"My Womb is Empty"

Today has been especially difficult. I see ghosts of what might have been. I catch myself rubbing the empty womb hoping for a miracle. I usually try to think of some random thought like this wasn't meant for me...but all my life I have wanted to be a mother. It only got stronger with the first niece, then the first nephew, and then my youngest niece. Looking at the life I had always wanted. I write (type) this with tear stained cheeks, thinking of the box of hope that I keep in my closet. One day I will no longer be mentally ill, so I won't need medication anymore, so I could get pregnant and not harm the fetus. Am I just trying to fulfill the primal need to procreate to keep the human race going? I think not. These ghosts haunt me at every turn. The tears keep streaming...I always wondered what it felt like to feel a kick. I had thought it felt like the butterflies that flew around you when love first hit, and then eventually became a baby. I had romanticized what it would have been like, high school sweethearts, went to college, graduated, got pregnant, worked while the children were in school, trying very hard to be like all of the families that were played on Nick at Nite. But as my story goes, I dropped out of high school, had a horrible string of relationships, became ill, fell in love twice, and only lived away from my parents under one year's time. I needed my stomach to be pumped so that I would survive my suicide attempt looking on at my mother and, at the time, not realizing what it would do to her having two out of her three children attempt suicide. Then next to her was the person who saved my life, one of the only men that I had ever loved. If it wasn't for him this blog wouldn't exist and I would have only see a few months of my eldest niece's life. It always goes back to illness to me. I fear I will walk through my life never experiencing things I wanted to so badly be deserved. Maybe if I was a better person I wouldn't be alone. So many thoughts wondering what ifs and what could should have been. I hear people tell me that I have time and this and that could happen. Then explain to me how I could birth a child when I can't be off of my mood stabilizers/antidepressants/anxiety medication for more than two days. Was I such a horrible person that I can never feel those butterfly flutters? Every year I get older there is the fact that pregnancy would be riskier, not only does my medication cause birth defects, but as I get older the same thing happens.

I can't think about this anymore.

Just drop it Krak.

It just wasn't meant to be...