i donno

i need to rant again. i feel so weird today its bumming me out. i dont understand why i feel this way, but there isn't much i can do about it so i am just going to have to find something to keep me busy i guess.

im stressing out about money again. i dont know how i am going to make anything work. there is always something coming up and i feel like i am never getting anywhere with it. just when i think i can start saving again something fucks it up and i end up just having to use it all. i feel like from these mistakes i have screwed myself because i am so far behind. i don't want to end up in the hospital again but i don't know how to fix this. i keep trying but some days its completely overwhelms me.

i have to get all of my pictures off of myspace before that goes under and i lose everything.

i keep saying i am going to get better and do more things, but i end up not...im so scared i am going to look back on my life one day and think that i could have done better.

i hate everything today. up is down, left is right, nothing is where it should be. i just wish i understood myself better so i could divert myself when things like this come up and i am at a loss with what to do with myself.

i am seeing more and more people getting married and having kids, i feel bad sometimes i am not at a better place in my life, but i am trying to stay away from that. who is to say that my life wouldn't be worse with whoever i was with and whatever situation it might have been. if i get there i do, marriage is hard even when its right, kids are hard all the time. but i don't know if its even right for me, only time will tell.

ever get the feeling of foreboding ? did i use that correctly? i feel like when i woke up this morning a dark cloud started to settle over my shoulders. it's eerie.

i feel like doogie howser. lol

a hoodie on in the basement and wanting to be in a bathing suit outside. i wish i was smaller and could wear a bikini.

i need to call someone or something. i need to just stop thinking because i am just being a crazy person and i hate that. blah.