I had the best dream

I bought my brother's house. It actually made me happy. When I woke up I did what I usually did and thought how can I make this work...I have always thought that would be a great place for me to live because the neighborhood is nice enough and the house is just the right size for me. I don't see myself having any kids or anything and I need a place of my own because I don't plan on living in my parent's house forever. I used to think that, but now I have other ideas in mind. I think that eventually I will get better and I do want to live on my own. I am scared out of my mind about it. I keep thinking that I will fail and I hate failing and in the past that has made me not try. Things are different now. I am determined to get better and I know that things will help like school has recently. I think that I might be able to buy my brother's house in a couple years. It's not going anywhere and its so cute and awesome. I just need the money to get it, or rather the right credit to get a loan for it. I hope it won't be very difficult, and my credit is pretty good as of now. The dream was of me moving into the house and Fred visiting me and checking to see that everything was alright in the house and when it was he helped himself to some food and sat in the recliner that I don't have. It was a little odd, but it made me feel awesome when I actually got out of bed. I hope the dream comes true. It would keep me close to my mom and Jess and that's what is most important to me. It is easy to get on I-94 and go to mom's or I-94 to I-696 to get to Jess's house. I was even figuring out a budget. I guess if I end up staying in this program I will do alright for money from what Krysta was saying about salary from working as a COTA. I would even be able to save some money and be able to pay for car insurance. I wish cars lasted forever, I don't know what I am going to do because my car is only going to last for so long. If I end up staying in this field I would be able to get a car with the money I would make. Lets just hope I can make it through the program.

I am starting to doubt the program. I don't know if it's nerves or if I am scared, but I am not going to have an advantage because most everyone is going to not be working because they strongly suggest that with going into this program. It's something that I want but I don't know. It's probably me just being scared. I have a year or so to make up my mind. I am going to do what my case manager suggested and only take the one class next semester so that I don't overwhelm myself. I just wonder because if I stay in this program I have to work up to more classes so that means I will be in school longer. I'm really scared that I won't be able to handle work when I have to go back to it. I haven't been working in like 5 years and it will be almost 10 by the time I get out of school. An entire decade without working. Mom told me not to over think about all of the and not obsess. It's hard not to. It's hard to get out of bed some days and I worry that I will get fired because I can't get out of bed. I know, putting the cart before the horse, but what do I do? I don't want to fail and I just want to be a good person, but what scares me the most is there are days I just don't want to do anything and it has nothing to do with depression, I just don't want to do anything. Those days I usually just called in and I am an adult now, I just worry that I would fall into bad habits. Maybe I just have to do the affirmations that may help. There are so many positives about working and I guess I just have to keep them all in mind. The longest job that I have ever held down was a year and a half or two years, I don't remember at this point. I have friends that have been working for a decade. I just gave up with working a lot of time, I would do my best but it was like I got bored with what I was doing and I just didn't want to try anymore. So I would quit, and then I wouldn't get a job for months or a year or something. I was afraid of interviews and failing. I am a bad at interviewing. This is why I want to be sure of what I want to do with my life because maybe then I won't be scared or it will be easy for me to go to work and I won't have so many problems with going anymore. I have to be careful with who I talk to because I seem to have problems with talking to people at work because I either hate them or get too close and it always has problems. OK not I am obsessing.

I am so freaked.

One day I will figure all this stuff out. Hopefully I can buy Fred's house one day and I will get an awesome job somewhere.

Today I just have to worry about showering, going to the doctor's office, do my homework, and try my hardest to get better.