I feel left out (8/20/2012)

I never feel like people understand what I am trying to get at and they look at me like ok stupid and I just don't want to handle it anymore. I told Jess that I'm running away and in the beginning it was a joke, but things have changed. I have no attachments here and I don't want to be here so it's either leave or the grave. Kurt Cobain is always in my head because remember its always better to burn out than to fade away. Some random shrink will just throw pills at me and say this will make everything better and those people at the health department like that stupid bitch who does nothing for me, they are the answer as well. Over 15 years dealing with these illnesses and they think if they throw enough pulls at me I'll be ok...but if they throw enough pills at me that might be all I need to end it all. My life doesn't get better. Happiness is fleeting, but comfort and contentment are even few and far between. My depression is constant and I don't know if I can ever repair the damage to my self esteem.

People need to want to live to survive. To have it in you that, "I can best this." my head tells me the exact opposite. I try to talk to people and they just think I'm being dramatic. So I'm I'm this alone.

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and I just want the God and Goddess to call me home.

I can't play the bullshit games. I like a handful of people in my life, I have to fake "liking" "loving" the others. I just want to live by myself until I can't take it anymore and eat a gun.

If I told someone they would put me in a hospital and I want nothing to do with that. If I want to die, why won't anyone let me? Do you know my pain? Do you know what I feel when I wake up? If you did I don't think you would be judging me. What does me being alive solve? I'll break it down:

I have to be on disability because I'm crazy and I'm afraid to work because I don't think that I would ever last long

My family? They'll get over it. They got over Grams.

Friends, they either pretend to care, care but don't know how to help, or just don't want to talk about sad shit

I tried to reach out, most recently to Jess but she thinks smoking and talking about happy things puts a band-aid on a bullet wound. I need to talk through my sad, but I guess that doesn't matter.

I should be excited because I am going to beta king classes that I think that I will like but I have no excitement. I feel dead inside. I don't want to go to the hospital because all they do is throw pills at you.

Haven't I learned enough in this life? Isn't it time for me to come home?

I wanna be with Becky and I would like to do things but then again I really don't. There is no beauty in the world and all there is is hate.

I don't have anyone to go to. But how can I kill myself without someone finding me? That's what's keeping my from doing it. Someone will find me and or have to identify me. Does anyone ever think that some people just aren't supposed to live? What absolutely NO ONE GETS IS THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I would much rather have oblivion.

I have no purpose and there is no way in fuck I would live for anyone other than myself and I don't want that. People get over death.

No one understands how miserable I am. I DON'T WANT THIS.

I keep trying to find something to fill the void, been in therapy for years, took the fucking meds put in front of me, and for what? Nothing. Lectures about smoking pot when they should have been worried about my 2 pack a day habit. But everything is ass backwards everywhere.

I'm not happy and I can't tell you the last time I was genuinely happy or content. I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I just can't hold it's weight anymore.

My mother believes in hell and purgatory and would fear for me of I got there. I don't want a catholic or Christian funeral. I just want to be buried and have it all be over. I think the Goddess and God will understand. They made me.

I don't give a fuck about who I leave behind, they're lives will go on. I don't want mine to, I have no future and I want nothing more than this to all end.

I'm just so tired, Goddess and God, please just let me sleep.