I just want to be alone sometimes

I am glad I can stay at Jess' but I feel the weight of that. I just wish I could live in a apartment and read books until indie. I try so hard to be a normal human like everyone else but no one gets me when I feel this destitute. At this very moment I don't plan to make it to 40. Not for some urge to die, but because what's the point. School makes me happy, but no one is going to pay me to go to school. I can barely sit in a room with people I know without taking Xanax. I just don't have any fight in me right now. I don't even know if I wish that I did. I am ambivalent and that may be worse. I am so complacent on something I should be fighting to keep my life...but in a sense I have noting to live for. Like in equalibrium, without emotion life is just a ticking clock. That's what I feel like, a clock ticking until it just...stops.