a message to Hank

Hey Luv,

Just wanted to say hi, We haven't talked in a while. So I am only having a little difficulty in school, my grades so far are better than I expected. I haven't been studying well and I know it's going to bite me in the ass. I got a 98% on my narrative essay and 100% on my descriptive essay!!! I turned in my comparison essay yesterday so I won't know until probably Monday how well I did. I had my midterm and she had to grade on a curve so I actually got an 84% but because we didn't do well I got 10 more points and so I got a 94% instead. I am proud, mostly, of the work that I have been doing. The girls that I have to be grouped with make me sad. I had a hard time getting something and they were trying to explain it to me and I couldn't get it through my head what they were saying so when I was leaving I kind of gave them a look and it was mostly because I couldn't get it and that made me feel like an idiot. We are doing our presentation about love. I think its a great thing to make a definition presentation about and then the paper as well, which is only going to be 2-3 pages. I don't really know what exactly what I am going to say.

Sis is pregnant. I'm happy for her...but it doesn't really affect me. This child won't know me so I guess I am having my own party where pity makes an appearance. ;p She doesn't want anyone to know, and because she isn't that far along I can see why she would want to keep it to herself, but it also hurts that I am never important enough for me to know anything. I don't understand how she wanted me to be her maid of honor and when stuff like this is coming up I don't even get to know unless mom tells me.

I'm still happy that your name is on my foot. No regrets there. losing you was up there with losing Grams. Speaking of tattoos I got one recently of the Celtic symbol for sisters. Jess and I got them on our left ankles on the inside of the leg. I am planning to get another leg piece this year. I want to get Sorcha and 6 swans on my right leg, below the knee, on the inside of the leg. I'm probably gonna have it get touched up but that happens. I also want to get my "heart on my sleeve" on my left shoulder...this is boring you isn't it? I know you weren't into this stuff.

I still miss you like crazy. You are one of the only 2 people that I have ever loved in my life...I gotta go, I am fucked up on my medications. I love you. *<3* your slore

Um...

I have been getting baked and I think that is not right anymore, a couple days a month is a hell of a lot better than what I was doing before I got out of

Im done. I think we all get straight. Should we catch our noriot

Wtf? Why don't all help me? Was I seriously hurt?

Hrm

I am feeling better with my coping skills and doing my best in everything. Got an 84% on my midterm but my professor said the highest grade was 91% so she graded on a curve so that put my grade 10 points higher so I got an A. I was also given 100% on my descriptive essay and that made me feel awesome! I am happy that I am doing well in this class. My grade is 98% I am so stoked.

Gotta go

Peace out

Oh happy day

Brian has been making me giggle all day...yesterday really.

About to try and get some sleep in a few, no sleeping pills because j will be up another 24 hours. I am so tired, but im running a marathon in my head.

I might see I'd Jess wants company tonight and I could go over and help her unpack some more. I would really like to get my homework done so I won't have anything to worry about.

I have a date with Brian on Saturday to go over and get shitty. Yay for drinking holidays.

It's hard to see straight, so fuck all this. I'm out. Peace.

You are so special to me...

Please be the one...

If I could...

I would repeat that first date over and over again. You get these feelings that sometimes fade after a while, or are only around during that first meeting. Most things you learn are absolutely amazing, and at times you don't know if the person you were meeting is honest about themselves or if they are going to fuck you over the first chance that they are able to.

Changing the times I take medication are a little weird and Dr. Hanson wants to see me in a week to see if I am doing any better switching things around. I feel like that is going to be a lifelong struggle for me to find what's going to work and what is going to keep me level.

Uncertainty fucks everything up. First date was amazing, and the best one that I have ever been on, with anyone. Going over there today I kept feeling rushed and he seemed upset that I had to go. I care for him a great deal, but he told me we would take things slow, and for once I agree with that. I want us to get to know each other and by the way today went I don't know if he is on the same page that I am and I hate the not knowing. As fucking usual I am going to have a horrible time trying to sleep, and my fucking computer isn't keeping up my tying so I have to keep stopping and check and see what is the fucking progress. fuck this, i update on my fucking phone

...wish it didn't have to end...

If I could, I would make this day and this feeling last forever.

I would wrap it up and keep it safe.

I would remember fondly the laughter.

I would keep the smile, and never let it fade.

I would relive the first kiss, the first sweet embrace.

Would I

Nerves

You know me by now, if it's not something it's something else.

I want to do what I am supposed to do, but I have arguments with myself on what to do.

I really want to get more ink. It wasn't that bad this time, it didn't hurt as bad as it usually does. I have three that have to get done. Mom's bumble bee and clover, my heart on my "sleeve," and my Sevenwater's tatt that I have to explain to have it done. I want to get it done over the summer, I assume it's going to be like the left leg and should take about three sessions. Knowing me you know that I will be left with seven tattoos at that point, so I need to think of another one :) Jess's and my tattoos look great. Same tattoo but in our own styles.

I went into a salvation army store and it was close to closing, everything I tried on was at least 1 size to small. Right as I was walking to the front of the store the manager said there were a lot of empty hangers and that probably meant that people were stuffing stuff in their bags. I left my cart at the back with what I had tried on because I was pissed that I was going up another size. When I left the manager had to say something like, didn't find anything? Where I replied, "nothing fit." I added my sad face, walked to my car and got in. I fumbled with my ipod to try and get it hooked up and the manager was almost like following me and then turned around and went back to the store. Talk about fucking creepy.

I went on a date, guy got freaked because of me being me. I find it funny most of the time. Sometimes I get sad because I wasted my time on another person, but I doubt it would have went anywhere at all. He was still very bitter about his divorce and when he bitched about her, I bitched about my ex's. I lay it all on the table, I don't want anyone to think that I am hiding anything important.

I am on Plenty of Fish again. That makes me sad in a way. I wish I could get this "love" thing right.

Getting late, off to bed so I can wake up for case manager appointment.

Nighty Night ;D

"My Womb is Empty"

Today has been especially difficult. I see ghosts of what might have been. I catch myself rubbing the empty womb hoping for a miracle. I usually try to think of some random thought like this wasn't meant for me...but all my life I have wanted to be a mother. It only got stronger with the first niece, then the first nephew, and then my youngest niece. Looking at the life I had always wanted. I write (type) this with tear stained cheeks, thinking of the box of hope that I keep in my closet. One day I will no longer be mentally ill, so I won't need medication anymore, so I could get pregnant and not harm the fetus. Am I just trying to fulfill the primal need to procreate to keep the human race going? I think not. These ghosts haunt me at every turn. The tears keep streaming...I always wondered what it felt like to feel a kick. I had thought it felt like the butterflies that flew around you when love first hit, and then eventually became a baby. I had romanticized what it would have been like, high school sweethearts, went to college, graduated, got pregnant, worked while the children were in school, trying very hard to be like all of the families that were played on Nick at Nite. But as my story goes, I dropped out of high school, had a horrible string of relationships, became ill, fell in love twice, and only lived away from my parents under one year's time. I needed my stomach to be pumped so that I would survive my suicide attempt looking on at my mother and, at the time, not realizing what it would do to her having two out of her three children attempt suicide. Then next to her was the person who saved my life, one of the only men that I had ever loved. If it wasn't for him this blog wouldn't exist and I would have only see a few months of my eldest niece's life. It always goes back to illness to me. I fear I will walk through my life never experiencing things I wanted to so badly be deserved. Maybe if I was a better person I wouldn't be alone. So many thoughts wondering what ifs and what could should have been. I hear people tell me that I have time and this and that could happen. Then explain to me how I could birth a child when I can't be off of my mood stabilizers/antidepressants/anxiety medication for more than two days. Was I such a horrible person that I can never feel those butterfly flutters? Every year I get older there is the fact that pregnancy would be riskier, not only does my medication cause birth defects, but as I get older the same thing happens.

I can't think about this anymore.

Just drop it Krak.

It just wasn't meant to be...

I just wish that it would rain...

Woot! Knocked another guy out of dating me! I used to get upset about that, but honestly if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Jess and I got our tattoos yesterday, I love mine and Jess loves hers too. I want to get the other two I want to get, the heart "sewn" on my sleeve. The other being the Daughter of the Forest tattoo. I'm excited because I know what I want to be on there and I think that Adam would be able to do what I want it to look like. It's going to have to be in a couple months though, I got medicaid back so that's $99 more a month, so I want to take that first $99 and buy mom's tattoo, then I want my heart, then the last one.

On a different note, I got drunk last night. I haven't done that, god, I really don't know how long it's been. I had fun, didn't throw up, and I had fun with my best bud.

I am very lucky I have such good friends. I hope they never feel like I take them for granted, because of all of the things that have happened to me, I don't know what I would have done without them by my side, holding my hand.

I had to get an earlier appointment with Dr. Hanson. I feel fine one day and suicidal the next day. Today is a good day, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be looking for a razor. These days that I have been having is making me feel the worst. Its such a horrible feeling that I don't know how to fix it. We did that group focusing on me, but it was hard to implement what they said to do, the only things that made sense to me were the ones that I already do. Hopefully when I do go see the doctor she can figure out what is out of whack and I will start to feel better again.

I'm running around back and forth so more on all this later Bloggie :D

:(

I think what is bothering me the most is the kid thing. I would only be able to have that happen if I was with someone who had kids before I for in the picture or surrogacy and I probably will not be able to make that happen because my eggs are diseased, my illness would probably pass because of genetics. I wanted to be a writer, from Lois Lane who had her superman to a novelist writing what people liked, after that and in the middle college. The next logical step would be kids. How would I ever be able to be a mother? I couldn't even be pregnant because my medications cause birth defects. So many people I know have families and I fucking jealous. I am living in my parents basement wishing I wasn't here or anywhere. I will never be the mother I wanted to become. I will never feel a baby kick, never know the feeling of creating a life. I will always be on the outside looking at what I can never have. I don't think I will ever be well. I haven't been stable for over six months since around 1996. I was never promised fair or easy, but did you really have to take kids away from me? What am I living for? I fail at relationships, I'm in constant chaos, and I don't ever feel like I will be normal ever again.

The guy and I tried for a little while, never stuck. I wasn't even on medication at the time. I wonder if that was my only chance.

Maybe I just wanted them for the wrong reasons, and if we would have had a child I would still have to see him.

I can't cope. I have to hold my head down walking around to get to class. I don't want to look at people.

I want to give up.

If it wouldn't have fucked up so many people I would be dead right now. I'm not staying alive for myself, just barely getting by. Take a step forward and another and then, oh wait, take three steps back now.

Send me a sign. Give in or keep trying, because I don't think I can even male that decision myself.

What is wrong with me?

I finally settle down a little bit and I get right back to where I was before. I just can't seem to get any of this right. Thinking you should kill yourself on the way to class is such a wonderful thought to have. I want to cut so bad. I want to cry for weeks. It's like in Harry Potter with the dementors. It's like this absolute feeling of wrong. I feel like I am already dead inside. What do I have to look forward to? I can barely hold down two classes and I can't get a degree doing what I want and only being able to ... One class a semester. I feel inadequate.

I don't love life like I used to. I will never be pregnant, I will never get to be the mother I always envisioned that I would become. Who is to say that I could somehow pull that off, I might end up right back in the psych ward and resent the child for causing me to relapse.

I feel like the only one in the world who this is happening to. I want to make my life better and I want the children that I was supposed to have and the life that I always wanted, was being a mother and having a life that made sense too much to ask? It makes me wonder if there is even a deity out there why would it be putting me through this? What normal person tries to figure out how to leave everyone behind and find a place to make it happen. I am constantly being disappointed with everything in my life. I feel as though there is no purpose for me, that I was the mistake who broke the mold. I will never love life again. In that statement I feel it to be true.

I feel like Job. What else are you going to throw at me? Was I this horrible in a past life?

I don't want anyone to know this. What will it solve? Another medication that will stop working on 6 months. And how did I get the idea to date in my head. After waking up Sean and telling him to take me to the hospital makes me think that because I cycle weird and that you don't know how long I will be ok and for the fact that I can never keep money and the other long laundry list of reasons why I fail every day matter how hard I try.

I don't want to live.

That sums up how bad it gets. No one should ever have to feel that their life has no worth/meaning. But it's how I feel. I will be a burden on everyone until I'm dead and gone.

I feel helpless
Hopeless
Alone

When will this stop so I can be free?