:(

I think what is bothering me the most is the kid thing. I would only be able to have that happen if I was with someone who had kids before I for in the picture or surrogacy and I probably will not be able to make that happen because my eggs are diseased, my illness would probably pass because of genetics. I wanted to be a writer, from Lois Lane who had her superman to a novelist writing what people liked, after that and in the middle college. The next logical step would be kids. How would I ever be able to be a mother? I couldn't even be pregnant because my medications cause birth defects. So many people I know have families and I fucking jealous. I am living in my parents basement wishing I wasn't here or anywhere. I will never be the mother I wanted to become. I will never feel a baby kick, never know the feeling of creating a life. I will always be on the outside looking at what I can never have. I don't think I will ever be well. I haven't been stable for over six months since around 1996. I was never promised fair or easy, but did you really have to take kids away from me? What am I living for? I fail at relationships, I'm in constant chaos, and I don't ever feel like I will be normal ever again.

The guy and I tried for a little while, never stuck. I wasn't even on medication at the time. I wonder if that was my only chance.

Maybe I just wanted them for the wrong reasons, and if we would have had a child I would still have to see him.

I can't cope. I have to hold my head down walking around to get to class. I don't want to look at people.

I want to give up.

If it wouldn't have fucked up so many people I would be dead right now. I'm not staying alive for myself, just barely getting by. Take a step forward and another and then, oh wait, take three steps back now.

Send me a sign. Give in or keep trying, because I don't think I can even male that decision myself.