So much to do

I am still up at 4:30am and I need to get to bed so that I can do all of the things that I planned since I was out of commission for a week due to being sick. I am still sick, just not as bad. Last night I went to urgent care and the doctor prescribed cough syrup with codeine, 12 hour sinus pills, amoxicillin, and motrin. I didn't get the motrin but after taking the rest I got comfortable and hoped for an easy night. After finding out about my mom, and finding out about my sister's misfortune I wasn't in the mood to be awake, but my body had other ideas. I was told to increase my fluids, but every time I would swallow it felt like I was swallowing knives. It hurt so bad I was sniffling all night. The pain didn't go away until the morning and I didn't wake up until almost 8pm. I have set alarms so I hope to be awake to finish all of the things that I planned on doing.

I feel bad about mom. Maybe she would have come to me if I was having a hard time not smoking. I honestly think about it once or twice a day but not craving, just thinking. I am so disappointed in her for not saying anything and going back to it without talking to us about it. I wish she would let me be there for her and talk to me! I am afraid that I am going to lose her. The procedure that she has to have done is worrying her because it's one Grams had to get and it's on both sides of her neck, but it's important to live so I don't even see a choice. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I don't think I should ever try to be. I would have to go off of medication and might become erratic or have serious problems. I almost wish I could have a surrogate, but that is insanely expensive and no one is going to let me adopt with past suicide attempts. I always go back and forth on the kid issue but now that I am single I don't have to worry about it but I also think that I should stick to this idea because I think that it would he in everyone's best interest.

Ok, now I think I am going to wander around post secret before I go to bed. Hope I get most things accomplished when I wake up.

Wtf am I gonna do?

So the Face brought it to my attention that mom has been saying for 3 days that she was in walgreens and she was worried mom started smoking again. I haven't been able to be by her a lot lately. I've been sick and for the most part trying to keep to myself. Anyway the Face said that one day she came over and she said that mom smelled like one of her air freshener she used to use to disguise it from people before. I noticed, now that I'm looking for it, that she has also been sleeping on the couch...my point in all of this explanation...I decided when I got home from getting prescriptions for this horrible sore throat that I have had for a week, and after hanging out at Gram's house with the girls and Fred...anyway I decided that I was going to look in her purse to see if she was hiding it again. I found a pack of cigarettes. I told her when she felt that she wanted to start again or was having cravings that she should talk to me. I know it's different for me because I am not having a hard time with it, but I could try to help. I love her and I don't want her to die and I am worried I am going to lose my mom because she is being stubborn. It hasn't even been a month and she is back at it. What do I do? I'm so scared. Dad even commented that he thought she was probably back at it. My throat feels like I'm swallowing knives, so I am going to watch some tv and maybe pass out. I am so disappointed.

Yay and nay

So tomorrow it will be a month since I stopped smoking. I am proud of myself. I think about it once or twice a day but almost always in the "wow I used to smoke sense." I hope my want for not smoking lasts because I know a lot of people who smoke from time to time and I don't want to do that.

Mom had her second heart attack a month ago. I am worried about her. She has to get a procedure to get the blockage out of her neck, 80% blocked in both in the neck. I am probably taking her because she can't drive to it and I am glad because that gives me more of a reason to be there. It is going to be during the first week of the year. I hope everything is ok because I am scared something could happen. She said that when Grams got it done her neck was all bandaged up and she ate her lunch and them threw it up, I'm guessing from the trauma :( I just hope she will be ok.

So I took my final and it was super easy! I was worried for nothing. Well, I think so at least. I tried to log into angel and get my grade, but I couldn't get it to work and it's making me mad because I don't know what to do to get them. I think I will ask John if he knows what I could do.

Jaymie, Fred, and the girls are coming in tonight. I got a text a while ago that said welcome to Michigan so they will be here shortly. I miss my girls, but I have been out of sorts and it hasn't helped everything that has been going on. It sucks because it's the holidays and it's like I don't want to be by anyone and I just want it to be over. :(

I got a lot of trash out and stuff for good will that I have to take in tomorrow and take expired pills to recycle and take the plastic bags in AND I have to finish laundry. At least I got all of my presents wrapped.

Gotta go, I missed a few things to add but I gotta text people back and tv is calling my name.

So not in the mood

I don't know what the reason is, but I am not feelin it for the holiday season. I don't want to be around anyone and any preparations towards anything is always being thwarted. I am done buying what I need. I was planning on getting something extra for my mom, but I have decided fuck that. All she has done this week is piss me off. She sits on her ass when she gets home until she goes to bed and any attempt of me trying to better this house isn't even appreciated. She should feel lucky that anyone would want to help her with her hoarding problem and HER shithole of a mess. I can wait until I don't live here anymore. I hate it here and all it does is depress me and yet again something no one cares about except me. I am sick of all of this. I should just tell her to take back whatever she got me and just stay away from everyone I know. This has been a horrible season and I can't wait for it to be over. I hope my mood improves because I can't take much more of this.

Last day. Last minute studying!

I did study all week, but I could have done a better job. I still am having problems remembering how to study :0 it's sad but I...
In the middle of posting and the Face called. I have to go to school and face the music, I have a feeling I haven't retained anything :-/
At least it isn't a big chunk of my grade. Well, gotta run!

I feel like shit

I have been crying and my head is killing me. I had all week to study for my final and I could barely do it. I have felt horribly depressed and I haven't seen anyone really. I never really leave the house and it wasn't bothering me but I feel so alone and I don't feel connected to anyone and I should be asleep but I am scared to sleep. I thought I was over that but it had been bad the past few days. I stay up until I can't take it anymore and then pass out. I'm having a lot of dreams that I have had before and they are real odd and don't make any sense. I don't want to sleep! It's scary! I should feel proud I am almost done with my class and I am taking my medication and I am trying, it is just so hard. I wish I knew what to do. I'm going to read and hope that sleeping somehow gets easier

*sigh*

I tried to get up early today and when I got out of bed to go to the bathroom my foot came down on something and ripped the skin just behind the arch on my left foot. It hit a nerve and it was hard to put pressure on it and it sucked to walk. I finally get up at 9:30 instead of noon and I end up laying down so my foot will stop bothering me ;( I got up at what is the old normal of afternoon and I am so pissed about it. I just have to keep trying until I get it right.

I have been enjoying my nook! I finished Melissa Marr's Graveminder last night. I loved the story line and pretty much everything about it. It makes me sad because I don't know anyone else with a nook so I can't let anyone read it.

I bought the Post Secret app a few weeks ago. I was having fun making secrets on my own and reading what people had to say. It really passes the time easily.

Speaking of books, Clockwork Prince comes out in a few days and I am not sure I want to buy the book or the ebook. There is extra stuff with it and I'm not sure if it will be on the ebook. Decisions decisions.

So much to do so little time. I have been slacking everywhere and I feel bad about it.

:(

I am getting so mad at myself. Ever since mom went into the hospital, i haven't been waking up in the morning anymore. I was doing my beat and before this all happened I was getting up at 9 and was trying to get up at 8 instead :( I keep setting my alarms and still ignoring them so I have to figure out a way to get up and stay up!

My personal journey paper is due on Monday. I was proud of what I wrote and I am going to go over it again to make sure I did everything the way I wanted. I discussed my depression and how it has affected my life. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to write it because I do eventually want to write a book about my struggles and how it has made me the person I am today and I felt that the paper was a wonderful start even if I only write it for me it's something I am glad I did.

Mom and I have been talking about how we have been feeling about smoking. I haven't had many issues. It's been over a week and I have panicked twice about not having them anymore and wanting one. It's so weird but then again that was a twelve year addiction and it's not something that you can give up overnight and by that I am meaning the routine of what you would usually do to smoke. And I am meaning the habit of what was usually done. Like going outside to smoke after eating, it feels so strange to me that I don't do it anymore and when I go in my car to drive somewhere I roll my window down automatically.

I think I am going to stay up tonight and see Jessica. I haven't hung out with anyone in a long time...

I suck

After all of what went down last week I was having problems sleeping. So for the past few days that things were going bak to normal I keep not waking up when I am supposed to and haven't been getting out of bed until well after 1pm. It's making me very upset to fall back into bad patterns. :(

Surreal

It's so hard to look at mom. I keep thinking about how we all could have lost her. I thank God that my mom didn't die 5 years ago when she had her first heart attack, or this past week with her second and possibly third. She is the most important person in my life. She is my best friend. I know that one day I am going to have to bury my mom, I just thank God that it didn't happen last week. Especially since dad turned 60 on Sunday. I know that he doesn't care about birthdays, but losing mom I think would have hurt him horribly. I am not ready to live without my mom. Hell, I miss her when she is sleeping :(

It is a week today that I stopped smoking. Slightly after Mom's angioplasty I smoked the last cigarette in my pack and didn't buy any more after that. Mom seems to be doing alright as well, I am worried that she is going to go back to it. That's why I am happy I stopped to, I hope that she will lean on me when it gets too hard for her. I don't want her to go back to it and I hope I can help het so that she doesn't go back to it.

Stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped smoking weed. Take my meds every day and try to do my best. I try to pick myself back up when I fall and I am trying to do what is best for me. I am single and for the first time in my life, it doesn't bother me. I think that I am finally getting my life together. I am scared of falling, but like my closest have said to me, what's life but getting back up from your failures? Life is all about failing and getting back up and trying again. I have gotten back up. It took me 10 years to get back up from my illness and feel like I am finally living again. I am so scared of screwing up, but I think a lot of people feel that way and they get through it so I think I will find a way to do so as well.

Finally, life is worth living again.

Woke up late

I don't even know if I got up during any one of my alarms. I haven't had a chance to go over my chapter I have a quiz on tomorrow. I have been kind of out of it because of everything that is going on. I didn't get up until the afternoon, which really bugged me. I was doing so well. I hope I get up at my normal time tomorrow. Mom and I don't have group so I might be able too get other stuff done before I have to go to class. Mom seems to be alright and coping well enough. I saw one of her legs and the front by the pelvis area was completely black. It scared the hell out of me. I know it's because of the blood thinners that she is on, but it just looks so awful. So much to do...

Grateful

My mom had a heart attack last Sunday. She had stents put in and had angioplasty. I was insanely worried about her and while she was having the procedure done I was in the cath lab waiting room, listening to Justin Bieber, and drinking 3 cups of coffee. I was shaking when I took my first sip. I was going to wait in her room while the procedure was done, but a nurse said for me to go down and see mom before. I was planning on reading the easy way to stop smoking book. I had decided earlier in the year that this was my year to quit smoking. A lot of things fell into place and watching mom go through this again, after only 5 years, I knew I had to quit smoking. Since Monday I haven't smoked. I was the heaviest smoker that I know and stopping was easier than I thought it was going to be. I was so worried on thanksgiving when my mom went back into the hospital and had to get angioplasty again. It was an insanely hectic week and I am happy mom is back at home and I feel better about it as well. I am going to try and help mom stay away from smoking and try and help her figure out a better diet for her so that it can help with her health issues. She is in denial about a lot of stuff and eating is one of them. Her blood sugar was high almost the while time they were checking it. I don't want to lose my mom any earlier then I have to.

Barnes & Noble had lowered the price of the black and white nook from $139 to $99, and on black Friday it was $79. I had been saving up money for it and I sold my bag of pot since I stopped smoking that as well and I paid for mine with gift cards, cash, and a credit card. I bought Graveminder and got about 50 pages into it.

I fucked up my schedule again and right now it is 4:30am and I'm still up. I was reading in the tub and people are starting to get up and I am going to bed. I dont want to stay on that schedule anymore so I am going to try and go to sleep early when I get up today so that I can try to get back into a routine.

Off to bed I go. :( still makes me a little sad at times that I am not a night owl anymore. Oh well.

getting better

I was having a rough time and I still don't know what triggered it. I didn't notice anything, but it was Gram's birthday two days ago so I know that that has at least a little part in it. I miss her every day, just like I miss Hank. Oh, Tony and his wife Nicole are pregnant and they are naming their boy Robert Henry. That made my day, anything to help remember one of the best person I have ever known. It's hard thinking they are both gone. Before Hank I only had Greatie's death and I was always removed from that, I didn't see her all the much and it didn't hit me like it did for Grams or Hank. I am still pissed by the way that Hank's family stopped talking to me. I was never told why and it pisses me off I wasn't involved in anyway with a remembrance of him. That is one of the reasons that I got the tattoo. It hurt so much because of where it was, but I closed my eyes while it was happening and kept saying in my head that this is for you. This is how I will always keep you with me. The person who did my Hank tattoo asked me if I was sure, because of getting a name on my body permanently...and to this day I don't regret that tattoo and I don't think I ever will. Hank taught me so much and helped me with so much and even when I was sick while he was dying I visited him at least once a week. I never stayed all that long because I would have to see him on a ventilator and he would get so frustrated because I remember this one time he was scared, but he had a tracheotomy in and he wrote on a paper that he thought the doctors were trying to kill him, and I kept telling him he was safe and he got so upset he was trying to rip the tube out of his throat and I was so scared. I couldn't make him better and he was losing weight and I was, and still am, proud of him. He fought to stay here, I have one regret. Before the tracheotomy I wanted to talk to him alone I didn't ask everyone to leave. I wanted to ask him what his wishes were and I wanted to tell him I loved him and was hoping he would say it back to me. He only thought about other people. He had a heart of gold and did what he could to be awesome to everyone he met. He was getting to a weight that I think he would have been able to learn to walk again. It was so hard being with him while he was hospitalized. I remember when he was in I think the Toledo hospital it was a 2 bed room and I sat next to him and we talked for hours and someone asked who I was and he said my love monkey. God I love that man to this day. I will carry him in my heart until the day I die. Leaving Bruce and going to Hank, may make me sound heartless or that I didn't love Bruce, I did love Bruce, but he wasn't healthy for me, he was very immature and he mooched off of me for years, and the most important part was that Hank needed me. Bruce wasn't doing anything to better himself and he worked a total of I would say 6 months, at the most, of the almost 4 years we were together. Hank took care of me. I would cry because I wasn't on meds because I couldn't find a place to hekp me because I didn't have insurance at the time. I would move his keyboard and lay in front of him and he would hug me and sing to me until I was better. He was by no means perfect, but I loved him, flaws and all. Writing/talking about him always helps me do a little better and feel better about it, because reliving those memories makes me feel like he is still with me. I wish he would have told me things though. I don't know if I can forgive him about leaving me in the dark about things. Like I assumed he made decent money and that our bills were fine, but he went through most of his savings and I felt horrible that it happened because I wasn't working at the time and I wasn't on disability at the time, but even in hindsight, if I would have done those things and he would have just went on being the way he was and if I would have stayed, he could have died sooner, he could have died when Chuck did, because chuck died a month or two before Hank did. I just hope I bought happiness in his life. And I don't feel bad about leaving Bruce to do this.I had this feeling I needed to be in Hank's life. We were meant to be together. He needed me like I needed him. I still regret not spending enough time with him in the hospital but the last 3 or 4 months he was never conscious and I would ask him when I was in there if he knew who I was and he would shake his head no and I would tell him who I was and that I loved him and I would just hold his hand and it was so hard to bear I couldn't be in the room that long, it was a battle figuring out what to do, stay for 20 minutes not knowing what to do, or being at home and wondering why I wasn't in the hospital with him. The staff was wonderful. They would let me come in day or night and I couldn't sleep one night and I went in there and layed on the couch just so I was in the same room as him, that was probably the longest time that I was in there. Mom and Jeni had come with me to meet him and I am always glad that people even talked to him, friends and family. I would put him on the phone and have him meet like my sister or whoever and everyone loved him, at least that was the impression that I got. There was this one hospital room where there were two beds in it but he was the only patient in the room and I shared his dinner with him and sat and talked and talked and we even asked the nurse if I could sleep in the other bed since they weren't going to have anyone in the bed and I wish I could have just slept in the same bed with him. He would always do comforting things for me like patting my hair and singing to me. He did so much for me in the short time we got to know each other, but I wouldn't trade any memory for anything. I love that man more than words. I have gotten closer to some people I have dated, especially recently, but Hank and I had a special connection. Mom would go with me to the hospital when they would say that he didn't have much time left, and we would make the drive because I was afraid to make them on my own. We would stay for a while and we would leave with me not knowing if he was going to make it, and he kept fighting so hard I really thought he was going to make it. I don't blame myself anymore. Me leaving him in Lansing made him call a nurse to come in and get him checked up so that he could get the help that he needed, if he would have stayed at his house so many bad things could have happened. I did my best when I wasn't so paralyzed with depression, I would clean the floor with a carpet shampooer and have to change the soap and collection bin multiple times. I would wash his blankets and I tried to be the best housewife that I could be. On Thanksgiving, I made the whole meal, like the one mom made every year. I don't think I made apple pies though, I did make pumpkin! and I enjoyed it. We ate dinner around 1-2:30pm, just like at home, and after eating it was time so get a little frisky and then sleep. Next to my dad, Hank was the best man I have ever known. He had the biggest heart and the greatest sense of humor that I was always a step behind. I think about him a lot around this time of year. This is around when he started to get really sick. He had been in the nursing home that catered to the morbidly obese and I would visit him there, but he would either be there or at the hospital and after a while it was only at the hospital. Didn't know that I was going to go on a Hank rant today, but I am glad I did, because happy memories are coming through like I stayed at my parent's house for Christmas Eve and I got up because I was excited, just recently have I stopped getting my parents up for Christmas, but I also did it so that I could go back to my new home in Lansing. I remember getting early in the morning, and my mom had bought us some nice kitchen things that I left up there and I am still pissed  about it. Anyway I got home and gave him his stocking and his presents and he seemed happy. We only got to spend 1 year of holidays together, and he made me feel special about all of them. He bought mom flowers for mother's day and since I was visiting he sent me flowers, they were in a yellow smiley face mug and they were daisies, which are my favorite flowers and had a sweet card telling me to be happy. The other awesome time was around Christmas time and he bought me rainbow roses and the card said Happy Kwanza on it. Things like this I hope I remember for the rest of my life. To date he is the only man to buy me flowers. I love you Slore. I miss you everyday and hope you are with your Momma and happy.

The thing that sucks right now, I was seeing Eric and then he had to move to Seattle and we didn't talk while he was moving and when he did text me saying that he got there I blew up at him, I kind of baited him to ask, but I told him all of the things that were bothering me about our relationship and he said he would just leave me alone. Then I got a Facebook message from him begging me to forgive him and that we would find a way to make this all work and we were planning on moving into Fred's house, but then again shit got fucked up and he may be losing some benefits so he wouldn't be able to afford anything and he has broken my heart again. He doesn't understand that we both have invisible illnesses and with mine, I need to have people who can support me be around me and I need to be physically near people some of these times. He just says I won't compromise. I can't help that I am still ill and that I need help. If it wasn't for Mom, Jessame, and Face I don't know what would have happened to me. There are other strong women in my life but they are the most important ones. And I don't know if he noticed but it's hard to cry on someone's shoulder on the phone or give someone a hug on the phone. I love Eric, even with his past and his medical problems and all of his baggage, but I never felt important to him, in my eyes it seemed like that. I wish we could just stay in touch and just have him fly out for a weekend or something, but I think it would just hurt more in the end. So because of all of this shit, I am staying out of the dating pool for a while.

Well, there is five weeks left in the semester and I am pretty confident of getting a good grade. I wanted to do one class but instead I registered for two for next semester. I am hoping for Fall 2012 I can get into a ceramics class. I want to take art classes when I can, I love art, I just don't know how to do things, like I don't draw well so I would like to take a class to help me in that area too. So for fall I want to take 4 classes, and I feel ok with it because not all of the classes will involve books and stuff because books are fucking expensive. for next semester, two classes, $265 for books. I have to bring it up to my mom, I might just have to charge it because I don't really know what to do. I am a little nervous about having a class at center campus because I don't know how long it's going to take to get there and I am worried about how much gas it's going to cost.

I have been aware of what I am spending and trying to be better with the credit card situation. I saw a book lot on eBay for 8 books and the auction plus shipping was under $15. I couldn't pass it up and it was a series that I wanted to get into anyway so that was awesome, but even though I was keeping track of what I was spending, I went over my limit! So this month I bought Me's Christmas present and burnable DVDs, they were on sale for $25 and I saved $23 so I thought that was worth spending money on the card. I have to buy dad's beer. I planned on getting him 60 cans because he will be 60 this year. I thought it was a cute idea.

Since I am paying rent now, I am probably going to get food stamps, and that makes me happy that I will be able to contribute a little more as well. I thank my parents for all that they have done for me and I am glad that this will take some more worry off of their minds. I might end up trying to work sooner. I am still having the hygiene problems and some thought problems, but I am hopeful that things will get better for me soon.

Oh, and Breaking Dawn part 1 was interesting. I liked how they adapted some of the things in the book and was still able to me the correlation make sense. But being a bigger fan of the books there are parts that could have been done better, but the aspect of how the pack mind worked and about how Bella was paralyzed basically when the venom was burning her body on the inside I think was done very well. And I would just like to point out that I called it where they were going to stop part 1. I am just hoping that the last part is awesome, because the last book of the last book is my favorite so I hope Hollywood doesn't fuck it up.

Gotta get going. I want to do something today, I don't know what, but I should figure out something. I got up later today, I forgot to set my alarms and being out so late because of the movie kept me up a little later as well. Well Bloggie, until next time...

why can't I get better?

It always feels like I am taking a step forward and then two back.In a way I feel like I asked for all of this. I was sad when I was younger and my brother got sick just like I did, and he got a lot of attention and I thought it would be, I guess the right word is cool...But after going through everything that has happened to me, I wish I never would have made a foolish wish.

I live at home with my parents and I am 27 years old and all I wonder is if I will ever be able to live on my own. It all feels so hopeless because my mom asked me to help wash the dishes for her so she can make dinner and I am almost in tears because of it. I hate feeling so paralyzed by everything. I can't always pull myself up and get where I need to be. I don't even know if I can take a shower today. The closest thing that I have been able to come to that lately is taking a bath, but even in that I can't wash, I just try and relax.

I feel so bad because this isn't easy. I was doing so well until the season change. It just took everything out of me. I'm taking my meds and I don't know what else I can do.

I wanted to take a few more classes next semester, but I don't even know if I can handle it. I signed up for one, but it's scaring me because eventually I am going to have to take classes full time. I was thinking of taking a pottery class, just because it interested me...I don't know what to do, I don't know what the real answer is what I should be doing.

Maybe I just don't push myself hard enough. I had so many positive things in my head before but now I don't really know what to do because everything seems so bleak.

It's weird how you can know things, like I know I should take a shower, brush my teeth, go for a walk, things that recently I have been trying to do every day. It's just so hard for me to even leave my room.

It's even been hard to sleep normal hours, I have been going to sleep at about 6pm-9pm and staying in bed until I can't take it anymore.

It's like I don't have any will anymore. I am having the hardest time coming back from this one. I'm not suicidal, to that I am thankful about. If I were and I did something then I think that would kill my family. I really hope it doesn't happen because I really don't want to go to the hospital again.

Do I just have to try harder? What am I doing wrong? I was doing well for months and I can't do anything really. I just exist. That's it.

I just want to crawl into a hole and forget the world exists.

I don't know how to make this better anymore.

I keep running over past mistakes in my head. Something I have never been able to stop while I am depressed like this.

I just want to sleep...escape this because it's so hard to live like this. At times like this I would I would never have called Bruce and that I could have been left to die, but my parents would have found me and that's what makes me wish it didn't happen.

I had the best dream

I bought my brother's house. It actually made me happy. When I woke up I did what I usually did and thought how can I make this work...I have always thought that would be a great place for me to live because the neighborhood is nice enough and the house is just the right size for me. I don't see myself having any kids or anything and I need a place of my own because I don't plan on living in my parent's house forever. I used to think that, but now I have other ideas in mind. I think that eventually I will get better and I do want to live on my own. I am scared out of my mind about it. I keep thinking that I will fail and I hate failing and in the past that has made me not try. Things are different now. I am determined to get better and I know that things will help like school has recently. I think that I might be able to buy my brother's house in a couple years. It's not going anywhere and its so cute and awesome. I just need the money to get it, or rather the right credit to get a loan for it. I hope it won't be very difficult, and my credit is pretty good as of now. The dream was of me moving into the house and Fred visiting me and checking to see that everything was alright in the house and when it was he helped himself to some food and sat in the recliner that I don't have. It was a little odd, but it made me feel awesome when I actually got out of bed. I hope the dream comes true. It would keep me close to my mom and Jess and that's what is most important to me. It is easy to get on I-94 and go to mom's or I-94 to I-696 to get to Jess's house. I was even figuring out a budget. I guess if I end up staying in this program I will do alright for money from what Krysta was saying about salary from working as a COTA. I would even be able to save some money and be able to pay for car insurance. I wish cars lasted forever, I don't know what I am going to do because my car is only going to last for so long. If I end up staying in this field I would be able to get a car with the money I would make. Lets just hope I can make it through the program.

I am starting to doubt the program. I don't know if it's nerves or if I am scared, but I am not going to have an advantage because most everyone is going to not be working because they strongly suggest that with going into this program. It's something that I want but I don't know. It's probably me just being scared. I have a year or so to make up my mind. I am going to do what my case manager suggested and only take the one class next semester so that I don't overwhelm myself. I just wonder because if I stay in this program I have to work up to more classes so that means I will be in school longer. I'm really scared that I won't be able to handle work when I have to go back to it. I haven't been working in like 5 years and it will be almost 10 by the time I get out of school. An entire decade without working. Mom told me not to over think about all of the and not obsess. It's hard not to. It's hard to get out of bed some days and I worry that I will get fired because I can't get out of bed. I know, putting the cart before the horse, but what do I do? I don't want to fail and I just want to be a good person, but what scares me the most is there are days I just don't want to do anything and it has nothing to do with depression, I just don't want to do anything. Those days I usually just called in and I am an adult now, I just worry that I would fall into bad habits. Maybe I just have to do the affirmations that may help. There are so many positives about working and I guess I just have to keep them all in mind. The longest job that I have ever held down was a year and a half or two years, I don't remember at this point. I have friends that have been working for a decade. I just gave up with working a lot of time, I would do my best but it was like I got bored with what I was doing and I just didn't want to try anymore. So I would quit, and then I wouldn't get a job for months or a year or something. I was afraid of interviews and failing. I am a bad at interviewing. This is why I want to be sure of what I want to do with my life because maybe then I won't be scared or it will be easy for me to go to work and I won't have so many problems with going anymore. I have to be careful with who I talk to because I seem to have problems with talking to people at work because I either hate them or get too close and it always has problems. OK not I am obsessing.

I am so freaked.

One day I will figure all this stuff out. Hopefully I can buy Fred's house one day and I will get an awesome job somewhere.

Today I just have to worry about showering, going to the doctor's office, do my homework, and try my hardest to get better.

I was hoping I was getting better.

I'm sitting here, listening to music and wondering what happened. I have been sad for so long that when I was happy I didn't even know what to do. I have been having such a hard time I have been falling back onto bad habits. I am glad that not a lot of people know about this so I can say what I want and not feel self conscious about it. I talked to my case manager today and we figured out that I have seasonal depression and I have no idea what to do about it. I was in there almost an hour and I couldn't think of one thing to make it any better. So many things have fallen off with me. I can't seem to keep anything straight or clean and my hygiene is even suffering. I hate that. I was doing so well that I can't help but think of this as a disappointment, but when I try to talk to people about it all they can say is that I was doing well and I will get there again. I have to experience this all though. I have to experience my disappointments and feel what I need to feel about them. I'm listening to the same songs over and over again. There is something comforting about all of that. I have no clue why. I am so worried about school because I am almost falling behind. There are things I haven't even done yet and depression is only so much to blame. I don't know what to do. I seem to always be at a loss of what I should do, it's so frustrating not having any idea on how to fix myself. I always feel so broken on the inside and have no idea how to put myself back together again. I am so emotional. I have been taking my meds and thats usually where the problems stem from but I have been on them so I don't think it could be that. I usually have problems not taking anything but I did this time, unlike other falls in the past. This seems to happen to me every year or so around the same time. I haven't even done my homework for the week. I am so behind. I just need to go to sleep or something. try to write again soon. I forget this exists most of the time...

*sigh* school tomorrow

with everything that has been happening lately, i have just been so upset i don't know where to turn so i am trying to sit back and relax and try not to let it bother me. i know that things are going to be hard so i am going to take my meds and hope i can relax enough to sleep so i can get up and go tomorrow. i have so much on my mind and i can't piece it together. i am

i think i just need my bed. a couple =3 and im passing out.

things are finally getting better

its been years of torment and heartache, but i think i am finally finding myself again. i have been through more than i think i would even like to admit. i have finally found out that i feel good for the many setbacks that i have had, because that has made me the woman that i have become. i wouldn't have it any other way. i worry about backsliding because of what could happen if that happens, but i think that i need to live my life and in the words of jessica, make that flying leap. i have finally started my life, im 27, but some people dont get to start their life until way later, so i do feel blessed. some things still confuse me because of my illness some things never really make sense to me, and at times i feel like im being questioned for my beliefs and feelings...but i have to understand that people are going to feel the way that they do and that i am allowed to feel how i do because of this country that we live in. it has been a long battle and i finally feel like i am winning the war instead of being a bystander. life is hard for everyone but i think that i took that to literally, and that a lot of my problems came from the fact that i thought i couldn't do anything because life is so hard, but i am in college, starting to work on all of the things that were hard for me for so many years, and that i am realizing that IT DOES GET BETTER. i never thought i would utter those words. its invigorating and freeing. i was stuck under my illness for so long that i thought that it ran my life and for a long while i let it. so many things had happened to me that i saw those as failures instead of badges of honor. i survived trying to commit suicide, i survived losing the man that i loved, and losing one of my best friends, my Grams....That may have been the hardest. she was my world for so many years, i felt like she understood me in a way that not many other people did. she was my escape and refuge and losing her was one of the things i never thought i would be able to bear, but Grams, you have become a badge as well, a badge of pride and wonder, with all that you went through in your life and all the pitfalls and you kept getting back up and going forward i hope that i will exhibit that strength and as my mother says, "the women in this family have a core of steel, and you will find yours." i think you are right mom, i think that it may be a little bit of aluminum right now, but i will get there, with all of the help of my friends and family i am finally getting to where i need to be. the confusion is abating and i am finally getting the point of my life...TO LIVE!!! i was in the dark and worrying and wondering if i would ever get better, that i didn't realize that i could get better if i tried hard enough. momma said there would be days like this, days like this my momma said. and she was right, there will be days where i am fine and complete and there will be days where im gonna need someone to tell me that it's going to be ok.

i used to live in fear of opening my mouth kinda like Jenie and that makes me sad to think about. i may have had things confused of where to go next in my life but i think that going to school and getting bills paid down and finding my happiness will help me so much in the long run. there are things i wish that could be different, sure, but if i can't change them, then i am going to try like hell not to get worked up over it because it won't solve anything in the long run. i have goals for once in a long time and i feel like i am back where i started 10 years ago. i was a senior in high school and i was alone having no boyfriend to lean on and no friends to really lean on and at the time i didn't know i could lean on myself. its always good to have friends to turn to, but i didn't really know myself until recently and when i dropped out i think i lost a part of myself because i would have the "graduating" nightmares and i would wake up and realize that it never happened and that bothered me more than anything. but i didn't think hey, go to college and make up for it, all i kept thinking was i was a loser and nothing was ever going to get better. i am someone who needs the reassurances that i am doing alright. i should be able to do things on my own and i think that since i have had so many problems i think i just need to take it one step at a time.

i found a man that i care for in a way that i didn't know i could feel for before. he is moving across the country and i feel like following him where he goes, i'm just afraid to take that leap.

i am happy in a way that we don't mourn forever. god i will always miss hank and grams, but i don't think that they would want me sad every day for the rest of my life because i miss them. there will always be places in my heart for them and in a way part of me died along with them when they left me to deal with life on my own. i worry that when my mom dies i will find myself lost again. my mom is most of my world. what is that quote from the crow? Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. that's how i feel. mother is synonymous with god as well as where i should go in life, because who wants the most for you in life and want you to do well, that would be your mom. your best friend and the one who would open on her veins and bleed for you.

i want to accomplish many things and i hope that i can do maybe one or two, because i realized that if i put too much on myself it leaves me thinking that i will not be able to do it. i need to do things in my own time and thats fine for me. i hope that one day i will do great things and that i will touch people's lives in a way that i will be remembered because isn't that what's important?

it's been 3 1/2 years for hank and 2 1/2 for grams, and i miss them every day. its weird how people affect your life. i will miss hank forever mostly because i will never know what would have happened. would we have gotten married? had kids? stayed in love? i will never know. sometimes i day dream that things would have been different and he would have lost a little more weight and gotten to a rehab facility where he would have learned to walk again and he would have made the best of the rest of his life, but then i think about it all from the other side of it. maybe we came into each others lives to affect each other and to learn from each other. my life is forever changed for knowing him. i don't think i have ever met anyone with a bigger heart. he did for people, not because he had to, but because he cared. he is forever with me like his name on the top of my foot is.

i am trying to learn balance as well. i never really got that concept before. but things come as they will so i just have to be careful.

my eyes water a lot. i think that's because i get emotional about a lot of things. and i used to see that as a bad thing, but if something moves me in that way, i should be happy, not upset because it shows I'M ALIVE!

i should get going, i have uncle joebee's birthday to go to soon and i have to figure out what i am doing for the rest of the day.

i love the guy, i want to follow him. i want my life to go forward, i want to find happiness, and i am so happy with him. but moving away from everything else that i love and living far enough away that i won't be able to drive home and see my mom, my bestie, my family, my friends, i am just so scared. something like this wouldn't happen for at least 6 months, but i know there is the internet! and there is skype and e-mail, it's not all the time face to face stuff, but i would be able to at least keep in touch. and it might not be a bad thing. i mean i could get a lot out of it, and me i have to plan it all and think through everything that i possibly can. i haven't even brought this up to most people because i don't know if i can even do it. this guy drives me crazy and makes me incredibly happy. so i guess time will tell with what i will be able to do. at the moment i want to go and be on a plane, but i really have to think this one through. i want a family and happiness with the person i am with and i think he is the one i am supposed to be with. he gets me, and to quote my favorite chick flick "there is no greater feeling than to be gotten"

the thing that makes me sad about the possibility of moving is what if we work out so well and i like it out there and stay there. all of mom's kids would be in other states and i think that if we liked it out there we would end up starting a family and i think that might be a problem with me. michigan is my home, i love this state so much that i would miss it being billions of miles away. but at the same time Me told me, "NEVER give up a chance to be truly happy" and i feel normal with this guy, not crazy or ranting or evil or anything, i feel like myself and it all feels easy. it doesn't feel like i have to put on a show for him or anything, it all feels like it's supposed to be. i just don't want to miss out if he's the person that is my other half and i don't want to beat this to death with my friends so i have been trying to work it out in my head, but in situations like this i tend to look at it as glass half full type of thing. and when you have to look at things from all angles to figure out where you want to go, i just have problems getting there. i want to say that things will be happy and shiny and that everything will be alright, but in truth i don't know that for a fact. he's a good man i think. he treats me well, he loves me for me, and that's all i have ever wanted. other than the gotten part. thats all i have ever really wanted, so i want to do this, but it's so scary that i might not be able to do it and then i don't know where to go. he makes me want to be better. he makes me think that together we could accomplish great things. but i have been wrong before, and we haven't known each other that long, god do you see where i am going with all of this? it's fucking confusing where to go and to realize that i would be giving up a lot to follow a dream. with me it feels like i always have to explain everything and that i have to find out right away. the reality is that he asked me to come with him a couple days ago and i'm almost thinking that i have to figure it out now, i don't. i need to see if this can even last when we aren't 60 miles away from each other...but again, i love him. where do i turn? do i go? would he come back if i asked him? or would he want to stay there forever?

i'm also afraid of the cancer part. stage 4 cancer. good chance that if i went out there i would have to watch someone slowly waste away. that's also a lot to put on a person.

i had a new idea for a tattoo. i want to find the perfect one, but i want to get a heart on my arm, because i wear my heart on my sleeve. looked on google and didn't find one i liked :(

i have to get going, mom is going to pick me up soon. later blogger

i donno

i need to rant again. i feel so weird today its bumming me out. i dont understand why i feel this way, but there isn't much i can do about it so i am just going to have to find something to keep me busy i guess.

im stressing out about money again. i dont know how i am going to make anything work. there is always something coming up and i feel like i am never getting anywhere with it. just when i think i can start saving again something fucks it up and i end up just having to use it all. i feel like from these mistakes i have screwed myself because i am so far behind. i don't want to end up in the hospital again but i don't know how to fix this. i keep trying but some days its completely overwhelms me.

i have to get all of my pictures off of myspace before that goes under and i lose everything.

i keep saying i am going to get better and do more things, but i end up not...im so scared i am going to look back on my life one day and think that i could have done better.

i hate everything today. up is down, left is right, nothing is where it should be. i just wish i understood myself better so i could divert myself when things like this come up and i am at a loss with what to do with myself.

i am seeing more and more people getting married and having kids, i feel bad sometimes i am not at a better place in my life, but i am trying to stay away from that. who is to say that my life wouldn't be worse with whoever i was with and whatever situation it might have been. if i get there i do, marriage is hard even when its right, kids are hard all the time. but i don't know if its even right for me, only time will tell.

ever get the feeling of foreboding ? did i use that correctly? i feel like when i woke up this morning a dark cloud started to settle over my shoulders. it's eerie.

i feel like doogie howser. lol

a hoodie on in the basement and wanting to be in a bathing suit outside. i wish i was smaller and could wear a bikini.

i need to call someone or something. i need to just stop thinking because i am just being a crazy person and i hate that. blah.

*sigh*

things have been getting better for me, but today i woke up with this feeling that something horrible is going to happen. i hate feeling like that.

i have felt lately like i have been doing things wrong. i have been messing up on my meds and i haven't been able to take them at the right times so it has been messing with me and making me feel weird. i keep feeling like people are mad at me, i can't really help it. i am trying to be better its just messed up right now.

i keep thinking im gonna fuck up this relationship with this guy. i have a lot of fun with him and we are taking it slow, but my craziness has to show up eventually and thats what i am worried about. i dont have many people to talk about stuff like this so it sucks because i really dont have feedback for anything unless i talk to Jessica or something, but i am still being weird about everything. i hate when i fuck up meds because that just screws everything up. i missed a doctors appointment so i dont even have all the meds i need. blah.

i am trying so hard to cut back smoking and somehow that makes me smoke more. i am sick of always having to go outside. its too fucking expensive. i just need to not do it anymore, its just such a hard thing, and then the worrying about cancer and everything else it just sucks. i want to be smoke free by the time im 30 just like Jess said, i just dont know if its going to be possible. i should have more confidence, i hope that it will get better and that i will be like no more and be able to actually do it.

i have been trying to talk to my friends lately and most of them have been ignoring me and making me sad because i am the one who calls. i have to be the one to make the first move every time. it gets very frustrating that i have to be the one to make sure we talk. doesn't that suck? i think so. blog you are so understanding ;p at least when i vent to you you don't bitch back ;p

i haven't went over on my damn data package yet. i have been crazy worried because of how much i am on my damn phone. i would really not like another $200 phone bill anymore.

i hate days like this because i feel like shit and not like me. its like someone else is wearing my skin. creepy huh? i wish more than anything that i never had mental illness. it has ruined so many things in my life. relationships and friendships and i have hurt so many people because of things that have happened while i wasn't myself. i wonder why this shit even exists. i shouldn't want to die ever, but that has happened more times than i could count. i hate it. i wish there was one pill that would take it all away, just take it once and you will be fine after. i get so frustrated because of everything that happens and i dont know how to fix it and when i feel like im feeling now that just puts me in a bad mood. i hope it will get better as the day goes on, but i dont know.

everyone who said they were gonna quit smoking is still smoking, its going to be so hard for me to quit since i am such a junkie.

i need to lose weight. i barely eat as it is and i think thats one of my major problems. last night i had i think 3 cheese sticks and about 15 fries and thats all i had to eat yesterday and i think i am getting malnourished. its so hard to eat now. i don't like anything i eat. after having xanax yesterday it was very hard to eat, and i really wanted the fries but they didn't even taste the same after a while. i want to drink like shakes or something to help me get vitamins and such because i am not eating correctly and i can't help it. its so hard to go out with anyone because no one wants fast food and thats pretty much what i can eat. my mom hates fast food and is constantly going out to eat and if i am hungry i try to go but i end up eating bread and its a very depressing situation. what the fuck is the matter with me?!?!? stuff like this makes me want to give up. its just so hard to function like everyone else does. but i think i wear my mask well...except when i have to run out of restraunts and smoke and calm down then i look a little stupid.

i am so pissed with myself. there are Juliet Marillier books i STILL haven't read yet and its making me mad. i wish i could get through the dark mirror. i just can't get into it. i really want to finish all the books i haven't been able to get into so maybe i will tackle a book or two today.

Fred is going to Afghanistan year and i am scared out of my mind. i am hoping that his unit gets called to do something else, if not i am going to be fucked up for a year wondering if my brother is going to be pulled off a plane in a casket. i hate this war. so many people we have lost and so many familys messed up because of all of this. i am glad Julie and Chris are in the navy and have the jobs they do have and that i don't have to worry so much about them. Even with Fred working in the type of job he has there is always risk. I hope the president pulls more troops and he doesn't even have to go. We still have a few months so he might not even go, but as of now he is definately going. *sad face*

my mom is acting weird. i hate when she gets into weird moods.

i was thinking about the "book" i was writing a few days ago. i wish i was better at character history. i have the ideas in my head but i can't put it down on paper. people always discourage me when it comes to writing because its so hard to get into. i wish i could just write all day. fuck that i wish i could paint all day. or both. i haven't painted in years and it takes so much for the start up its almost not worth it because it would take me too long to get all the shit again.

i think im getting sad. i dont know yet, the mood is so weird i dont know where it's going.

i'm going to another concert this week. i already went to sublime and 311. it was fun until we had to move. i was fine but Jess had to move and i had anxiety for the rest of the night. it sucked, but i was talking to Jess and I don't know where is going to be safe for Slayer. It kinda scares me because they are kinda scary. lol. It should be fun if its not a million degrees.

its so cold in the basement i have to wear a hoodie and then i go outside and melt. fuck this heat...im not going to be saying that in december, but that's neither here nor there.

;p

i'm gonna go listen to more hippy music and hopefully relax and not be a psycho today.

ahh

i feel so sad lately. i have been single going on a year now and the only guys i have talked to are idiots and i haven't even dated since mike except brandi, but that didn't last long. i have been crying for a couple days. i know part of it is that i miss the girls but there isn't anything i can do about where they live, it just sucks i got to see them every day and now they are gone. i think my friends are sick of my bitching about everything, but you never complain blog ;p i wanted a family since i was a girl and i just feel like its never going to happen. i thought i finally was on the right med combination and i almost ended up back in the hospital. i feel better since my surgery. i have a better outlook on things, i want to get in shape and i have been watching what i have been eating as well. after i fully heal from my surgery its back to the gym for me. i want to do things for myself but i always saw myself brushing my little girl's hair sitting on my lap and being blissfully happy and i see people i went to school with and their happy familys and it makes me want to kill myself....i swear facebook is going to lead to my suicide. i had a life planned out that i never got to enjoy, i was supposed to marry my high school sweetheart and have kids and go to college and be a mom and i am getting older and i dont even know if i will be able to have one kid let alone more. its just so sad that the life i wanted isn't one i got. i am glad i didn't stay with my high school boyfriend but there are others i wish i would have kept. they weren't even perfect, but at this point it's better than being alone. its weird this shit doesn't hit me all of the time. sometimes i am very content not having to answer to anyone about anything and stuff, but the cuddling and the feeling like youre loved by more than just your mom. i envy my sister in law, she found my smelly brother and had her kids already, when they get older she will be young enough to still do something with her life, i feel like i fucked up and i dont get that chance. i feel like i am being left behind. i am going to try my damnedest to get to school this year but things always get in the way so im not sure, but even with that choice if i ended up having kids id be fucked by the time they got older because i would be so far behind. im sitting here in my parents basement going over all of my mistakes, missing exboyfriends, missing friends i never even really liked. basically feeling sorry for myself even though i am trying not to. i want to be with someone who will watch the chick flicks with me and give me tissues and calm me down with my freak outs and at this point i am feeling selfish about the whole thing. i shouldn't see anyone because i always feel like i am misleading people. i even put on my dating site profile that im messed up, in so many words, saves time from having to explain that later on, i still get people who message me but never anyone i am really interested in. it sucks, i don't really know where to meet people because of not being able to work and i feel like thats the only way im ever going to meet people. i need to get better so i can get a job and be around people again. i really hope i do get to school this year. i want to meet people and have a life again. i am so afraid of school when i went in lansing i didn't even do well and those classes didn't even have homework so i am really scared of whats going to happen., i have all these things in my head going off all of the time and i don't really have anyone to talk to about them and it makes me feel bad that i never know whats going on and that my illness prevents me from doing so much. i'm just listening to cannon in s over and over again. it helps me focus to listen to instrumentals when i am trying to do things like this, but i don't know many classical songs so it usually gets left up to this one. all i want is to walk down the isle with this song on. i think about getting married a lot. i was set with hank and had problems and then he died, i was set with mike but he didn't feel the same way. mom told me i should wash my hair because hank would want it that way because he used to like to pet my hair. i love him so much i think thats been the other hard part of dating. people don't always understand the tattoo or what it feels like to love someone so much and to have them die on you. i think about what i have lost everyday. if things would have been different i would be a missus right now. i might even have kids. kinda makes me happy no one is really presuing me online. i think that it's better that i am single right now, but not :( i am constantly confused. i am sick so i don't really want to subject anyone to my madness but at the same time i crave that feeling of being with someone.

on other notes i did pick up an iphone today. the $49 for it was too good to pass up. my old phone was having a hard time keeping a charge and wasn't really connecting to the charger anymore so i needed to get a new one anyway.

it's been bothering me how upset i have been getting so i am trying to keep it together until i see my psychiatrist and do the best that i can with trying to stay normal. i really want to watch sctardust tonight because it will make me happy and cry and im so glad mike showed it to me because its one of the perfect love stories and even though i can't get it in my own life its nice to watch it and have that wonderful fantasy take you away where you believe that someone would travel to another world just to bring you a fallen star.

where is my prince? where is my happy ending?

bummin

it's so hard having both anniversaries within a week of each other. i miss hank and get very sad, and then i miss grams and its heartbreak all over again. i have been upset, and i am trying to do things to make me happy. i got a new sims game and i was playing that to get my mind off of things. i should really go to sleep soon. i hope i don't miss my psych appointment today. everything has been stressing me out. i think my showering problems and hygiene has to do with hank. i dont want to explain it really just a feeling that i have. i want to ask my doctor about prescribing me a different medication to help me sleep because the one that i am on isn't really working. i should go eat something and then go pass out. mcdonalds breakfast? who knows?