I can't sleep but I started writing again!

I can't sleep more than a night. Of course at this point I have been up 21 hours. Days are burring into one another and I was actually on the right path and then I hung out with Jess and when she went to sleep, that whole fear of going to sleep came back and I just couldn't do it. Drove back to my house and decided to update on here and do as much as I can until I am tired enough to go to sleep, hopefully. The first thing I wrote was around the last days of school. It was about my struggle with having kids and wondering if being an aunt will be enough. I only had a couple people read it and they just said that it was sad. I read my descriptive essay to John, it was about my stay in the psych wing after my overdose. I was proud of my wordplay and I think I explained myself well and I tried my hardest to make the reader feel like they were there. I want to do that as a writer. So far I have a 4.0 and I am happy to say that all classes have been As and my English class's final grade was 98% and Got a letter in the mail from the Dean of Student Success because of my English professor. "You have demonstrated your eagerness to learn and your willingness to work diligently to meet the expectations of the class. The instructor congratulates you on your progress and encourages you to continue your noteworthy performance." It makes my day knowing that I tried hard to do well in school and that it was noticed. I was shocked that something like that even existed, but I pushed myself and I would never have made it this far 5 years ago. I tried to kill myself and barely existed in anything. I wouldn't have been able to make it to class consistently, let alone get such a high grade. I am still hard on myself and have to remind myself that there was a time where I thought that everyone was disappointed in me or hated me, even family members, for no reason at all. I said weird shit to them and scared many of them because of how I acted or reacted to things. Parts of that part of my life are fuzzy and I feel bad for what I put my loved ones through. At one time I would get very drunk and be unstable and wake up my mother and have her drive me around and she said I would spew venom. And I remember the yelling I did at those times and it was partly because I was keeping so much in that I didn't know what to do when I was faced with turmoil. 4.0 I feel bad for being so excited about this, and mostly its because of what other people will think and the other part is the guilt. Like that other people have been doing this for a while and I am so far behind because I am only now just getting into college. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. I am lucky to be alive with the overdose and with how bad my anxiety used to be I couldn't even leave the house. it is still difficult for me to be around people, mom and I went to a festival and I had to look at the ground so that I wouldn't freak out. I did get an ego boost, I was walking by and this guy was looking my way and I was wearing a v low cut shirt and I had boobage all over and he almost tripped because of it. It made me feel awesome that someone thought I was worth looking at. I was at Target yesterday and mom got a gift card from barnes & noble, a card, and azaleas for mom for mother's day; so I was looking for dad's father's day card to get it out of the way and they had the one I got which said, "Dad You're The Best" and on the inside it says, "ATM" I almost died laughing in Target so I had to get it. I also picked up Wreck This Journal It inspired me to write this and gave me a few ideas for essays I want to write and things to look into for writing. Most of the summer I want to be spent on reading all these unread books that I have and write new material because it's been forever since I have written anything that came from the heart. I am supposed to watch Sis's house in about a month. I am looking forward to it because I will get a house to myself and I will be able to hopefully catch up on my numerous books I haven't read yet and possibly write some things that have been in my head for a while. Face will be in town with the girls so I am going to miss time with them, but Sis still doesn't know exactly when she is getting here because the military is jacked. I miss everyone that's out of state. Fred is on r&r but that's half way done and he won't be back back for 7 more months. Mom admitted to be down because of the kids not being around and I think she may be owning some of it because she actually said we should go out when we went to the festival. I'm glad they had push coin for her. God all I want to do is sleep and stay up at the same time :( I saw the first fish fly of the year. Epic :( I was looking up cult stuff on wikipedia and other random stuff, berlin wall was one of em. I am amazed at most of the things that you can find on the interweb. I really want another ferret :( they made me so happy, even the douchy ones. I loved Weazel. The only thing I worry about is picking up shit randomly around the room. I wouldn't be able to do it for a long time because I would have to buy everything again and even the cage alone is expensive. I think that's enough for now. I plan on writing more later today if I can. <3 Psycho Bitch