What do I do?

How do I get past thing like today. It was (and a little still is) hard to see normalcy. Every thought was sadness or a real/what seemed real failure. It's just such a focus on what I haven't done and how I feel I shoul be somewhere else. Everything takes time. I am so scared that I am wasting mine and I try to do everything that I can because essentially I have no idea how much time I have on this planet...but days like this it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough. I am scared to start new things and anxiety creeps up with the more people that I am around and sometimes that includes the people closest to me. I want to be better but I'm scares every day of my life that I am going to fall. What I want in this minute is to just live in some apartment somewhere, have the stuff that I do, except the speakers, would have to get my own of those...I think that I would be happy. I am getting so insular that I don't feel like I have to be around someone all the time to be ok. When I was deep in my depression/anxiety/nervous breakdown I needed to be by someone at all times and some of the reason is so that I wouldn't be alone...I have this fear of in the physical sense dying alone, so I never wanted to be alone. I figured with my track record of hospital visits and my suicide attempt I never expected to live a long life, so I wanted someone to be by me so that I wouldn't be alone when I died...but everyone dies alone. Even if I have everyone I love around me, it's me taking that journey...I hope that one day this shit will get easier but I have a lot of work that I have to do. I am so afraid that I am not going to accomplish anything in my life. It doesn't really matter in the long run. I want to try to be a good person. It's hard to do. I don't like bitching and being a bitch. I wish that I was comfortable enough to just be nice and not worry what everyone was thinking. To truly not care what other people thought and to he able to just be myself would be an accomplishment that at this point I still haven't been able to master. I feel so much stress and it's so hard to sleep and there is a lot about my life that I am unhappy about and I don't even know how to change some of it. I think all the time and even relaxing I'm always thinking about something. I have tried taking deep breaths to help with how I think and trying to relax. I don't want to look back and regret my life. I hope what I think is important is worth it in the long run.

Breathe 1 2...


But sometimes I just wish it was over. I get to the point that I just don't want to fight it anymore. That's where I am today. I just want to give up. So much is piling up on me that I feel like I can't breathe.


I wish I could still love who I do, but not see most of them ever again.

No more getting too sad.