First time I have been suicidal in a year and a half...

I thought I was doing so well...and in a way I was. I want to tell people that I woke up wanting to die but I have my reasons why I can't. Me is dealing with James and she's probably really scares for him and I don't want to add to her being already over stressed. I can't tell my mom, what mom wants to hear that her child is so sad at the world all she wants to do is cease living? I can't bare to think of my life where there. Would be a world where my mom wasn't living. Sis wouldn't know what to say and might think about canceling her trip and I don't want her to because she rarely goes on vacation and she deserves it. Her baby will be here soon and it will be harder for her to travel. I wouldn't know what to say to dad and I would worry him. Mom could tell something was wrong on the phone and I think, how can I ever get past something like this without my momma? I can't tell Face, she would over talk me trying to make me feel better but wouldn't let me vent to get it out. I can't tell Fred because he's fighting a war and I don't want to add to his stress at all if I can help it, I just want him to come home...I was in a grocery store with Me around Father's Day and I saw a soldier wearing fatigues and I wanted to walk up to her and say Thank You and instead I burst into tears. I miss my brother. I want him home. I don't have many other close people in my life. There are many people in my life I love and are close Ina different way, like Jimmy, Aunt Lynn, and Uncle Doug. Aunt Lynn is my 3rd mom (Grams is the second) as I was growing up I loved and hated her as a mom and when I was at her house I was part of the family, not the extended family but the family and I never felt like an outsider, I felt like I belonged there. Being as scared as I was for so long at everything that's one of the few things that hasn't changed. I still walk in the house there and feel like its my second home. But I wouldn't feel right talking to them about this. I don't think they couldn't handle it, it's the not knowing how to say it I guess. I have very few friends who aren't family, I love some like they were though like Ed. I don't know if it's because we aren't besties but people don't treat him well and he has been a good friend to me even when I didn't deserve it but I don't know how to talk about this to him. How am I ever going to make it after my mom dies? She knows what to say and how to help me and what if I have another nervous breakdown? Who will help me bathe in the bathtub and tell me after how soft my hair feels? I don't know how I can do this. I'm so scared all I will ever be able to do in life is go to college and try and keep appointments. I am so scared of everything else I don't know how I am going to survive. At this moment I don't even want to live and that's the hard part. I'm sitting here planning my death and the personal notes I will leave to important people and that I don't ever want the little ones to know how I died and that I want to be cremated but I still want a headstone and I want my ashes spread in a forest. I keep reading all of the horrible things in the world and I just wish that I was completely ignorant of all of them. I don't know how I can help starving children all over the world who have never felt full. I don't understand Christians hating me because I love women instead of men. God told you to love your brother as yourself. Jesus said love one another as I have loved you. Even if I wanted to be Christian I couldn't because who I love is an abomination. Why? Should I live my life married to a man who is a good friend but never feel sexually satisfied and still always wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been able to be with that girl that when I first looked at her the whole world disappeared. I don't even care that I can't get married to a girlfriend. It's a piece of paper commemorating my commitment. Showing her every day that I love her and making her happy is my life goal and she knows it would be enough for me. Being bipolar and having generalized anxiety disorder and being a lesbian has become hard. I read stories that are Matthew Sheppard related and it makes me want to die. It took me 28 years to come out because I was so afraid of what people I knew would think. A part of me is scared out of my mind I'll be a victim of a hate crime. Why am I not allowed to love who I love? I dated &?#@. I could have married him. The only people that would have been pissed would have been my family. I have to be careful if I want to do any sort of PDA with a woman I'm with. What if I can't find a job I would be able to do? I'm so afraid I will be on disability all of my life because right now I can't imagine making it to tomorrow. I keep thinking about the hospital. I hope for sis's sake of it happens it's after her vacation. I am so scared I won't make anything of my life. The classes I want to take are nutrition classes, sign language, philosophy, the next English class I have to take to get to the other English classes I want to take, intro to psychology, and self defense. What degree could that make? I want to learn (knowledge is power -Scott Cunningham) as much as I can and I have this thirst for knowledge that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fill, but where will that get me in life? Even though my college career I have a steady 4.0 the degree might end up general studies. I want an English degree so I could be an editor and hopefully write my book, but I don't even know I'd that is possible. I have so much to do and I'm so scared I'm not even up for the challenge. Oh great God and Goddess help me find my way, Pandora I ask you to remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and in the bottom of the box there was hope...