'Morning Bloggie

Ok so I'm yet again sleep deprived. Running on 4 hours so I hope that this makes sense...then again most shit I post doesn't ;p

Today marks the 43rd anniversary of the Stonewall Inn riots. I was unaware of them until today. I have a lot of pride pages that I follow, and half of them I followed before I came out. I never really thought of why we have parades. I seriously thought at one time it was because "We're here, we're queer, get used to it." I thought it was just a community reaching out and saying don't push me aside. But I am lucky enough to be born in a generation where I literally went on Facebook and told my little world that I was gay. Not one person I know said anything horrible to me and any time I have worn my pride gear no one has treated me different. But that wasn't always the case for my fellow homos :) I didn't know we could be arrested for holding hands. I didn't know that the F.B.I. Would be notified of your homosexuality and you would be put on a list, the god damn F.B.I. Knew your sexuality because "as a homosexual you were "prone" to blackmail and "overt acts of perversion." As you know I am a very emotional person and I cry at the drop of a hat, today was no exception. I read some of these things and tears were streaming (and currently they are watering again just from remembering what I read) I am a slightly discriminative person but I think a lot of people are to some extent. I am mean for no reason at times. I am irreverent. I swear in such a way it's almost paying homage to my dad, no one can swear with such elegance. With all of these imperfections I still identify as being Wiccan and I try my best not to harm. I make rude/crude jokes but I never intend to hurt people and it genuinely bothers me if I do. How could people hate so much? I am scared a little bit. I have feared coming out for years and I kept my feelings from everyone. I didn't want to be different. Even though I'm not alone I feel like the only lesbian in the world (that's the first time I ever called myself a lesbian, I like saying I'm gay better. I have always just liked that word better) I know I'm not, my pride pages and friends and family show me I'm not alone and even though they are mostly straight they haven't made me feel like I'm indecent for saying that I would rather be with a chick. I look back after coming out and I see that the boys I was with were there so that I wouldn't be alone. I dated a &$@! for Christ sake. Not something I'm proud of, but I can twist and make any kind of excuse for someone to help keep my bed warm. The first experience I had with a chick that went beyond kissing was also with a guy but I wanted nothing to do with him. The first person I ever loved was my best friend and all I wanted to do was tell her, but even at my young age I knew she would destroy me and call me names. Knowing that I was afraid to tell anyone that I felt this way. I knew as I was slightly older that my parents wouldn't change their opinion of me. My Mom's maid of honor and childhood best friend is a lesbian and (I forget the exactness so I'm paraphrasing) my dad said that he would be doing the water cooler talk type of thing and someone asked my dad if there was another woman and he replied who ever said it is a woman and he walked away. My parents accept a lot from us kids. They want us to go to school at all costs and they said if we (the three of us) ever needed help to go to further our education they would find a way. They looked at us with our individualism and let us run with it. My parents would give their shirt off of their back for anyone. A good friend of mine was going through a divorce and she needed to store some of her stuff (she was loving in California with her mom before she got married so I'm the only person she knew in the state other than her husband's family) so she wouldn't have to throw it out. I have basically all she owns in life that she couldn't take to her boyfriend's house and my parents are cool with me storing it because they have hearts unlike some evil bastards. My parents have been low on money for a while and we are in some serious debt. I had asked if she could move in because she was in need I thought. My mom heard what she was having to deal with and I know they would have let her stay. With what little we have extra now adays I know that they would do it because they look at it as the right thing to do. It bothers me to this day that the people who lived with us never took my mom out to dinner to say thank you or anything. They just used our house so they could get away from responsibility. I was never a perfect child to them, but I tried to be a good child who at least does the right thing. I think they deserve that because they taught me to be a descent human being. I was never afraid to be myself in front of them. The sexuality part wasn't really worry about how they would react, it was a little but in my heart I knew they would still love me. My parents and I, since I became a teenager have had a friend relationship. My mom is neck and neck for best friend status. Lol. Now all three of us argue like roommates. My mom has kept my phone up when I haven't been able to pay for it because it was low jack. I had more freedom than most teens I knew, but that's because my parents trusted me to make the right decisions. If my mom wanted to talk to me she would call me and ask where I was and when I was coming home and that was it. They have said that none of us (the three again) have respect for them, but I totally respect them. They are two of the most amazing people I have the luxury of being able to know. My brother and sister are like my parents. I didn't really worry. When I identified as being bi my brother had a girlfriend who didn't want to come over because she thought I would make unwanted advances against her and my brother stood up for me. I don't remember what was said to her but I loved that my brother was like that's not right she's my baby sister. I posted this thing when I was supposed to go to Pride festival but I couldn't go because I had lost my wallet and didn't want to drive without my license and stuff. I posted a comment that said so gay and my sister said you said "gay" and my brother said IRONY! Lol. And when I came out I just said I'm Gay and my sister commented well at least you're "happy" it made me giggle. So you see I wasn't worried about them or Face or Me it was the world I was most afraid of. In school people would make fun of these two girls who would hang out on the black top and walk around and call them dykes. I would be by myself playing with rocks (as usual, no friends *shrug*) and think no one can ever know how I feel. When I was older I figured I could just say I was bi and no one would get weird. I had quite a few bi friends in high school. Hormones are crazy with teenagers and I think that's what explains my need to be with someone. At that time I didn't even care about the sex. It just meant I wouldn't be alone. Because of that mentality I have suffered needlessly. I am so lucky that lesbian who said her handcuffs were too tight and she was hit in the head with a billy club and she shouted "do something!" and the riot began. They went outside and screamed "Gay power" and singing "We shall Overcome" (and the tears start falling) even beaten and outnumbered, in more ways than one, those people stood up and said we deserve better. Because of these brave people I can say on here I'm gay. I thank those people for standing up for injustice. I can be myself and not live a life that makes other people happy and be dead on the inside. I can find a woman to love and be with her and only have to worry about small minded neighbors in a sense. My life would have been very different if I never would have been able to be myself. Thank you everyone who has ever stood up for what they believe in, you give me strength.