suicidal again

wtf man. I feel like I am relapsing back to a drug. I was doing so well. I haven't cut since my stitches. (About 3 years ago I cut my arm so bad that I had to get 10 stitches. I used a new razor blade and pushed...I made the bade go about an inch deep in my skin.) I haven't been suicidal in almost a year. I think that's why I am upset, because I get to milestones and I get upset if I can't surpass them. People keep telling me that I am too hard on myself, and I see it but I don't. My case manager told me that I should be proud because a few years ago I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now, when I would fall off the grid before they didn't know if/when they were going to hear from me again, now I at least try to call and let them know that I am not coming or call soon to tell them that I am having issues. I don't know if it was the way that I was brought up or if it is something else entirely, but I just think that no matter what I do, it is never good enough. The letter that I received has made me so proud of what I have accomplished over this year and I am giving myself a pat on the back because I have pushed through and made myself better. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes, but I am growing everyday and I hope that one day all of this fucked up bull shit will make sense and it will have all been for something. I have changed my dating profile to looking for women instead of men. I decided that I am really going to try and see if I can make a relationship with a woman work. I have been so afraid in the past and I don't want to be afraid anymore. The pain is getting worse. I am taking pain killers pretty much every day. I don't know what to do about it. It's funny, I have decided to date girls and I am getting the birth control implant in like 2 weeks. I am so Polish.