why can't I get better?

It always feels like I am taking a step forward and then two back.In a way I feel like I asked for all of this. I was sad when I was younger and my brother got sick just like I did, and he got a lot of attention and I thought it would be, I guess the right word is cool...But after going through everything that has happened to me, I wish I never would have made a foolish wish.

I live at home with my parents and I am 27 years old and all I wonder is if I will ever be able to live on my own. It all feels so hopeless because my mom asked me to help wash the dishes for her so she can make dinner and I am almost in tears because of it. I hate feeling so paralyzed by everything. I can't always pull myself up and get where I need to be. I don't even know if I can take a shower today. The closest thing that I have been able to come to that lately is taking a bath, but even in that I can't wash, I just try and relax.

I feel so bad because this isn't easy. I was doing so well until the season change. It just took everything out of me. I'm taking my meds and I don't know what else I can do.

I wanted to take a few more classes next semester, but I don't even know if I can handle it. I signed up for one, but it's scaring me because eventually I am going to have to take classes full time. I was thinking of taking a pottery class, just because it interested me...I don't know what to do, I don't know what the real answer is what I should be doing.

Maybe I just don't push myself hard enough. I had so many positive things in my head before but now I don't really know what to do because everything seems so bleak.

It's weird how you can know things, like I know I should take a shower, brush my teeth, go for a walk, things that recently I have been trying to do every day. It's just so hard for me to even leave my room.

It's even been hard to sleep normal hours, I have been going to sleep at about 6pm-9pm and staying in bed until I can't take it anymore.

It's like I don't have any will anymore. I am having the hardest time coming back from this one. I'm not suicidal, to that I am thankful about. If I were and I did something then I think that would kill my family. I really hope it doesn't happen because I really don't want to go to the hospital again.

Do I just have to try harder? What am I doing wrong? I was doing well for months and I can't do anything really. I just exist. That's it.

I just want to crawl into a hole and forget the world exists.

I don't know how to make this better anymore.

I keep running over past mistakes in my head. Something I have never been able to stop while I am depressed like this.

I just want to sleep...escape this because it's so hard to live like this. At times like this I would I would never have called Bruce and that I could have been left to die, but my parents would have found me and that's what makes me wish it didn't happen.