Oh the "humanity"

I said this to Jess in a text

"Why do people hate gay people? I'm sitting on a couch crying because of a video I saw about someone losing the one he loved and he was shut out from his partner's funeral. I am so afraid of a relationship. One of the reasons I am so scared about Becky is because I get this feeling about her family, whether it's in my head or not. I really really really really like Becky and this is all just through texting! But I am fucking afraid. I'm scared to put a pride sticker on my car because I don't want to get vandalized. I hope no one wonders why it took me 28 years to come out...I am afraid every day of rejection. I knew I was gay when I was in something like the second grade. But I was TERRIFIED of what would happen if someone knew...so I buried it as deep as I possibly could and hoped I could just marry a man and live my life as a lie because honestly who chooses to be gay. Granted if I would have come out I may never have met Hank, and I don't know if I would ever like to think of a world where I never knew Hank. I just don't know how I feel about much else. I don't want to be with anyone because I'm scared of what happened in that video. If you want to see it go on George Takei's page. I need to think about something else I'm getting depressed."

I was watching the YouTube video about Tom Bridegroom and I cried so hard I had to stop the video for a minute. I am lucky to live in America because I can say that I'm gay and I won't be arrested and beheaded because I love women instead of men. I made myself confused about my sexuality for years because I was afraid of what other people would think of me because it's not common compared to straight people. Most of the boys I dated were because they said yes or showed an interest and I desperately did not want to be alone. My ex fiancé said that he was afraid that I would leave him for a woman and in a way I will always love him and he will always be in my heart, just like Hank, but he's right something like this realization would have happened and I would have left him. At this point we would have been together around a decade and I wouldn't want to destroy anyone like that so I am glad that we ended up splitting up. I still stand by that we should have been best friends and not dated. If we would have kept it friendly we still would have been friends. Well you live you learn. That's what I was hoping for this that I would learn to stand up for myself and anyone else who isn't free to love who they love. I think I am only one person, but many of the people I admire stood up for what they thought was right and some even died for it. I don't want to be a martyr. I freak out when I think my best friend doesn't like me, how would it be on a larger scale? But I feel I have to speak out for those who can't or those who, like me, are scared to try. I want to be an activist. I believe that everyone should have the right to be with who they love. Even before I came out and I believed that I only liked men I still thought that.

I am so afraid to love some girl because of how it will look. Will I get looks for PDA? Will someone find out who I am and flip and do something like throw rocks at my car? (it could happen) I always tried to stay in the norm. I rebelled and tried to be a nonconformist and think outside the box but not in my love life because I was afraid of what would happen if I shared my true feelings. I get depressed over the fact that I'm gay. It sucks having 2 stigmas follow me around being crazy and gay. I get so scared that I won't make it because I don't expect a happy ending. I hope one day I'll be able to help someone, because what I am/have been going through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.