So much to do

I am still up at 4:30am and I need to get to bed so that I can do all of the things that I planned since I was out of commission for a week due to being sick. I am still sick, just not as bad. Last night I went to urgent care and the doctor prescribed cough syrup with codeine, 12 hour sinus pills, amoxicillin, and motrin. I didn't get the motrin but after taking the rest I got comfortable and hoped for an easy night. After finding out about my mom, and finding out about my sister's misfortune I wasn't in the mood to be awake, but my body had other ideas. I was told to increase my fluids, but every time I would swallow it felt like I was swallowing knives. It hurt so bad I was sniffling all night. The pain didn't go away until the morning and I didn't wake up until almost 8pm. I have set alarms so I hope to be awake to finish all of the things that I planned on doing.

I feel bad about mom. Maybe she would have come to me if I was having a hard time not smoking. I honestly think about it once or twice a day but not craving, just thinking. I am so disappointed in her for not saying anything and going back to it without talking to us about it. I wish she would let me be there for her and talk to me! I am afraid that I am going to lose her. The procedure that she has to have done is worrying her because it's one Grams had to get and it's on both sides of her neck, but it's important to live so I don't even see a choice. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I don't think I should ever try to be. I would have to go off of medication and might become erratic or have serious problems. I almost wish I could have a surrogate, but that is insanely expensive and no one is going to let me adopt with past suicide attempts. I always go back and forth on the kid issue but now that I am single I don't have to worry about it but I also think that I should stick to this idea because I think that it would he in everyone's best interest.

Ok, now I think I am going to wander around post secret before I go to bed. Hope I get most things accomplished when I wake up.