Sometimes...

Sometimes it takes the strength of thousands to not swallow every, last pill.

What do I do?

How do I get past thing like today. It was (and a little still is) hard to see normalcy. Every thought was sadness or a real/what seemed real failure. It's just such a focus on what I haven't done and how I feel I shoul be somewhere else. Everything takes time. I am so scared that I am wasting mine and I try to do everything that I can because essentially I have no idea how much time I have on this planet...but days like this it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough. I am scared to start new things and anxiety creeps up with the more people that I am around and sometimes that includes the people closest to me. I want to be better but I'm scares every day of my life that I am going to fall. What I want in this minute is to just live in some apartment somewhere, have the stuff that I do, except the speakers, would have to get my own of those...I think that I would be happy. I am getting so insular that I don't feel like I have to be around someone all the time to be ok. When I was deep in my depression/anxiety/nervous breakdown I needed to be by someone at all times and some of the reason is so that I wouldn't be alone...I have this fear of in the physical sense dying alone, so I never wanted to be alone. I figured with my track record of hospital visits and my suicide attempt I never expected to live a long life, so I wanted someone to be by me so that I wouldn't be alone when I died...but everyone dies alone. Even if I have everyone I love around me, it's me taking that journey...I hope that one day this shit will get easier but I have a lot of work that I have to do. I am so afraid that I am not going to accomplish anything in my life. It doesn't really matter in the long run. I want to try to be a good person. It's hard to do. I don't like bitching and being a bitch. I wish that I was comfortable enough to just be nice and not worry what everyone was thinking. To truly not care what other people thought and to he able to just be myself would be an accomplishment that at this point I still haven't been able to master. I feel so much stress and it's so hard to sleep and there is a lot about my life that I am unhappy about and I don't even know how to change some of it. I think all the time and even relaxing I'm always thinking about something. I have tried taking deep breaths to help with how I think and trying to relax. I don't want to look back and regret my life. I hope what I think is important is worth it in the long run.

Breathe 1 2...


But sometimes I just wish it was over. I get to the point that I just don't want to fight it anymore. That's where I am today. I just want to give up. So much is piling up on me that I feel like I can't breathe.


I wish I could still love who I do, but not see most of them ever again.

No more getting too sad.

First time I have been suicidal in a year and a half...

I thought I was doing so well...and in a way I was. I want to tell people that I woke up wanting to die but I have my reasons why I can't. Me is dealing with James and she's probably really scares for him and I don't want to add to her being already over stressed. I can't tell my mom, what mom wants to hear that her child is so sad at the world all she wants to do is cease living? I can't bare to think of my life where there. Would be a world where my mom wasn't living. Sis wouldn't know what to say and might think about canceling her trip and I don't want her to because she rarely goes on vacation and she deserves it. Her baby will be here soon and it will be harder for her to travel. I wouldn't know what to say to dad and I would worry him. Mom could tell something was wrong on the phone and I think, how can I ever get past something like this without my momma? I can't tell Face, she would over talk me trying to make me feel better but wouldn't let me vent to get it out. I can't tell Fred because he's fighting a war and I don't want to add to his stress at all if I can help it, I just want him to come home...I was in a grocery store with Me around Father's Day and I saw a soldier wearing fatigues and I wanted to walk up to her and say Thank You and instead I burst into tears. I miss my brother. I want him home. I don't have many other close people in my life. There are many people in my life I love and are close Ina different way, like Jimmy, Aunt Lynn, and Uncle Doug. Aunt Lynn is my 3rd mom (Grams is the second) as I was growing up I loved and hated her as a mom and when I was at her house I was part of the family, not the extended family but the family and I never felt like an outsider, I felt like I belonged there. Being as scared as I was for so long at everything that's one of the few things that hasn't changed. I still walk in the house there and feel like its my second home. But I wouldn't feel right talking to them about this. I don't think they couldn't handle it, it's the not knowing how to say it I guess. I have very few friends who aren't family, I love some like they were though like Ed. I don't know if it's because we aren't besties but people don't treat him well and he has been a good friend to me even when I didn't deserve it but I don't know how to talk about this to him. How am I ever going to make it after my mom dies? She knows what to say and how to help me and what if I have another nervous breakdown? Who will help me bathe in the bathtub and tell me after how soft my hair feels? I don't know how I can do this. I'm so scared all I will ever be able to do in life is go to college and try and keep appointments. I am so scared of everything else I don't know how I am going to survive. At this moment I don't even want to live and that's the hard part. I'm sitting here planning my death and the personal notes I will leave to important people and that I don't ever want the little ones to know how I died and that I want to be cremated but I still want a headstone and I want my ashes spread in a forest. I keep reading all of the horrible things in the world and I just wish that I was completely ignorant of all of them. I don't know how I can help starving children all over the world who have never felt full. I don't understand Christians hating me because I love women instead of men. God told you to love your brother as yourself. Jesus said love one another as I have loved you. Even if I wanted to be Christian I couldn't because who I love is an abomination. Why? Should I live my life married to a man who is a good friend but never feel sexually satisfied and still always wonder what my life would have been like if I would have been able to be with that girl that when I first looked at her the whole world disappeared. I don't even care that I can't get married to a girlfriend. It's a piece of paper commemorating my commitment. Showing her every day that I love her and making her happy is my life goal and she knows it would be enough for me. Being bipolar and having generalized anxiety disorder and being a lesbian has become hard. I read stories that are Matthew Sheppard related and it makes me want to die. It took me 28 years to come out because I was so afraid of what people I knew would think. A part of me is scared out of my mind I'll be a victim of a hate crime. Why am I not allowed to love who I love? I dated &?#@. I could have married him. The only people that would have been pissed would have been my family. I have to be careful if I want to do any sort of PDA with a woman I'm with. What if I can't find a job I would be able to do? I'm so afraid I will be on disability all of my life because right now I can't imagine making it to tomorrow. I keep thinking about the hospital. I hope for sis's sake of it happens it's after her vacation. I am so scared I won't make anything of my life. The classes I want to take are nutrition classes, sign language, philosophy, the next English class I have to take to get to the other English classes I want to take, intro to psychology, and self defense. What degree could that make? I want to learn (knowledge is power -Scott Cunningham) as much as I can and I have this thirst for knowledge that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fill, but where will that get me in life? Even though my college career I have a steady 4.0 the degree might end up general studies. I want an English degree so I could be an editor and hopefully write my book, but I don't even know I'd that is possible. I have so much to do and I'm so scared I'm not even up for the challenge. Oh great God and Goddess help me find my way, Pandora I ask you to remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and in the bottom of the box there was hope...

'Morning Bloggie

Ok so I'm yet again sleep deprived. Running on 4 hours so I hope that this makes sense...then again most shit I post doesn't ;p

Today marks the 43rd anniversary of the Stonewall Inn riots. I was unaware of them until today. I have a lot of pride pages that I follow, and half of them I followed before I came out. I never really thought of why we have parades. I seriously thought at one time it was because "We're here, we're queer, get used to it." I thought it was just a community reaching out and saying don't push me aside. But I am lucky enough to be born in a generation where I literally went on Facebook and told my little world that I was gay. Not one person I know said anything horrible to me and any time I have worn my pride gear no one has treated me different. But that wasn't always the case for my fellow homos :) I didn't know we could be arrested for holding hands. I didn't know that the F.B.I. Would be notified of your homosexuality and you would be put on a list, the god damn F.B.I. Knew your sexuality because "as a homosexual you were "prone" to blackmail and "overt acts of perversion." As you know I am a very emotional person and I cry at the drop of a hat, today was no exception. I read some of these things and tears were streaming (and currently they are watering again just from remembering what I read) I am a slightly discriminative person but I think a lot of people are to some extent. I am mean for no reason at times. I am irreverent. I swear in such a way it's almost paying homage to my dad, no one can swear with such elegance. With all of these imperfections I still identify as being Wiccan and I try my best not to harm. I make rude/crude jokes but I never intend to hurt people and it genuinely bothers me if I do. How could people hate so much? I am scared a little bit. I have feared coming out for years and I kept my feelings from everyone. I didn't want to be different. Even though I'm not alone I feel like the only lesbian in the world (that's the first time I ever called myself a lesbian, I like saying I'm gay better. I have always just liked that word better) I know I'm not, my pride pages and friends and family show me I'm not alone and even though they are mostly straight they haven't made me feel like I'm indecent for saying that I would rather be with a chick. I look back after coming out and I see that the boys I was with were there so that I wouldn't be alone. I dated a &$@! for Christ sake. Not something I'm proud of, but I can twist and make any kind of excuse for someone to help keep my bed warm. The first experience I had with a chick that went beyond kissing was also with a guy but I wanted nothing to do with him. The first person I ever loved was my best friend and all I wanted to do was tell her, but even at my young age I knew she would destroy me and call me names. Knowing that I was afraid to tell anyone that I felt this way. I knew as I was slightly older that my parents wouldn't change their opinion of me. My Mom's maid of honor and childhood best friend is a lesbian and (I forget the exactness so I'm paraphrasing) my dad said that he would be doing the water cooler talk type of thing and someone asked my dad if there was another woman and he replied who ever said it is a woman and he walked away. My parents accept a lot from us kids. They want us to go to school at all costs and they said if we (the three of us) ever needed help to go to further our education they would find a way. They looked at us with our individualism and let us run with it. My parents would give their shirt off of their back for anyone. A good friend of mine was going through a divorce and she needed to store some of her stuff (she was loving in California with her mom before she got married so I'm the only person she knew in the state other than her husband's family) so she wouldn't have to throw it out. I have basically all she owns in life that she couldn't take to her boyfriend's house and my parents are cool with me storing it because they have hearts unlike some evil bastards. My parents have been low on money for a while and we are in some serious debt. I had asked if she could move in because she was in need I thought. My mom heard what she was having to deal with and I know they would have let her stay. With what little we have extra now adays I know that they would do it because they look at it as the right thing to do. It bothers me to this day that the people who lived with us never took my mom out to dinner to say thank you or anything. They just used our house so they could get away from responsibility. I was never a perfect child to them, but I tried to be a good child who at least does the right thing. I think they deserve that because they taught me to be a descent human being. I was never afraid to be myself in front of them. The sexuality part wasn't really worry about how they would react, it was a little but in my heart I knew they would still love me. My parents and I, since I became a teenager have had a friend relationship. My mom is neck and neck for best friend status. Lol. Now all three of us argue like roommates. My mom has kept my phone up when I haven't been able to pay for it because it was low jack. I had more freedom than most teens I knew, but that's because my parents trusted me to make the right decisions. If my mom wanted to talk to me she would call me and ask where I was and when I was coming home and that was it. They have said that none of us (the three again) have respect for them, but I totally respect them. They are two of the most amazing people I have the luxury of being able to know. My brother and sister are like my parents. I didn't really worry. When I identified as being bi my brother had a girlfriend who didn't want to come over because she thought I would make unwanted advances against her and my brother stood up for me. I don't remember what was said to her but I loved that my brother was like that's not right she's my baby sister. I posted this thing when I was supposed to go to Pride festival but I couldn't go because I had lost my wallet and didn't want to drive without my license and stuff. I posted a comment that said so gay and my sister said you said "gay" and my brother said IRONY! Lol. And when I came out I just said I'm Gay and my sister commented well at least you're "happy" it made me giggle. So you see I wasn't worried about them or Face or Me it was the world I was most afraid of. In school people would make fun of these two girls who would hang out on the black top and walk around and call them dykes. I would be by myself playing with rocks (as usual, no friends *shrug*) and think no one can ever know how I feel. When I was older I figured I could just say I was bi and no one would get weird. I had quite a few bi friends in high school. Hormones are crazy with teenagers and I think that's what explains my need to be with someone. At that time I didn't even care about the sex. It just meant I wouldn't be alone. Because of that mentality I have suffered needlessly. I am so lucky that lesbian who said her handcuffs were too tight and she was hit in the head with a billy club and she shouted "do something!" and the riot began. They went outside and screamed "Gay power" and singing "We shall Overcome" (and the tears start falling) even beaten and outnumbered, in more ways than one, those people stood up and said we deserve better. Because of these brave people I can say on here I'm gay. I thank those people for standing up for injustice. I can be myself and not live a life that makes other people happy and be dead on the inside. I can find a woman to love and be with her and only have to worry about small minded neighbors in a sense. My life would have been very different if I never would have been able to be myself. Thank you everyone who has ever stood up for what they believe in, you give me strength.

I need to take a step back

It gets so hard when I get stressed out and I don't know what to do. It gains a lot, the stress doesn't seem to just plateau it gets bigger and bigger. I am taking deep breaths and trying to think happy thoughts and just hope that I can hold on, because sometimes, still, I feel alone. I just am happy that I am going to get time away from the house and maybe it will help with perspective. I need to get out of there and I need to take a step back and breathe... Horrible things can happen. I am always worrying and I am always at least a little bit nervous but I need to be comfortable. Being how thing are...feeling what I feel. It's like I can't breathe. I feel like its killing me not being able to breathe. I think maybe I just need to let go.

Life

I am glad I am growing up. I thought growing up stopped at 18 because you were an "adult" at 18. Ha! What a joke. At 18 you think you know everything and think you are invincible...and around 23-25 you realize that you can break and that maybe your parents aren't idiots and maybe they actually do know a thing or two. I was so niaeve that I wouldn't say things to my mom because I didn't think she understood. Like (sadly this is my only example and I don't want to lose this flow) like 'my mom doesn't know there is something called giving head, she's old. How could she have any life experience? She got married and had kids, it's not like she was ever a teenager. My mom was born at like 20.' it's so funny for me to remember how I thought then. It didn't last long. My mom has been my best friend my whole life, except for about 4 years...maybe 5, a relationship she didn't like and teen years. I didn't get like other teens and hate her from like 12-25, some people take it to extremes. It was like a year or so that I just thought everything she did was stupid and that she didn't know anything. From what I have learned since high school I could write a novel or two, and I am not even where my mom was when I thought she was clueless. It's funny because people kinda make their kids think they are stupid, because you shelter your kids and you try not to be vulgar in front of them and they get opinions of their own and they think you are almost slow. Realization is a wonderful thing. I am glad I am not in the dark about this stuff *chuckle*

I think I am hilarious at times. I talked to my 3 best friends right before my birthday and I decided I was going to come out. (my family knew I said I was bi, but I knew I was gay and had to set the record straight, ) you know how I did it? Facebook. Lol. I figured that it would be the easiest way to do it. Of course I had to plan it, so I made the status update that said "Come Put Come Out where ever you are" and something like in case anyone was wondering, I'm Gay ;) and my family (god bless em) being the way they are...my sister commented as long as you're "happy" smart ass. Lol. But I didn't fear my siblings so much. From when I remember, my brother was the most supportive when I said I was bi. He had a girlfriend that was uncomfortable with me because she thought I was going to hit on her or something, and he defended me. I don't remember what he said, but it was the equivalent of, "Dude, that's my sister, lay off." I was more worried about the people I haven't seen in over ten years and will probably never see again. How fucked up is that? I never told my dad, but my mom knows so I know she told my dad. My dad and I don't have the type of relationship where I want to talk about my relationships to him. I am out and proud now. I was so afraid before, and a lot of it is because it's different. Every movie, show and stuffs general layout is guy + girl. I was so afraid of being different that way. Which is weird because I don't mind being an individual. Every woman I have ever loved has almost destroyed me so it's hard to trust again. I have been talking to Becky for about a month and she is moving closer soon so I know I will be able to see her in a few weeks, but I am still nervous. I don't know if I am ready. Maybe I can just be gay and alone. At this point I really don't crave being with anyone. If it doesn't work out with Becky, for the first time in my life, it won't bother me that I'm alone.

Not feeling well and I think I am going to try something. I am feeling worse. I lost my wallet so I can't go out and buy Vernors :(

xoxo

I don't know what to do...

I have been feeling so much better lately. I don't like my situation. I am happy things have have happened the way that they have, but at the same time I worry that maybe I am not doing the right thing. I mean so far I am stable and doing the best that I can. It's hard to be as perfect as I usually expect from myself. I am trying to be confident in myself. After feeling like being silent for so long. I just feel like I am on the right path but I don't know where I am going. I want to do so much. I am taking breaths and realizing and knowing that things are not overnight. It's so hard not thinking that what you are doing is right. (I even analyzed that sentence) I just don't like being wrong. I always felt like things were pointed out to me because I was wrong. I hated being wrong. Feeling forever failing, when I am finally on my feet I hope I am doing well, I still doubt. I am scared it will happen again. Failure is my kryptonite. But being an individual is different. Just because what I think and who I am are different than what other people think doesn't mean that I am wrong. Facts and opinions are different. Sometimes its just hard to tell if something is someone stating their opinion or someone telling you that what you are doing is wrong and what you think are wrong.

Breathe...

...

Life happens. Even if I plan what I was going to type/am typing, might come out different. No one gets all of the answers right, or why would they even bother to grade the answers?

<3

Matisyahu saved my life this time.

So this was the third attempt at rescuing a bird. We had my original bluejay, the robin with the broken leg, and Scherbatsky who lasted a day. I was buying things for her like an eye dropper or whatever and I get the text from my dad, "the bird is with Jesus" That happened on Monday, and I am finally ok, and it's Saturday, I went to some very dark places. I felt like a failure. I was assured that I wasn't, but I had the eye dropper for water and she was eating the worms and I thought I was doing everything right. Thank god every time I lost one of them I wasn't there to see it happen. But during this period all I did was take my meds and sleep. I don't remember the days because they are all the same day. I'm talking to this girl that I like. I don't want to expect too much. Been burned too many times in the past. We have been talking for about 2 weeks. *evil laugh* I win this round myspace. gotta jet. good things today. I'm happy. Becky makes me happy. I have my besties. For now, life is good.

cleaning

I started cleaning the laundry area and I have done about 5 loads of laundry in the past 2 days. I wrapped Diva's birthday presents and the little something that I got for Charlotte. I wanted to see this guy a bit back, but he didn't have the time for me and I just kinda gave up on the men part of things, at least for now. I am talking to this girl and I am really liking texting her and getting to know her. I think about her a lot and I haven't really told anyone about her, I mean they know I am talking to her but I haven't said what kind of person she is or anything. I do really like her. My back hurts all the time now. I'm taking norco instead of vicodin, but it doesn't really matter because the pain is still there. It's easier if I'm sitting down. I was getting sick of sorting through a storage container for my shoes so I bought a hanging shoe rack. I didn't even put all of my shoes in there, because some of the mates are missing and others I am going to donate to salvation army. I have over 20 pairs of shoes and more clothes than anyone in their right mind should have. I was out of the house longer than I intended and things didn't get done. It's is so hard typing this on my computer. I have to stop so the computer can catch up. I am getting frustrated so i'll do this later.