this point we would have been together around a decade and I wouldn't want to destroy anyone like that so I am glad that we ended up splitting up. I still stand by that we should have been best friends and not dated. If we would have kept it friendly we still would have been friends. Well you live you learn. That's what I was hoping for this that I would learn to stand up for myself and anyone else who isn't free to love who they love. I think I am only one person, but many of the people I admire stood up for what they thought was right and some even died for it. I don't want to be a martyr. I freak out when I think my best friend doesn't like me, how would it be on a larger scale? But I feel I have to speak out for those who can't or those who, like me, are scared to try. I want to be an activist. I believe that everyone should have the right to be with who they love. Even before I came out and I believed that I only liked men I still thought that.

I am so afraid to love some girl because of how it will look. Will I get looks for PDA? Will someone find out who I am and flip and do something like throw rocks at my car? (it could happen) I always tried to stay in the norm. I rebelled and tried to be a nonconformist and think outside the box but not in my love life because I was afraid of what would happen if I shared my true feelings. I get depressed over the fact that I'm gay. It sucks having 2 stigmas follow me around being crazy and gay. I get so scared that I won't make it because I don't expect a happy ending. I hope one day I'll be able to help someone, because what I am/have been going through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Being Gay Sucks.

Lol. I feel so out of place. One of the reasons I didn't come out when I was a kid. I knew very young that I was gay but I was so afraid of being made fun of or that people like my friends and family wouldn't love me because of it. I didn't want a life of struggle so I said I liked dick. Then I was able to say that I was bi and that was enough for a while. It isn't now. I was confused for years because I buried my sexuality in the deepest place I could and would hold the little experiences I had with women and keep them close because that's when I felt normal. Would I wish a life where people will look at me either just to stare or just to judge me for who I love? Why would I want ridicule? Why would I want to do something that many people view as wrong? It's simple...I don't want to live a lie. Luckily I have many people who love me and they don't care who I love. It's weird because when I came out I didn't care if I was with anyone. I have been talking to a girl for a couple months but I don't feel compelled like I used to when it comes to being with someone. I don't know how long it will last but I don't mind being single. My mom has been making me uncomfortable because of this. I hop she will get used to it. I'm upset, I can't type anymore now. I'll get back to this later.

I just want to be alone sometimes

I am glad I can stay at Jess' but I feel the weight of that. I just wish I could live in a apartment and read books until indie. I try so hard to be a normal human like everyone else but no one gets me when I feel this destitute. At this very moment I don't plan to make it to 40. Not for some urge to die, but because what's the point. School makes me happy, but no one is going to pay me to go to school. I can barely sit in a room with people I know without taking Xanax. I just don't have any fight in me right now. I don't even know if I wish that I did. I am ambivalent and that may be worse. I am so complacent on something I should be fighting to keep my life...but in a sense I have noting to live for. Like in equalibrium, without emotion life is just a ticking clock. That's what I feel like, a clock ticking until it just...stops.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it takes the strength of thousands to not swallow every, last pill.

What do I do?

How do I get past thing like today. It was (and a little still is) hard to see normalcy. Every thought was sadness or a real/what seemed real failure. It's just such a focus on what I haven't done and how I feel I shoul be somewhere else. Everything takes time. I am so scared that I am wasting mine and I try to do everything that I can because essentially I have no idea how much time I have on this planet...but days like this it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough. I am scared to start new things and anxiety creeps up with the more people that I am around and sometimes that includes the people closest to me. I want to be better but I'm scares every day of my life that I am going to fall. What I want in this minute is to just live in some apartment somewhere, have the stuff that I do, except the speakers, would have to get my own of those...I think that I would be happy. I am getting so insular that I don't feel like I have to be around someone all the time to be ok. When I was deep in my depression/anxiety/nervous breakdown I needed to be by someone at all times and some of the reason is so that I wouldn't be alone...I have this fear of in the physical sense dying alone, so I never wanted to be alone. I figured with my track record of hospital visits and my suicide attempt I never expected to live a long life, so I wanted someone to be by me so that I wouldn't be alone when I died...but everyone dies alone. Even if I have everyone I love around me, it's me taking that journey...I hope that one day this shit will get easier but I have a lot of work that I have to do. I am so afraid that I am not going to accomplish anything in my life. It doesn't really matter in the long run. I want to try to be a good person. It's hard to do. I don't like bitching and being a bitch. I wish that I was comfortable enough to just be nice and not worry what everyone was thinking. To truly not care what other people thought and to he able to just be myself would be an accomplishment that at this point I still haven't been able to master. I feel so much stress and it's so hard to sleep and there is a lot about my life that I am unhappy about and I don't even know how to change some of it. I think all the time and even relaxing I'm always thinking about something. I have tried taking deep breaths to help with how I think and trying to relax. I don't want to look back and regret my life. I hope what I think is important is worth it in the long run.

Breathe 1 2...


But sometimes I just wish it was over. I get to the point that I just don't want to fight it anymore. That's where I am today. I just want to give up. So much is piling up on me that I feel like I can't breathe.


I wish I could still love who I do, but not see most of them ever again.

No more getting too sad.

First time I have been suicidal in a year and a half...

I thought I was doing so well...and in a way I was. I want to tell people that I woke up wanting to die but I have my reasons why I can't. Me is dealing with James and she's probably really scares for him and I don't want to add to her being already over stressed. I can't tell my mom, what mom wants to hear that her child is so sad at the world all she wants to do is cease living? I can't bare to think of my life where there. Would be a world where my mom wasn't living. Sis wouldn't know what to say and might think about canceling her trip and I don't want her to because she rarely goes on vacation and she deserves it. Her baby will be here soon and it will be harder for her to travel. I wouldn't know what to say to dad and I would worry him. Mom could tell something was wrong on the phone and I think, how can I ever get past something like this without my momma? I can't tell Face, she would over talk me trying to make me feel better but wouldn't let me vent to get it out. I can't tell Fred because he's fighting a war and I don't want to add to his stress at all if I can help it, I just want him to come home...I was in a grocery store with Me around Father's Day and I saw a soldier wearing fatigues and I wanted to walk up to her and say Thank You and instead I burst into tears. I miss my brother. I want him home. I don't have many other close people in my life. There are many people in my life I love and are close Ina different way, like Jimmy, Aunt Lynn, and Uncle Doug. Aunt Lynn is my 3rd mom (Grams is the second) as I was growing up I loved and hated her as a mom and when I was at her house I was part of the family, not the extended family but the family and I never felt like an outsider, I felt like I belonged there. Being as scared as I was for so long at everything that's one of the few things that hasn't changed. I still walk in the house there and feel like its my second home. But I wouldn't feel right talking to them about this. I don't think they couldn't handle it, it's the not knowing how to say it I guess. I have very few friends who aren't family, I love some like they were though like Ed. I don't know if it's because we aren't besties but people don't treat him well and he has been a good friend to me even when I didn't deserve it but I don't know how to talk about this to him. How am I ever going to make it after my mom dies? She knows what to say and how to help me and what if I have another nervous breakdown? Who will help me bathe in the bathtub and tell me after how soft my hair feels? I don't know how I can do this. I'm so scared all I will ever be able to do in life is go to college and try and keep appointments. I am so scared of everything else I don't know how I am going to survive. At this moment I don't even want to live and that's the hard part. I'm sitting here planning my death and the personal notes I will leave to important people and that I don't ever want the little ones to know how I died and that I want to be cremated but I still want a headstone and I want my ashes spread in a forest. I keep reading all of the horrible things in the world and I just wish that I was completely ignorant of all of them. I don't know how I can help starving children all over the world who have never felt full. I don't understand Christians hating me because I love women instead of men. God told you to love your brother as yourself. Jesus said love one another as I have loved you. Even if I wanted to be Christian I couldn't because who I love is an abomination. Why? Should I live my life married to a man who is a good friend but never feel sexually satisfied and still always wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been able to be with that girl that when I first looked at her the whole world disappeared. I don't even care that I can't get married to a girlfriend. It's a piece of paper commemorating my commitment. Showing her every day that I love her and making her happy is my life goal and she knows it would be enough for me. Being bipolar and having generalized anxiety disorder and being a lesbian has become hard. I read stories that are Matthew Sheppard related and it makes me want to die. It took me 28 years to come out because I was so afraid of what people I knew would think. A part of me is scared out of my mind I'll be a victim of a hate crime. Why am I not allowed to love who I love? I dated &?#@. I could have married him. The only people that would have been pissed would have been my family. I have to be careful if I want to do any sort of PDA with a woman I'm with. What if I can't find a job I would be able to do? I'm so afraid I will be on disability all of my life because right now I can't imagine making it to tomorrow. I keep thinking about the hospital. I hope for sis's sake of it happens it's after her vacation. I am so scared I won't make anything of my life. The classes I want to take are nutrition classes, sign language, philosophy, the next English class I have to take to get to the other English classes I want to take, intro to psychology, and self defense. What degree could that make? I want to learn (knowledge is power -Scott Cunningham) as much as I can and I have this thirst for knowledge that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fill, but where will that get me in life? Even though my college career I have a steady 4.0 the degree might end up general studies. I want an English degree so I could be an editor and hopefully write my book, but I don't even know I'd that is possible. I have so much to do and I'm so scared I'm not even up for the challenge. Oh great God and Goddess help me find my way, Pandora I ask you to remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and in the bottom of the box there was hope...

'Morning Bloggie

Ok so I'm yet again sleep deprived. Running on 4 hours so I hope that this makes sense...then again most shit I post doesn't ;p

Today marks the 43rd anniversary of the Stonewall Inn riots. I was unaware of them until today. I have a lot of pride pages that I follow, and half of them I followed before I came out. I never really thought of why we have parades. I seriously thought at one time it was because "We're here, we're queer, get used to it." I thought it was just a community reaching out and saying don't push me aside. But I am lucky enough to be born in a generation where I literally went on Facebook and told my little world that I was gay. Not one person I know said anything horrible to me and any time I have worn my pride gear no one has treated me different. But that wasn't always the case for my fellow homos :) I didn't know we could be arrested for holding hands. I didn't know that the F.B.I. Would be notified of your homosexuality and you would be put on a list, the god damn F.B.I. Knew your sexuality because "as a homosexual you were "prone" to blackmail and "overt acts of perversion." As you know I am a very emotional person and I cry at the drop of a hat, today was no exception. I read some of these things and tears were streaming (and currently they are watering again just from remembering what I read) I am a slightly discriminative person but I think a lot of people are to some extent. I am mean for no reason at times. I am irreverent. I swear in such a way it's almost paying homage to my dad, no one can swear with such elegance. With all of these imperfections I still identify as being Wiccan and I try my best not to harm. I make rude/crude jokes but I never intend to hurt people and it genuinely bothers me if I do. How could people hate so much? I am scared a little bit. I have feared coming out for years and I kept my feelings from everyone. I didn't want to be different. Even though I'm not alone I feel like the only lesbian in the world (that's the first time I ever called myself a lesbian, I like saying I'm gay better. I have always just liked that word better) I know I'm not, my pride pages and friends and family show me I'm not alone and even though they are mostly straight they haven't made me feel like I'm indecent for saying that I would rather be with a chick. I look back after coming out and I see that the boys I was with were there so that I wouldn't be alone. I dated a &$@! for Christ sake. Not something I'm proud of, but I can twist and make any kind of excuse for someone to help keep my bed warm. The first experience I had with a chick that went beyond kissing was also with a guy but I wanted nothing to do with him. The first person I ever loved was my best friend and all I wanted to do was tell her, but even at my young age I knew she would destroy me and call me names. Knowing that I was afraid to tell anyone that I felt this way. I knew as I was slightly older that my parents wouldn't change their opinion of me. My Mom's maid of honor and childhood best friend is a lesbian and (I forget the exactness so I'm paraphrasing) my dad said that he would be doing the water cooler talk type of thing and someone asked my dad if there was another woman and he replied who ever said it is a woman and he walked away. My parents accept a lot from us kids. They want us to go to school at all costs and they said if we (the three of us) ever needed help to go to further our education they would find a way. They looked at us with our individualism and let us run with it. My parents would give their shirt off of their back for anyone. A good friend of mine was going through a divorce and she needed to store some of her stuff (she was loving in California with her mom before she got married so I'm the only person she knew in the state other than her husband's family) so she wouldn't have to throw it out. I have basically all she owns in life that she couldn't take to her boyfriend's house and my parents are cool with me storing it because they have hearts unlike some evil bastards. My parents have been low on money for a while and we are in some serious debt. I had asked if she could move in because she was in need I thought. My mom heard what she was having to deal with and I know they would have let her stay. With what little we have extra now adays I know that they would do it because they look at it as the right thing to do. It bothers me to this day that the people who lived with us never took my mom out to dinner to say thank you or anything. They just used our house so they could get away from responsibility. I was never a perfect child to them, but I tried to be a good child who at least does the right thing. I think they deserve that because they taught me to be a descent human being. I was never afraid to be myself in front of them. The sexuality part wasn't really worry about how they would react, it was a little but in my heart I knew they would still love me. My parents and I, since I became a teenager have had a friend relationship. My mom is neck and neck for best friend status. Lol. Now all three of us argue like roommates. My mom has kept my phone up when I haven't been able to pay for it because it was low jack. I had more freedom than most teens I knew, but that's because my parents trusted me to make the right decisions. If my mom wanted to talk to me she would call me and ask where I was and when I was coming home and that was it. They have said that none of us (the three again) have respect for them, but I totally respect them. They are two of the most amazing people I have the luxury of being able to know. My brother and sister are like my parents. I didn't really worry. When I identified as being bi my brother had a girlfriend who didn't want to come over because she thought I would make unwanted advances against her and my brother stood up for me. I don't remember what was said to her but I loved that my brother was like that's not right she's my baby sister. I posted this thing when I was supposed to go to Pride festival but I couldn't go because I had lost my wallet and didn't want to drive without my license and stuff. I posted a comment that said so gay and my sister said you said "gay" and my brother said IRONY! Lol. And when I came out I just said I'm Gay and my sister commented well at least you're "happy" it made me giggle. So you see I wasn't worried about them or Face or Me it was the world I was most afraid of. In school people would make fun of these two girls who would hang out on the black top and walk around and call them dykes. I would be by myself playing with rocks (as usual, no friends *shrug*) and think no one can ever know how I feel. When I was older I figured I could just say I was bi and no one would get weird. I had quite a few bi friends in high school. Hormones are crazy with teenagers and I think that's what explains my need to be with someone. At that time I didn't even care about the sex. It just meant I wouldn't be alone. Because of that mentality I have suffered needlessly. I am so lucky that lesbian who said her handcuffs were too tight and she was hit in the head with a billy club and she shouted "do something!" and the riot began. They went outside and screamed "Gay power" and singing "We shall Overcome" (and the tears start falling) even beaten and outnumbered, in more ways than one, those people stood up and said we deserve better. Because of these brave people I can say on here I'm gay. I thank those people for standing up for injustice. I can be myself and not live a life that makes other people happy and be dead on the inside. I can find a woman to love and be with her and only have to worry about small minded neighbors in a sense. My life would have been very different if I never would have been able to be myself. Thank you everyone who has ever stood up for what they believe in, you give me strength.

I need to take a step back

It gets so hard when I get stressed out and I don't know what to do. It gains a lot, the stress doesn't seem to just plateau it gets bigger and bigger. I am taking deep breaths and trying to think happy thoughts and just hope that I can hold on, because sometimes, still, I feel alone. I just am happy that I am going to get time away from the house and maybe it will help with perspective. I need to get out of there and I need to take a step back and breathe... Horrible things can happen. I am always worrying and I am always at least a little bit nervous but I need to be comfortable. Being how thing are...feeling what I feel. It's like I can't breathe. I feel like its killing me not being able to breathe. I think maybe I just need to let go.

Life

I am glad I am growing up. I thought growing up stopped at 18 because you were an "adult" at 18. Ha! What a joke. At 18 you think you know everything and think you are invincible...and around 23-25 you realize that you can break and that maybe your parents aren't idiots and maybe they actually do know a thing or two. I was so niaeve that I wouldn't say things to my mom because I didn't think she understood. Like (sadly this is my only example and I don't want to lose this flow) like 'my mom doesn't know there is something called giving head, she's old. How could she have any life experience? She got married and had kids, it's not like she was ever a teenager. My mom was born at like 20.' it's so funny for me to remember how I thought then. It didn't last long. My mom has been my best friend my whole life, except for about 4 years...maybe 5, a relationship she didn't like and teen years. I didn't get like other teens and hate her from like 12-25, some people take it to extremes. It was like a year or so that I just thought everything she did was stupid and that she didn't know anything. From what I have learned since high school I could write a novel or two, and I am not even where my mom was when I thought she was clueless. It's funny because people kinda make their kids think they are stupid, because you shelter your kids and you try not to be vulgar in front of them and they get opinions of their own and they think you are almost slow. Realization is a wonderful thing. I am glad I am not in the dark about this stuff *chuckle*

I think I am hilarious at times. I talked to my 3 best friends right before my birthday and I decided I was going to come out. (my family knew I said I was bi, but I knew I was gay and had to set the record straight, ) you know how I did it? Facebook. Lol. I figured that it would be the easiest way to do it. Of course I had to plan it, so I made the status update that said "Come Put Come Out where ever you are" and something like in case anyone was wondering, I'm Gay ;) and my family (god bless em) being the way they are...my sister commented as long as you're "happy" smart ass. Lol. But I didn't fear my siblings so much. From when I remember, my brother was the most supportive when I said I was bi. He had a girlfriend that was uncomfortable with me because she thought I was going to hit on her or something, and he defended me. I don't remember what he said, but it was the equivalent of, "Dude, that's my sister, lay off." I was more worried about the people I haven't seen in over ten years and will probably never see again. How fucked up is that? I never told my dad, but my mom knows so I know she told my dad. My dad and I don't have the type of relationship where I want to talk about my relationships to him. I am out and proud now. I was so afraid before, and a lot of it is because it's different. Every movie, show and stuffs general layout is guy + girl. I was so afraid of being different that way. Which is weird because I don't mind being an individual. Every woman I have ever loved has almost destroyed me so it's hard to trust again. I have been talking to Becky for about a month and she is moving closer soon so I know I will be able to see her in a few weeks, but I am still nervous. I don't know if I am ready. Maybe I can just be gay and alone. At this point I really don't crave being with anyone. If it doesn't work out with Becky, for the first time in my life, it won't bother me that I'm alone.

Not feeling well and I think I am going to try something. I am feeling worse. I lost my wallet so I can't go out and buy Vernors :(

xoxo

I don't know what to do...

I have been feeling so much better lately. I don't like my situation. I am happy things have have happened the way that they have, but at the same time I worry that maybe I am not doing the right thing. I mean so far I am stable and doing the best that I can. It's hard to be as perfect as I usually expect from myself. I am trying to be confident in myself. After feeling like being silent for so long. I just feel like I am on the right path but I don't know where I am going. I want to do so much. I am taking breaths and realizing and knowing that things are not overnight. It's so hard not thinking that what you are doing is right. (I even analyzed that sentence) I just don't like being wrong. I always felt like things were pointed out to me because I was wrong. I hated being wrong. Feeling forever failing, when I am finally on my feet I hope I am doing well, I still doubt. I am scared it will happen again. Failure is my kryptonite. But being an individual is different. Just because what I think and who I am are different than what other people think doesn't mean that I am wrong. Facts and opinions are different. Sometimes its just hard to tell if something is someone stating their opinion or someone telling you that what you are doing is wrong and what you think are wrong.

Breathe...

...

Life happens. Even if I plan what I was going to type/am typing, might come out different. No one gets all of the answers right, or why would they even bother to grade the answers?

<3

Matisyahu saved my life this time.

So this was the third attempt at rescuing a bird. We had my original bluejay, the robin with the broken leg, and Scherbatsky who lasted a day. I was buying things for her like an eye dropper or whatever and I get the text from my dad, "the bird is with Jesus" That happened on Monday, and I am finally ok, and it's Saturday, I went to some very dark places. I felt like a failure. I was assured that I wasn't, but I had the eye dropper for water and she was eating the worms and I thought I was doing everything right. Thank god every time I lost one of them I wasn't there to see it happen. But during this period all I did was take my meds and sleep. I don't remember the days because they are all the same day. I'm talking to this girl that I like. I don't want to expect too much. Been burned too many times in the past. We have been talking for about 2 weeks. *evil laugh* I win this round myspace. gotta jet. good things today. I'm happy. Becky makes me happy. I have my besties. For now, life is good.

cleaning

I started cleaning the laundry area and I have done about 5 loads of laundry in the past 2 days. I wrapped Diva's birthday presents and the little something that I got for Charlotte. I wanted to see this guy a bit back, but he didn't have the time for me and I just kinda gave up on the men part of things, at least for now. I am talking to this girl and I am really liking texting her and getting to know her. I think about her a lot and I haven't really told anyone about her, I mean they know I am talking to her but I haven't said what kind of person she is or anything. I do really like her. My back hurts all the time now. I'm taking norco instead of vicodin, but it doesn't really matter because the pain is still there. It's easier if I'm sitting down. I was getting sick of sorting through a storage container for my shoes so I bought a hanging shoe rack. I didn't even put all of my shoes in there, because some of the mates are missing and others I am going to donate to salvation army. I have over 20 pairs of shoes and more clothes than anyone in their right mind should have. I was out of the house longer than I intended and things didn't get done. It's is so hard typing this on my computer. I have to stop so the computer can catch up. I am getting frustrated so i'll do this later.

*pant*

My dad took the tv that was just sitting and brought it downstairs but as usual even though there was nothing wrong he flipped and spit and said I hate this fucking house. He flips out over NOTHING! I decided to clean up a little bit. Saw one of those evil creepy crawlys and I almost died. I keep having to take breaks because my back can't handle it. I brought a lot of clothes upstairs for the 'rents to look through and I even just texted my mom about it, and it's sad that I had to over think the text and that I had a feeling of dread over it. I hope they get rid of half of it so that I don't have to find a new place to store this shit they are never going to wear again anyway. Leslie contacted me and said that Jeff was dying. I went with my gut and just didn't respond to her. She used me in the end and she just wasn't a good person. I am sorry her life is shit, but she even told me that she is just going to mooch off of the government and has no intention of getting better. I don't want to be stuck in my parents house, in the basement, never getting anywhere. I want things in my life, and never trying isn't an option for me. In group it revolved around me because of my suicidal thoughts and my not sleeping and how that is leading me to get depressed. It was funny because one of the suggestions was warm milk and I found a recipe and made it...then forgot to drink it! lol. I feel bad for wasting food like that, but I hope the next time I can't sleep that it will help. I want to get more tea and honey too. Anything to help me sleep. I am getting sick of not sleeping for 30 hours having 2 regular days and then not sleeping for 28 hours. I was starting to lose my grip on reality. More later bloggy blog

I got all my workout gear on (I went to value world yesterday and bought a new/used work out shirt) and went out for a walk but I didn't get far because my back seized. So I ended up coming home and taking some norco and sitting on the couch. I am out of muscle relaxers too so I didn't know what to do really. I have a feeling that I am going to get addicted to pain killers because of this. All of my back ended up hurting today. When I woke up it was the upper back that was killing me and when I went on my walk it was the middle and lower that was killing me. So I got to talking to this girl today and she didn't have any follow through. I had to keep the conversation going and it was very frustrating. write more later

suicidal again

wtf man. I feel like I am relapsing back to a drug. I was doing so well. I haven't cut since my stitches. (About 3 years ago I cut my arm so bad that I had to get 10 stitches. I used a new razor blade and pushed...I made the bade go about an inch deep in my skin.) I haven't been suicidal in almost a year. I think that's why I am upset, because I get to milestones and I get upset if I can't surpass them. People keep telling me that I am too hard on myself, and I see it but I don't. My case manager told me that I should be proud because a few years ago I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now, when I would fall off the grid before they didn't know if/when they were going to hear from me again, now I at least try to call and let them know that I am not coming or call soon to tell them that I am having issues. I don't know if it was the way that I was brought up or if it is something else entirely, but I just think that no matter what I do, it is never good enough. The letter that I received has made me so proud of what I have accomplished over this year and I am giving myself a pat on the back because I have pushed through and made myself better. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes, but I am growing everyday and I hope that one day all of this fucked up bull shit will make sense and it will have all been for something. I have changed my dating profile to looking for women instead of men. I decided that I am really going to try and see if I can make a relationship with a woman work. I have been so afraid in the past and I don't want to be afraid anymore. The pain is getting worse. I am taking pain killers pretty much every day. I don't know what to do about it. It's funny, I have decided to date girls and I am getting the birth control implant in like 2 weeks. I am so Polish.

I can't sleep but I started writing again!

I can't sleep more than a night. Of course at this point I have been up 21 hours. Days are burring into one another and I was actually on the right path and then I hung out with Jess and when she went to sleep, that whole fear of going to sleep came back and I just couldn't do it. Drove back to my house and decided to update on here and do as much as I can until I am tired enough to go to sleep, hopefully. The first thing I wrote was around the last days of school. It was about my struggle with having kids and wondering if being an aunt will be enough. I only had a couple people read it and they just said that it was sad. I read my descriptive essay to John, it was about my stay in the psych wing after my overdose. I was proud of my wordplay and I think I explained myself well and I tried my hardest to make the reader feel like they were there. I want to do that as a writer. So far I have a 4.0 and I am happy to say that all classes have been As and my English class's final grade was 98% and Got a letter in the mail from the Dean of Student Success because of my English professor. "You have demonstrated your eagerness to learn and your willingness to work diligently to meet the expectations of the class. The instructor congratulates you on your progress and encourages you to continue your noteworthy performance." It makes my day knowing that I tried hard to do well in school and that it was noticed. I was shocked that something like that even existed, but I pushed myself and I would never have made it this far 5 years ago. I tried to kill myself and barely existed in anything. I wouldn't have been able to make it to class consistently, let alone get such a high grade. I am still hard on myself and have to remind myself that there was a time where I thought that everyone was disappointed in me or hated me, even family members, for no reason at all. I said weird shit to them and scared many of them because of how I acted or reacted to things. Parts of that part of my life are fuzzy and I feel bad for what I put my loved ones through. At one time I would get very drunk and be unstable and wake up my mother and have her drive me around and she said I would spew venom. And I remember the yelling I did at those times and it was partly because I was keeping so much in that I didn't know what to do when I was faced with turmoil. 4.0 I feel bad for being so excited about this, and mostly its because of what other people will think and the other part is the guilt. Like that other people have been doing this for a while and I am so far behind because I am only now just getting into college. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. I am lucky to be alive with the overdose and with how bad my anxiety used to be I couldn't even leave the house. it is still difficult for me to be around people, mom and I went to a festival and I had to look at the ground so that I wouldn't freak out. I did get an ego boost, I was walking by and this guy was looking my way and I was wearing a v low cut shirt and I had boobage all over and he almost tripped because of it. It made me feel awesome that someone thought I was worth looking at. I was at Target yesterday and mom got a gift card from barnes & noble, a card, and azaleas for mom for mother's day; so I was looking for dad's father's day card to get it out of the way and they had the one I got which said, "Dad You're The Best" and on the inside it says, "ATM" I almost died laughing in Target so I had to get it. I also picked up Wreck This Journal It inspired me to write this and gave me a few ideas for essays I want to write and things to look into for writing. Most of the summer I want to be spent on reading all these unread books that I have and write new material because it's been forever since I have written anything that came from the heart. I am supposed to watch Sis's house in about a month. I am looking forward to it because I will get a house to myself and I will be able to hopefully catch up on my numerous books I haven't read yet and possibly write some things that have been in my head for a while. Face will be in town with the girls so I am going to miss time with them, but Sis still doesn't know exactly when she is getting here because the military is jacked. I miss everyone that's out of state. Fred is on r&r but that's half way done and he won't be back back for 7 more months. Mom admitted to be down because of the kids not being around and I think she may be owning some of it because she actually said we should go out when we went to the festival. I'm glad they had push coin for her. God all I want to do is sleep and stay up at the same time :( I saw the first fish fly of the year. Epic :( I was looking up cult stuff on wikipedia and other random stuff, berlin wall was one of em. I am amazed at most of the things that you can find on the interweb. I really want another ferret :( they made me so happy, even the douchy ones. I loved Weazel. The only thing I worry about is picking up shit randomly around the room. I wouldn't be able to do it for a long time because I would have to buy everything again and even the cage alone is expensive. I think that's enough for now. I plan on writing more later today if I can. <3 Psycho Bitch

3 years

so tired. haven't been sleeping well lately...i guess it's too much reading, taking vicodin, school, stress, forgetting meds, missing appointments, deciding on getting the birth control implant and getting my tubes tied, missing my girls, feeling pulled in every direction, losing steam for classes, worried I am going to snap at Jesus freak, wanting a mix of vicodin and xanax and eventually falling asleep after having to take sleeping pills. I'm lonely, still don't know what/who I want. I wonder if I will ever be content again. I was happy in the fall and then content and doing so well. I don't even know how to get back.

:(

I will never be a mother. I wish my life could have been different.

4 years, Luv

I don't even know if I could sleep. I took a sleeping pill so I hope it works. It's been 4 years. Jessica let me ramble about you early this morning. She ended up going to sleep around 5am. I just wanted to talk about what I remembered about you. I remember moving your keyboard while you were laying in front of the computer and I would hug you and just feel comfortable that you were there. You would sing to me and hug me, and there was nothing more important than that to me. At times I wish that I would have been able to get medication through the county like I was able to in my own (Macomb) county. But if things wouldn't have happened the way that they did, you and Chuck would have died in that apartment. I never wanted you to be alone, but I was also so scared seeing you. You having a trach and trying to pull it out. I still think of you writing on that piece of paper that you said the hospital staff was trying to kill you. I didn't know if you were hallucinating or if you were just scared or what. I wish that I could have been stronger and been able to see you more and I still regret not knowing if you had any final wishes. I told your cousin that you didn't want to be buried in a piano box, but you told the momma that you were afraid that getting cremated would hurt. I hope what I did was right. I wish I knew what happened to your ashes, I would like to hope that Dawn has them. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. I think of things like that you never got to see the series finale of Smallville and weird stuff like that. I would like to have hoped we would have still been together. but who knows what might have been. Tony wrote a nice sentiment about you on facebook. He's naming his son after you and his uncle. He said he is going to call him Hank, it warmed my heart. I hope today passes without incident, if the baby is born today it would be wonderful. I think I'm gonna take another sleeping pill. I think that's the only way I will stay asleep. I think that we would still be together...but maybe that's wishful thinking. I love you Henry Louis McCaul. My life was/is better for having known you. Farewell my Luv.

aleays dancing the line...

So I went nuts again. I didn't do anything stupid but I missed appointments goalkeeper of my doctors and I didn't do much for weeks. I pretty much figured out that kids a re a no go. I can barely take care ofnyselfmost of the time. If I end up seeing someone it would be cool if they already had kids. Or not at all. Plus my med that keeps me the mist sane causes birth defects and I don't think ishould have to put a child through that,and growing up I mightbe inane out of the hospital... I am planning on dating, I don't think imready for a relationship anyway.as long as my plan still stays im going to be busy going to school full time ins coupleyears. God it sucks typing on mynook, my ocd will make me fix the mistakes later. I think about fred a lot, I hope he is doing alright over there. I need some time to myself and I think that if I don't have a lot of homework I plan on reading the hunger games...im almost 80 pagesin I think. I think I am going to start reading the bookcase that is full of books. Glad that I have a bunch that I haven't read yet because I wont be spending much lately because of how much in debt I am. I amhoping to have it all paid off in a year. Since I am going to chicago to watch julies house I plan on using that money to get either my next tattoo with it or mom's. Maybe the julie money will be hers and then I can get mine around my birthday. The paper that I wrote does t feelright but today is just peer editing so I wonthave to have it done until Wednesday. Im hoping I havelearned enough coping skills to stay ok for a while. The last timeout was in the hospital was lastyear I think. I think I have learned all that I could from that program. I just hope I never get suicidal again, there is nothing more s carrier thanthat. It helps that I feellike I have something to live for, I feel that my life has meaning now. I am getting good grades asfaras I know, she is going to tell us what our grades are inthe class to right. I am excited to see how well I am doing. Ok, back to trolling the interwebs.

a message to Hank

Hey Luv,

Just wanted to say hi, We haven't talked in a while. So I am only having a little difficulty in school, my grades so far are better than I expected. I haven't been studying well and I know it's going to bite me in the ass. I got a 98% on my narrative essay and 100% on my descriptive essay!!! I turned in my comparison essay yesterday so I won't know until probably Monday how well I did. I had my midterm and she had to grade on a curve so I actually got an 84% but because we didn't do well I got 10 more points and so I got a 94% instead. I am proud, mostly, of the work that I have been doing. The girls that I have to be grouped with make me sad. I had a hard time getting something and they were trying to explain it to me and I couldn't get it through my head what they were saying so when I was leaving I kind of gave them a look and it was mostly because I couldn't get it and that made me feel like an idiot. We are doing our presentation about love. I think its a great thing to make a definition presentation about and then the paper as well, which is only going to be 2-3 pages. I don't really know what exactly what I am going to say.

Sis is pregnant. I'm happy for her...but it doesn't really affect me. This child won't know me so I guess I am having my own party where pity makes an appearance. ;p She doesn't want anyone to know, and because she isn't that far along I can see why she would want to keep it to herself, but it also hurts that I am never important enough for me to know anything. I don't understand how she wanted me to be her maid of honor and when stuff like this is coming up I don't even get to know unless mom tells me.

I'm still happy that your name is on my foot. No regrets there. losing you was up there with losing Grams. Speaking of tattoos I got one recently of the Celtic symbol for sisters. Jess and I got them on our left ankles on the inside of the leg. I am planning to get another leg piece this year. I want to get Sorcha and 6 swans on my right leg, below the knee, on the inside of the leg. I'm probably gonna have it get touched up but that happens. I also want to get my "heart on my sleeve" on my left shoulder...this is boring you isn't it? I know you weren't into this stuff.

I still miss you like crazy. You are one of the only 2 people that I have ever loved in my life...I gotta go, I am fucked up on my medications. I love you. *<3* your slore

Um...

I have been getting baked and I think that is not right anymore, a couple days a month is a hell of a lot better than what I was doing before I got out of

Im done. I think we all get straight. Should we catch our noriot

Wtf? Why don't all help me? Was I seriously hurt?

Hrm

I am feeling better with my coping skills and doing my best in everything. Got an 84% on my midterm but my professor said the highest grade was 91% so she graded on a curve so that put my grade 10 points higher so I got an A. I was also given 100% on my descriptive essay and that made me feel awesome! I am happy that I am doing well in this class. My grade is 98% I am so stoked.

Gotta go

Peace out

Oh happy day

Brian has been making me giggle all day...yesterday really.

About to try and get some sleep in a few, no sleeping pills because j will be up another 24 hours. I am so tired, but im running a marathon in my head.

I might see I'd Jess wants company tonight and I could go over and help her unpack some more. I would really like to get my homework done so I won't have anything to worry about.

I have a date with Brian on Saturday to go over and get shitty. Yay for drinking holidays.

It's hard to see straight, so fuck all this. I'm out. Peace.

You are so special to me...

Please be the one...

If I could...

I would repeat that first date over and over again. You get these feelings that sometimes fade after a while, or are only around during that first meeting. Most things you learn are absolutely amazing, and at times you don't know if the person you were meeting is honest about themselves or if they are going to fuck you over the first chance that they are able to.

Changing the times I take medication are a little weird and Dr. Hanson wants to see me in a week to see if I am doing any better switching things around. I feel like that is going to be a lifelong struggle for me to find what's going to work and what is going to keep me level.

Uncertainty fucks everything up. First date was amazing, and the best one that I have ever been on, with anyone. Going over there today I kept feeling rushed and he seemed upset that I had to go. I care for him a great deal, but he told me we would take things slow, and for once I agree with that. I want us to get to know each other and by the way today went I don't know if he is on the same page that I am and I hate the not knowing. As fucking usual I am going to have a horrible time trying to sleep, and my fucking computer isn't keeping up my tying so I have to keep stopping and check and see what is the fucking progress. fuck this, i update on my fucking phone

...wish it didn't have to end...

If I could, I would make this day and this feeling last forever.

I would wrap it up and keep it safe.

I would remember fondly the laughter.

I would keep the smile, and never let it fade.

I would relive the first kiss, the first sweet embrace.

Would I

Nerves

You know me by now, if it's not something it's something else.

I want to do what I am supposed to do, but I have arguments with myself on what to do.

I really want to get more ink. It wasn't that bad this time, it didn't hurt as bad as it usually does. I have three that have to get done. Mom's bumble bee and clover, my heart on my "sleeve," and my Sevenwater's tatt that I have to explain to have it done. I want to get it done over the summer, I assume it's going to be like the left leg and should take about three sessions. Knowing me you know that I will be left with seven tattoos at that point, so I need to think of another one :) Jess's and my tattoos look great. Same tattoo but in our own styles.

I went into a salvation army store and it was close to closing, everything I tried on was at least 1 size to small. Right as I was walking to the front of the store the manager said there were a lot of empty hangers and that probably meant that people were stuffing stuff in their bags. I left my cart at the back with what I had tried on because I was pissed that I was going up another size. When I left the manager had to say something like, didn't find anything? Where I replied, "nothing fit." I added my sad face, walked to my car and got in. I fumbled with my ipod to try and get it hooked up and the manager was almost like following me and then turned around and went back to the store. Talk about fucking creepy.

I went on a date, guy got freaked because of me being me. I find it funny most of the time. Sometimes I get sad because I wasted my time on another person, but I doubt it would have went anywhere at all. He was still very bitter about his divorce and when he bitched about her, I bitched about my ex's. I lay it all on the table, I don't want anyone to think that I am hiding anything important.

I am on Plenty of Fish again. That makes me sad in a way. I wish I could get this "love" thing right.

Getting late, off to bed so I can wake up for case manager appointment.

Nighty Night ;D

"My Womb is Empty"

Today has been especially difficult. I see ghosts of what might have been. I catch myself rubbing the empty womb hoping for a miracle. I usually try to think of some random thought like this wasn't meant for me...but all my life I have wanted to be a mother. It only got stronger with the first niece, then the first nephew, and then my youngest niece. Looking at the life I had always wanted. I write (type) this with tear stained cheeks, thinking of the box of hope that I keep in my closet. One day I will no longer be mentally ill, so I won't need medication anymore, so I could get pregnant and not harm the fetus. Am I just trying to fulfill the primal need to procreate to keep the human race going? I think not. These ghosts haunt me at every turn. The tears keep streaming...I always wondered what it felt like to feel a kick. I had thought it felt like the butterflies that flew around you when love first hit, and then eventually became a baby. I had romanticized what it would have been like, high school sweethearts, went to college, graduated, got pregnant, worked while the children were in school, trying very hard to be like all of the families that were played on Nick at Nite. But as my story goes, I dropped out of high school, had a horrible string of relationships, became ill, fell in love twice, and only lived away from my parents under one year's time. I needed my stomach to be pumped so that I would survive my suicide attempt looking on at my mother and, at the time, not realizing what it would do to her having two out of her three children attempt suicide. Then next to her was the person who saved my life, one of the only men that I had ever loved. If it wasn't for him this blog wouldn't exist and I would have only see a few months of my eldest niece's life. It always goes back to illness to me. I fear I will walk through my life never experiencing things I wanted to so badly be deserved. Maybe if I was a better person I wouldn't be alone. So many thoughts wondering what ifs and what could should have been. I hear people tell me that I have time and this and that could happen. Then explain to me how I could birth a child when I can't be off of my mood stabilizers/antidepressants/anxiety medication for more than two days. Was I such a horrible person that I can never feel those butterfly flutters? Every year I get older there is the fact that pregnancy would be riskier, not only does my medication cause birth defects, but as I get older the same thing happens.

I can't think about this anymore.

Just drop it Krak.

It just wasn't meant to be...

I just wish that it would rain...

Woot! Knocked another guy out of dating me! I used to get upset about that, but honestly if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Jess and I got our tattoos yesterday, I love mine and Jess loves hers too. I want to get the other two I want to get, the heart "sewn" on my sleeve. The other being the Daughter of the Forest tattoo. I'm excited because I know what I want to be on there and I think that Adam would be able to do what I want it to look like. It's going to have to be in a couple months though, I got medicaid back so that's $99 more a month, so I want to take that first $99 and buy mom's tattoo, then I want my heart, then the last one.

On a different note, I got drunk last night. I haven't done that, god, I really don't know how long it's been. I had fun, didn't throw up, and I had fun with my best bud.

I am very lucky I have such good friends. I hope they never feel like I take them for granted, because of all of the things that have happened to me, I don't know what I would have done without them by my side, holding my hand.

I had to get an earlier appointment with Dr. Hanson. I feel fine one day and suicidal the next day. Today is a good day, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be looking for a razor. These days that I have been having is making me feel the worst. Its such a horrible feeling that I don't know how to fix it. We did that group focusing on me, but it was hard to implement what they said to do, the only things that made sense to me were the ones that I already do. Hopefully when I do go see the doctor she can figure out what is out of whack and I will start to feel better again.

I'm running around back and forth so more on all this later Bloggie :D

:(

I think what is bothering me the most is the kid thing. I would only be able to have that happen if I was with someone who had kids before I for in the picture or surrogacy and I probably will not be able to make that happen because my eggs are diseased, my illness would probably pass because of genetics. I wanted to be a writer, from Lois Lane who had her superman to a novelist writing what people liked, after that and in the middle college. The next logical step would be kids. How would I ever be able to be a mother? I couldn't even be pregnant because my medications cause birth defects. So many people I know have families and I fucking jealous. I am living in my parents basement wishing I wasn't here or anywhere. I will never be the mother I wanted to become. I will never feel a baby kick, never know the feeling of creating a life. I will always be on the outside looking at what I can never have. I don't think I will ever be well. I haven't been stable for over six months since around 1996. I was never promised fair or easy, but did you really have to take kids away from me? What am I living for? I fail at relationships, I'm in constant chaos, and I don't ever feel like I will be normal ever again.

The guy and I tried for a little while, never stuck. I wasn't even on medication at the time. I wonder if that was my only chance.

Maybe I just wanted them for the wrong reasons, and if we would have had a child I would still have to see him.

I can't cope. I have to hold my head down walking around to get to class. I don't want to look at people.

I want to give up.

If it wouldn't have fucked up so many people I would be dead right now. I'm not staying alive for myself, just barely getting by. Take a step forward and another and then, oh wait, take three steps back now.

Send me a sign. Give in or keep trying, because I don't think I can even male that decision myself.

What is wrong with me?

I finally settle down a little bit and I get right back to where I was before. I just can't seem to get any of this right. Thinking you should kill yourself on the way to class is such a wonderful thought to have. I want to cut so bad. I want to cry for weeks. It's like in Harry Potter with the dementors. It's like this absolute feeling of wrong. I feel like I am already dead inside. What do I have to look forward to? I can barely hold down two classes and I can't get a degree doing what I want and only being able to ... One class a semester. I feel inadequate.

I don't love life like I used to. I will never be pregnant, I will never get to be the mother I always envisioned that I would become. Who is to say that I could somehow pull that off, I might end up right back in the psych ward and resent the child for causing me to relapse.

I feel like the only one in the world who this is happening to. I want to make my life better and I want the children that I was supposed to have and the life that I always wanted, was being a mother and having a life that made sense too much to ask? It makes me wonder if there is even a deity out there why would it be putting me through this? What normal person tries to figure out how to leave everyone behind and find a place to make it happen. I am constantly being disappointed with everything in my life. I feel as though there is no purpose for me, that I was the mistake who broke the mold. I will never love life again. In that statement I feel it to be true.

I feel like Job. What else are you going to throw at me? Was I this horrible in a past life?

I don't want anyone to know this. What will it solve? Another medication that will stop working on 6 months. And how did I get the idea to date in my head. After waking up Sean and telling him to take me to the hospital makes me think that because I cycle weird and that you don't know how long I will be ok and for the fact that I can never keep money and the other long laundry list of reasons why I fail every day matter how hard I try.

I don't want to live.

That sums up how bad it gets. No one should ever have to feel that their life has no worth/meaning. But it's how I feel. I will be a burden on everyone until I'm dead and gone.

I feel helpless
Hopeless
Alone

When will this stop so I can be free?

up as usual.

I can always count on you except when you are being a cunt. I really scared myself on Saturday, I was making plans on how people who weren't my family to be the ones to find me. When I heard about Monster's friend and I had never met him but when the Face was talking about the funeral I burst into tears. Life is sacred and I try not to take it for granted, but my mind doesn't always believe me that there are so many things to live for and you just either need help finding something that helps get through life or ways to cope. I have been getting overwhelmed and I was scared, but I was proud that I didn't go into the hospital this time and I was fine the next day, I completed 2 essays and the regular homework. My midterm is on Wednesday and I haven't honestly even studied for it. I usually over stress when it comes to taking tests, I am mid term one of those people who had to read them over to make sure I was doing the important stuff. My last exam like this was easy was part of last semester. I haven't been doing well in the note department and I don't want to be the only one writing notes so I don't even raise my hand. Sometimes I am able stay a little later so that I would be able to find what types of areas that I needed to improve on and thinking about how to understand the material better. I am still pissed off at my group members. If you are going to talk do it at the end of the group work and they don't give a damn and they don't understand what homework is because they ask every class period, "oh we have homework?" well if you would have paid attention before you ran out of the room maybe you would understand the shit she talked to you about before you left was called homework. I think I am incredibly happy that I am able to do my work even though I want to punch my group in the back. The one chick takes charge of every group thing that we do but they end up talking and wasting town and it's hard when you have other things you need to do and everyone in our group are always done last. At least last night we had three things to do on three different  pages, #1-5 in our exercise, I was done in under five minutes and it seemed like they didn't care that we are all getting graded on these things that we are assigned and I don't expect for everyone to tap dance with jazz hands, but actually doing your homework and having it proof read and doing the assignments as they come to you is fucking crazy important and the group doesn't even realize that this is to learn and get a good grade in the end of the course. Well, I have to check my grades and email my CSSK Professor about what I should be doing, because if I have to turn that paper in tomorrow I am going to be pissed because it's not up to my caliber of writing. Up after dawn again so this is probably going to be a useless day in bed that I have to do so much when I was up I just hope I am not late for anything. I have to try and get some sleep. nighty night boggie

What difference a day makes...

I don't know what happened on Saturday but I couldn't get over what I should do to make myself better, somehow it just happened. I went on pof for a change. I am actually talking to a couple of them. I did wind up waking up in a good mood and wrote both of my essays. I have time to finish them but I am worried about my homework due Monday evening I didn't realize that I had to do it until I left. I hope I can get it done right when I get up if I get up bwfore group. Meh :(

I wish I knew why I&apos;m like this

"A blooming peace this morning with it brings.
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head.
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things.
Some shall be pardoned, and some punished.
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

February 21, 2012

I am so tired of getting better and then getting worse. I have had an increase in my self confidence and esteem, and I was starting to relax a little bit, but I am so scared that I will not get better. I have been walking through a dream it feels like...I wish I would wake up and feel my version of normal, but god knows that probably won't ever happen. I have these big dreams to finish college, and that involves going full time in the next year or two, plus I have been wanting to write a book of my own for my depression and what I have went through all the years I have had differences in moods and depression. I have been eating a lot of junk food and I have been gaining weight but it's like I can't stop myself. Totally sucks. Dr. Hanson prescribed me a new medication, Cogentin, it's supposed to mellow me out so I don't get so anxious because of the saphris. I take it in the morning and before bed and so far I am liking it. Lets see if I can remember all psych meds I have been on: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zyprexa, Xanax, Ativan, Paxil, Prolixin (I think,) Abilify, Zoloft, Seroquel, Depakote, Lithium, Celexa, Valium, Effexor, Serzone (again, I think,) (I think) Tegretol, and possibly a few more. Cogentin, Depakote, Xanax, and Saphris are the medications that I am currently on. The cogentin was started last Friday, they kinda make me feel almost high, but I am finally relaxing. I have started to become afraid of sleeping again. I do not understand why it scares me so much, but it does. I am trying so hard not to miss a dose and to make sure there is a steady dose in my system as much as possible. I am having a hard time with the saphris because I have to take it before going to sleep but I can't eat or drink for 15 minutes. For some reason those measly few minutes make or break whether I am going to take that pill on any given night. I wish I could do the same things I need to everyday. I don't always shower...last time I showered I think was almost 2 weeks ago. I always feel bad when I do this, at least for a while I was taking baths, but I haven't even really done that lately. I know that I am dirty and need to do something about it but it's like I can't do anything. I am so out of sorts. I am having a lot of mood swings, gaining weight, horrible with hygiene in general, being down, wanting to sleep all the time, and having a hard time even getting to sleep. I hate that fear even though I don't understand what to do to make that better. Figure out more later. Going to try and clean before I sleep tonight. I have so many things to do tomorrow and I already feel overwhelmed. I hope I will be able to pull through and hope I won't freak out.

I am having a rough time right now...

LWhen I saw Dr. Handing and told her how I was getting overwhelmed and that I am a difficult time at school, meaning that I am dealing with a lot more homework than I thought I was going. To get,but I don't want to quit I am just nervous it will be too much. I have been keeping up with homework except I should be working on my essay but I cant get myself to do it. I am so down and I just want to sit in my pjs. It is bothering me that I am having such a hard time and its killing me I might fuck up in school because of my illness. I keep trying to do what I can but some things are slacking. I am afraid to sleep again and I am so tired and don't know howto fix it. I am so confused on what the right thing to do is. I am just trying to keep my head above water. I like the new mad because it makes me feel better but I am groggy at the same time. Im hoping tonight it wont be so scary.

Well

Jess decided that we were going to get our tattoos today and I Don't think that we are going to be able to. Crissy and Dave are ahead of us and it's a little after 10.

I have had a shitty couple of days. The stress of school has been getting to me and I am out of sorts. After taking to new pill it has helped I just don't know if I am going to continue doing so after a while. I was going over the list of hat has been bothering me lately and noticed that I have been feeling pretty bad because I stopped showering a couple weeks ago and it spent bother me if I bathe after leaving the house. It just sucks because I was getting so much better but right now I am just scared that I will continue to get worse instead of better. I'm taking my medication so it didn't make sense when I started to get worse.

The new med is kind of making me fuzzy so I hope it's just becUse I am getting used to it. It's cool it's like a body buZz but I can't drive when I take them.

Off to feel groggy, peace.

to drop or not to drop...

I talked with Dr. Hanson about how I have been doing, some things I had kept to myself and some things I was in denial about. I want to achieve so much but I am always afraid of failing, like if I did I would never be able to try and do it again. I am also having problems sleeping. Ian at the point where sleeping scares me and I try and stay up as long as I can before passing out.I told her all of this and a little bit more that I don't remember at the moment (I did tell her about still not smoking) so I am om this new medication "cogentin" which is supposed to go with my saphris. So I am on saphris, depokote, xanax (when needed), flexoril (when needed), vicodin (when needed), levbid (stomach med), and the newest, cogentin. Two more pills a day because on I am going to take them morning and night. I have noticed a difference and I have only had two doses. It is supposed to help me mellow out and it is so far. My doc said that maybe I should drop one of my classes because I am having a hard time with all the stress I am encountering and I don't know what I can to at this moment to make it better. I am going to try but I don't know if I am going to be able to go full time with school for a while. I think jam going to stay with 2 classes at a time and when I am more comfortable I can go up to 3 or more but I need to be confident that I will be able to do it.I have been up around 36 hours and I am afraid to sleep so I am trying to relax so that I don't panic. I know that I will always have a me talk illness and that I will have times where I don't even understand what's going on, but I am going to try my best to do my best and hopefully keep moving forward, or standing still while the rest of.me catches up.Watching House with Me and trying to relax, I have to take my sleeping pill to get to sleep.Im just happy to be out of my house...starting to hate being under my parent's roof still.

...

I need to do something about my health. I have deteriorated to eating candy on a regular basis and I barely exercise at all. I have turned my life around mentally so I need to do it physically now. I guess depression played a part in it, but I am still doing ok so I should do it now to try and stick to a routine. I've got class in a couple minutes so thusnwill be short, I just needed a minute to vent before I have to focus. I am worried about the midterm, I do t really know how to.make flash cards for the parts of speech. Oh well, off to class.

:)

I am very proud of myself. I got 99% on my first essay! I am starting to gain confidence in what I am doing. I have to get the descriptive essay peer edited today, I keep feeling like I am missing an important pertaining that should be mentioned but I could just be trying to be a perfectionist. I slept all through valentines day. It was amazing. I ate chocolate and slept. I am happy that I am single because I can be myself and not feel weird about it. I have never had that awesome comfortable feeling g with anyone. I keep thinking if I did find someone to be with it would be a girl, but I am too scared to try so I don't know if I will ever find out. Damn you society. Ian keeping up with all the homework I have to do, reading in my CSSK class for some reason is very difficult. I try but I always end up reading it on the day of class. I am trying today but even right now I am writing on here instead of reading the book. Epic fail. I have that seminar in a little bit so.I have to go, try to write more later...

Wow

99% wow. I am so proud of myself. I am really trying to take class seriously and my first essay of the semester and I get an A. My professor even said I was a great writer and at this point in my life that is the best compliment! I worked hard and I was amazed that what I wrote was good. I don't really have an opinion on my writing because I usually don't show it to people and I have been showing people lately and my confidence has been going up! Being in this class is inspiring to me, and my college study skills class, surprisingly enough as well. I have to read essays for CSSK in a book called "This I Believe" and write a journal entry about what I read. I have so far read about gangs, bipolar disorder, someone struggling with their sexuality, and other very interesting topics. I feel moved even in the little assignments that I am doing. Going back to college was probably the best decision that I have ever made.

Progress...sort of

I am making it to all of my classes and trying to do the best I can on the work in class, but last night I had a panic attack because I wasn't prepared for class and I had to take a little bit of Xanax because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to drive to class. Even though I had problems when I got there because I needed to get to class on time because I don't know what is the best way to get to class yet, so I was late, well I though I was but I was on time but I almost got into 2 accidents on my way to parking. Thank god nothing happened. I finally relaxed web I got into class

Am I just confused?

I have had reason recently to wonder if my attractions to people are misguided. Maybe I am really not bi or straight. I might just be asexual. I only find certain things attractive in people. Like guys in general there isn't anything special that I am particularly attractive. I guess a face, but I tend to date whoever. It takes me time to be attracted to anyone. It's usually something over time, initially it doesn't matter who it is. But a girl on that matter, there are certain things. Butts attract me to them. Sometimes boobs. But I fantasize about being with guys because I don't really know what to do with a chick. But I think in the long run I would be happier with a girl, but...I don't know. It's all so confusing.

Getting better.

I am feeling like I am getting back on track again. I am rescheduling all of the appointments that I have missed and that always helps with my self esteem. I feel like when I have something to do I have a purpose for getting up that day. I am of the mentality that if you don't have anything special going on then I don't worry about some things like getting dressed or showering and because of stuff like that I fall into disrepair.

I have school techniquly today and I am happy I didn't have any homework because it was hard to focus this week. I still have to read a chapter in my CSS course and I haven't even cracked the book yet. I have to do dishes when I get out of bed and god knows what else. It helps to keep busy because if I am left to my thoughts in this house, it can be maddening.

Saw Shameless with Mom today...so not a show to watch with your parents. I like the show though, very interesting and crazy.

I was going to keep my refund money for renascence festival, but I was thinking about getting a tattoo or two for me and one for mom. I really want to get the one for mom so if I can pull it off I'd be very happy. I am debating on getting a tablet. I can't afford to get an iPad...but getting a nook tablet I think would be pretty awesome. It wouldn't have 3G or a camera or a couple other perks, but honestly I really just want it to see my Netflix movies on it and whatever I want to watch on YouTube. Whatever else I can pretty much do on my phone, so it's tempting to get it but I have a minute to figure it out. I was thinking about saving up for something but I don't really want anything that's more expensive or anything and I don't think I owe anyone money except my parents, but that's a million dollars so I don't know, maybe j can just give the
Some...I don't know.

Onto other things.

The bookstore closes early tomorrow and I want to pick up some supplies so I want to go there, but I would feel stupid gong there twice so I need to figure out a way to go without wasting gas. Hm.

I need to sleep!!! Hate that I have such a problem sleeping. Always either too much or too little.

I am on a mission to find Berry Voluntary Ben & Jerry's ice cream again. Raspberry cheesecake ice cream with white chocolate chunks & raspberry swirls! I don't remember where I got the one that I ate yesterday. It's making me mad because I went to most of the stores in the surrounding areas and I couldnt figure it out so I think the last place I need to try is walmart up on hall road.

I hate that one of my antidepressants is a dissolving pill. Bleck.

Off to bed I hope.

Oh Blog,

Sometimes I fear that you are my only friend...I guess that has to do with the fact that you don't answer...except when I am off of my medication :p see, you take it as a joke as intended. Other people would think that I was crazy.

For the past 4 days I have taken every pill that I am supposed to and I am hoping that I will be regulated again soon. It's been rough, especially telling myself that I shouldn't take them so I am essentially having an argument with myself. I just have to keep being in the right state of mind. It bothers me because I was making some headway with bills and I racked them up again. I will get there, I just had a rough month this month. One step at a time now.

I still feel sick. I am so drained I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I need to get sleep. I have to go to the campus bookstore so I can get the paper I need for my class. Fun fun. I hope I can sleep.