One step forward, three steps back

I think I'm in like. <3 Becky and I have been talking for a while and we more or less made it official. I feel like we may have it right. I really really really really like her, and she me. I wanna hope she's the one. I am so horrible at relationships, but I know I'll love this girl.

That's not the shitty part. I'm not sleeping again. I'm getting depressed and scared about school. When you don't sleep you start to lose sight of what's real or if you're dreaming or awake. Everything gets jumbled and I can't tell what's up or down. I don't know if it's the bipolar that makes it all this way. All I want is to be good, but I'm not. I hate. I hate people who I probably shouldn't, even family. What kind of person does that make me? I am never good enough. I'll never make it through. I am so afraid I'm gonna kill myself and hurt everyone I love. I don't think anyone understands...somewhere I remember seeing/hearing you don't know how much it takes not to kill yourself. Some days I wake up and all I do the whole day is plan and think about how and when I'll do it because it hurts to breathe. I said that, that it hurts to breathe and all I heard was I was emo and being dramatic...I was being honest. I wish I didn't have mental illnesses. I hurt my mom. She probably didn't think she would have to help bathe her daughter in her 20s and I see the battle on her face if she thinks I'm not showering enough. I'm so scared all of the time. All the time. I have been on disability for...4 years is it? I don't think I will ever get off of it. Some days I feel like a free loader because I feel well that day or week but then I fall apart. It's gotten to the point again of never sleeping or sleeping all the time, most days I wake up and try and force myself to sleep more. I feel like not only will this war never be over, but that I'm going to lose.

I just want to settle down with a nice girl (Becky) who loves me (really hope it's Becky) in a nice little house or whatever, hopefully be a successful writer who helps people who have been through what I have, keeping the people I love still around, and grow old with Becky...I mean the hypothetical girl and wait for my mom to move in with me (hey, I know it's inevitable) and be actually happy.

I just want love and to be loved and to be happy. Why is an emotion to much to ask? Ok not happy, I want to be content.

God I'm probably wrong about everything.

Will any of this come true? The positive or negative...I don't know.

Goddess and God please let this little Wiccan lesbian have her little dream.

And let me be less angry. :)

I need to do something else. I hope I write more later.

I gotta go.