4 years, Luv

I don't even know if I could sleep. I took a sleeping pill so I hope it works. It's been 4 years. Jessica let me ramble about you early this morning. She ended up going to sleep around 5am. I just wanted to talk about what I remembered about you. I remember moving your keyboard while you were laying in front of the computer and I would hug you and just feel comfortable that you were there. You would sing to me and hug me, and there was nothing more important than that to me. At times I wish that I would have been able to get medication through the county like I was able to in my own (Macomb) county. But if things wouldn't have happened the way that they did, you and Chuck would have died in that apartment. I never wanted you to be alone, but I was also so scared seeing you. You having a trach and trying to pull it out. I still think of you writing on that piece of paper that you said the hospital staff was trying to kill you. I didn't know if you were hallucinating or if you were just scared or what. I wish that I could have been stronger and been able to see you more and I still regret not knowing if you had any final wishes. I told your cousin that you didn't want to be buried in a piano box, but you told the momma that you were afraid that getting cremated would hurt. I hope what I did was right. I wish I knew what happened to your ashes, I would like to hope that Dawn has them. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. I think of things like that you never got to see the series finale of Smallville and weird stuff like that. I would like to have hoped we would have still been together. but who knows what might have been. Tony wrote a nice sentiment about you on facebook. He's naming his son after you and his uncle. He said he is going to call him Hank, it warmed my heart. I hope today passes without incident, if the baby is born today it would be wonderful. I think I'm gonna take another sleeping pill. I think that's the only way I will stay asleep. I think that we would still be together...but maybe that's wishful thinking. I love you Henry Louis McCaul. My life was/is better for having known you. Farewell my Luv.