What is wrong with me?

I finally settle down a little bit and I get right back to where I was before. I just can't seem to get any of this right. Thinking you should kill yourself on the way to class is such a wonderful thought to have. I want to cut so bad. I want to cry for weeks. It's like in Harry Potter with the dementors. It's like this absolute feeling of wrong. I feel like I am already dead inside. What do I have to look forward to? I can barely hold down two classes and I can't get a degree doing what I want and only being able to ... One class a semester. I feel inadequate.

I don't love life like I used to. I will never be pregnant, I will never get to be the mother I always envisioned that I would become. Who is to say that I could somehow pull that off, I might end up right back in the psych ward and resent the child for causing me to relapse.

I feel like the only one in the world who this is happening to. I want to make my life better and I want the children that I was supposed to have and the life that I always wanted, was being a mother and having a life that made sense too much to ask? It makes me wonder if there is even a deity out there why would it be putting me through this? What normal person tries to figure out how to leave everyone behind and find a place to make it happen. I am constantly being disappointed with everything in my life. I feel as though there is no purpose for me, that I was the mistake who broke the mold. I will never love life again. In that statement I feel it to be true.

I feel like Job. What else are you going to throw at me? Was I this horrible in a past life?

I don't want anyone to know this. What will it solve? Another medication that will stop working on 6 months. And how did I get the idea to date in my head. After waking up Sean and telling him to take me to the hospital makes me think that because I cycle weird and that you don't know how long I will be ok and for the fact that I can never keep money and the other long laundry list of reasons why I fail every day matter how hard I try.

I don't want to live.

That sums up how bad it gets. No one should ever have to feel that their life has no worth/meaning. But it's how I feel. I will be a burden on everyone until I'm dead and gone.

I feel helpless
Hopeless
Alone

When will this stop so I can be free?