Trying to deal.

I finally told my doctor I just wanted to be on the seroquel and depakote. She raised the seroquel way to much and on Saturday it was so hard to stay awake. I couldn't take it yesterday. I was fine on the dose I was on but now she raised it a lot. I hope I get used to it fast. Maybe I should just tell her I feel like a zombie. It's so hard for me to find the fine line of where everything works. It bums me out not knowing how to feel normal. Even right now it's hard to think. I gotta go. Hoping to write today. Oh and my computer died. It's so hard to find the silver lining these days.

Patrick.

I have been talking to people about you so much. Jess told me we are all bringing sunflowers to your funeral because you were pure sunshine. You would die on Friday the 13th. That was a bittersweet laugh. I told Dave I loved him. It's been years since we were ever like that. I just don't feel mad at him anymore. I want everyone here for the funeral. I hope everyone can fly in. It's like a shit storm that's been piling up and piling on. I am trying to hold onto the ride but I feel like letting go. ... I can't and I won't. I am extremely sad that I will never get to hang out with him again. I bought an Alf shirt. I hope you appreciate it. I will never forget it forever on you (the one I got was close) and always fun times when you were around. I'm glad that through this you kinda brought us all back together.

It's so difficult. Everything piling on. I'm trying o lean on everyone because right now I can't stand on my own.

I havent been able to sleep and it's hitting hard today for some reason.

I think I'm going to force myself to sleep soon.

:( this ALL sucks.

Oh the "humanity"

I said this to Jess in a text

"Why do people hate gay people? I'm sitting on a couch crying because of a video I saw about someone losing the one he loved and he was shut out from his partner's funeral. I am so afraid of a relationship. One of the reasons I am so scared about Becky is because I get this feeling about her family, whether it's in my head or not. I really really really really like Becky and this is all just through texting! But I am fucking afraid. I'm scared to put a pride sticker on my car because I don't want to get vandalized. I hope no one wonders why it took me 28 years to come out...I am afraid every day of rejection. I knew I was gay when I was in something like the second grade. But I was TERRIFIED of what would happen if someone knew...so I buried it as deep as I possibly could and hoped I could just marry a man and live my life as a lie because honestly who chooses to be gay. Granted if I would have come out I may never have met Hank, and I don't know if I would ever like to think of a world where I never knew Hank. I just don't know how I feel about much else. I don't want to be with anyone because I'm scared of what happened in that video. If you want to see it go on George Takei's page. I need to think about something else I'm getting depressed."

I was watching the YouTube video about Tom Bridegroom and I cried so hard I had to stop the video for a minute. I am lucky to live in America because I can say that I'm gay and I won't be arrested and beheaded because I love women instead of men. I made myself confused about my sexuality for years because I was afraid of what other people would think of me because it's not common compared to straight people. Most of the boys I dated were because they said yes or showed an interest and I desperately did not want to be alone. My ex fiancé said that he was afraid that I would leave him for a woman and in a way I will always love him and he will always be in my heart, just like Hank, but he's right something like this realization would have happened and I would have left him. At this point we would have been together around a decade and I wouldn't want to destroy anyone like that so I am glad that we ended up splitting up. I still stand by that we should have been best friends and not dated. If we would have kept it friendly we still would have been friends. Well you live you learn. That's what I was hoping for this that I would learn to stand up for myself and anyone else who isn't free to love who they love. I think I am only one person, but many of the people I admire stood up for what they thought was right and some even died for it. I don't want to be a martyr. I freak out when I think my best friend doesn't like me, how would it be on a larger scale? But I feel I have to speak out for those who can't or those who, like me, are scared to try. I want to be an activist. I believe that everyone should have the right to be with who they love. Even before I came out and I believed that I only liked men I still thought that.

I am so afraid to love some girl because of how it will look. Will I get looks for PDA? Will someone find out who I am and flip and do something like throw rocks at my car? (it could happen) I always tried to stay in the norm. I rebelled and tried to be a nonconformist and think outside the box but not in my love life because I was afraid of what would happen if I shared my true feelings. I get depressed over the fact that I'm gay. It sucks having 2 stigmas follow me around being crazy and gay. I get so scared that I won't make it because I don't expect a happy ending. I hope one day I'll be able to help someone, because what I am/have been going through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Being Gay Sucks.

Lol. I feel so out of place. One of the reasons I didn't come out when I was a kid. I knew very young that I was gay but I was so afraid of being made fun of or that people like my friends and family wouldn't love me because of it. I didn't want a life of struggle so I said I liked dick. Then I was able to say that I was bi and that was enough for a while. It isn't now. I was confused for years because I buried my sexuality in the deepest place I could and would hold the little experiences I had with women and keep them close because that's when I felt normal. Would I wish a life where people will look at me either just to stare or just to judge me for who I love? Why would I want ridicule? Why would I want to do something that many people view as wrong? It's simple...I don't want to live a lie. Luckily I have many people who love me and they don't care who I love. It's weird because when I came out I didn't care if I was with anyone. I have been talking to a girl for a couple months but I don't feel compelled like I used to when it comes to being with someone. I don't know how long it will last but I don't mind being single. My mom has been making me uncomfortable because of this. I hop she will get used to it. I'm upset, I can't type anymore now. I'll get back to this later.

I just want to be alone sometimes

I am glad I can stay at Jess' but I feel the weight of that. I just wish I could live in a apartment and read books until indie. I try so hard to be a normal human like everyone else but no one gets me when I feel this destitute. At this very moment I don't plan to make it to 40. Not for some urge to die, but because what's the point. School makes me happy, but no one is going to pay me to go to school. I can barely sit in a room with people I know without taking Xanax. I just don't have any fight in me right now. I don't even know if I wish that I did. I am ambivalent and that may be worse. I am so complacent on something I should be fighting to keep my life...but in a sense I have noting to live for. Like in equalibrium, without emotion life is just a ticking clock. That's what I feel like, a clock ticking until it just...stops.