February 21, 2012

I am so tired of getting better and then getting worse. I have had an increase in my self confidence and esteem, and I was starting to relax a little bit, but I am so scared that I will not get better. I have been walking through a dream it feels like...I wish I would wake up and feel my version of normal, but god knows that probably won't ever happen. I have these big dreams to finish college, and that involves going full time in the next year or two, plus I have been wanting to write a book of my own for my depression and what I have went through all the years I have had differences in moods and depression. I have been eating a lot of junk food and I have been gaining weight but it's like I can't stop myself. Totally sucks. Dr. Hanson prescribed me a new medication, Cogentin, it's supposed to mellow me out so I don't get so anxious because of the saphris. I take it in the morning and before bed and so far I am liking it. Lets see if I can remember all psych meds I have been on: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zyprexa, Xanax, Ativan, Paxil, Prolixin (I think,) Abilify, Zoloft, Seroquel, Depakote, Lithium, Celexa, Valium, Effexor, Serzone (again, I think,) (I think) Tegretol, and possibly a few more. Cogentin, Depakote, Xanax, and Saphris are the medications that I am currently on. The cogentin was started last Friday, they kinda make me feel almost high, but I am finally relaxing. I have started to become afraid of sleeping again. I do not understand why it scares me so much, but it does. I am trying so hard not to miss a dose and to make sure there is a steady dose in my system as much as possible. I am having a hard time with the saphris because I have to take it before going to sleep but I can't eat or drink for 15 minutes. For some reason those measly few minutes make or break whether I am going to take that pill on any given night. I wish I could do the same things I need to everyday. I don't always shower...last time I showered I think was almost 2 weeks ago. I always feel bad when I do this, at least for a while I was taking baths, but I haven't even really done that lately. I know that I am dirty and need to do something about it but it's like I can't do anything. I am so out of sorts. I am having a lot of mood swings, gaining weight, horrible with hygiene in general, being down, wanting to sleep all the time, and having a hard time even getting to sleep. I hate that fear even though I don't understand what to do to make that better. Figure out more later. Going to try and clean before I sleep tonight. I have so many things to do tomorrow and I already feel overwhelmed. I hope I will be able to pull through and hope I won't freak out.