Surreal

It's so hard to look at mom. I keep thinking about how we all could have lost her. I thank God that my mom didn't die 5 years ago when she had her first heart attack, or this past week with her second and possibly third. She is the most important person in my life. She is my best friend. I know that one day I am going to have to bury my mom, I just thank God that it didn't happen last week. Especially since dad turned 60 on Sunday. I know that he doesn't care about birthdays, but losing mom I think would have hurt him horribly. I am not ready to live without my mom. Hell, I miss her when she is sleeping :(

It is a week today that I stopped smoking. Slightly after Mom's angioplasty I smoked the last cigarette in my pack and didn't buy any more after that. Mom seems to be doing alright as well, I am worried that she is going to go back to it. That's why I am happy I stopped to, I hope that she will lean on me when it gets too hard for her. I don't want her to go back to it and I hope I can help het so that she doesn't go back to it.

Stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped smoking weed. Take my meds every day and try to do my best. I try to pick myself back up when I fall and I am trying to do what is best for me. I am single and for the first time in my life, it doesn't bother me. I think that I am finally getting my life together. I am scared of falling, but like my closest have said to me, what's life but getting back up from your failures? Life is all about failing and getting back up and trying again. I have gotten back up. It took me 10 years to get back up from my illness and feel like I am finally living again. I am so scared of screwing up, but I think a lot of people feel that way and they get through it so I think I will find a way to do so as well.

Finally, life is worth living again.