*pant*

My dad took the tv that was just sitting and brought it downstairs but as usual even though there was nothing wrong he flipped and spit and said I hate this fucking house. He flips out over NOTHING! I decided to clean up a little bit. Saw one of those evil creepy crawlys and I almost died. I keep having to take breaks because my back can't handle it. I brought a lot of clothes upstairs for the 'rents to look through and I even just texted my mom about it, and it's sad that I had to over think the text and that I had a feeling of dread over it. I hope they get rid of half of it so that I don't have to find a new place to store this shit they are never going to wear again anyway. Leslie contacted me and said that Jeff was dying. I went with my gut and just didn't respond to her. She used me in the end and she just wasn't a good person. I am sorry her life is shit, but she even told me that she is just going to mooch off of the government and has no intention of getting better. I don't want to be stuck in my parents house, in the basement, never getting anywhere. I want things in my life, and never trying isn't an option for me. In group it revolved around me because of my suicidal thoughts and my not sleeping and how that is leading me to get depressed. It was funny because one of the suggestions was warm milk and I found a recipe and made it...then forgot to drink it! lol. I feel bad for wasting food like that, but I hope the next time I can't sleep that it will help. I want to get more tea and honey too. Anything to help me sleep. I am getting sick of not sleeping for 30 hours having 2 regular days and then not sleeping for 28 hours. I was starting to lose my grip on reality. More later bloggy blog

I got all my workout gear on (I went to value world yesterday and bought a new/used work out shirt) and went out for a walk but I didn't get far because my back seized. So I ended up coming home and taking some norco and sitting on the couch. I am out of muscle relaxers too so I didn't know what to do really. I have a feeling that I am going to get addicted to pain killers because of this. All of my back ended up hurting today. When I woke up it was the upper back that was killing me and when I went on my walk it was the middle and lower that was killing me. So I got to talking to this girl today and she didn't have any follow through. I had to keep the conversation going and it was very frustrating. write more later

suicidal again

wtf man. I feel like I am relapsing back to a drug. I was doing so well. I haven't cut since my stitches. (About 3 years ago I cut my arm so bad that I had to get 10 stitches. I used a new razor blade and pushed...I made the bade go about an inch deep in my skin.) I haven't been suicidal in almost a year. I think that's why I am upset, because I get to milestones and I get upset if I can't surpass them. People keep telling me that I am too hard on myself, and I see it but I don't. My case manager told me that I should be proud because a few years ago I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now, when I would fall off the grid before they didn't know if/when they were going to hear from me again, now I at least try to call and let them know that I am not coming or call soon to tell them that I am having issues. I don't know if it was the way that I was brought up or if it is something else entirely, but I just think that no matter what I do, it is never good enough. The letter that I received has made me so proud of what I have accomplished over this year and I am giving myself a pat on the back because I have pushed through and made myself better. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes, but I am growing everyday and I hope that one day all of this fucked up bull shit will make sense and it will have all been for something. I have changed my dating profile to looking for women instead of men. I decided that I am really going to try and see if I can make a relationship with a woman work. I have been so afraid in the past and I don't want to be afraid anymore. The pain is getting worse. I am taking pain killers pretty much every day. I don't know what to do about it. It's funny, I have decided to date girls and I am getting the birth control implant in like 2 weeks. I am so Polish.

I can't sleep but I started writing again!

I can't sleep more than a night. Of course at this point I have been up 21 hours. Days are burring into one another and I was actually on the right path and then I hung out with Jess and when she went to sleep, that whole fear of going to sleep came back and I just couldn't do it. Drove back to my house and decided to update on here and do as much as I can until I am tired enough to go to sleep, hopefully. The first thing I wrote was around the last days of school. It was about my struggle with having kids and wondering if being an aunt will be enough. I only had a couple people read it and they just said that it was sad. I read my descriptive essay to John, it was about my stay in the psych wing after my overdose. I was proud of my wordplay and I think I explained myself well and I tried my hardest to make the reader feel like they were there. I want to do that as a writer. So far I have a 4.0 and I am happy to say that all classes have been As and my English class's final grade was 98% and Got a letter in the mail from the Dean of Student Success because of my English professor. "You have demonstrated your eagerness to learn and your willingness to work diligently to meet the expectations of the class. The instructor congratulates you on your progress and encourages you to continue your noteworthy performance." It makes my day knowing that I tried hard to do well in school and that it was noticed. I was shocked that something like that even existed, but I pushed myself and I would never have made it this far 5 years ago. I tried to kill myself and barely existed in anything. I wouldn't have been able to make it to class consistently, let alone get such a high grade. I am still hard on myself and have to remind myself that there was a time where I thought that everyone was disappointed in me or hated me, even family members, for no reason at all. I said weird shit to them and scared many of them because of how I acted or reacted to things. Parts of that part of my life are fuzzy and I feel bad for what I put my loved ones through. At one time I would get very drunk and be unstable and wake up my mother and have her drive me around and she said I would spew venom. And I remember the yelling I did at those times and it was partly because I was keeping so much in that I didn't know what to do when I was faced with turmoil. 4.0 I feel bad for being so excited about this, and mostly its because of what other people will think and the other part is the guilt. Like that other people have been doing this for a while and I am so far behind because I am only now just getting into college. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. I am lucky to be alive with the overdose and with how bad my anxiety used to be I couldn't even leave the house. it is still difficult for me to be around people, mom and I went to a festival and I had to look at the ground so that I wouldn't freak out. I did get an ego boost, I was walking by and this guy was looking my way and I was wearing a v low cut shirt and I had boobage all over and he almost tripped because of it. It made me feel awesome that someone thought I was worth looking at. I was at Target yesterday and mom got a gift card from barnes & noble, a card, and azaleas for mom for mother's day; so I was looking for dad's father's day card to get it out of the way and they had the one I got which said, "Dad You're The Best" and on the inside it says, "ATM" I almost died laughing in Target so I had to get it. I also picked up Wreck This Journal It inspired me to write this and gave me a few ideas for essays I want to write and things to look into for writing. Most of the summer I want to be spent on reading all these unread books that I have and write new material because it's been forever since I have written anything that came from the heart. I am supposed to watch Sis's house in about a month. I am looking forward to it because I will get a house to myself and I will be able to hopefully catch up on my numerous books I haven't read yet and possibly write some things that have been in my head for a while. Face will be in town with the girls so I am going to miss time with them, but Sis still doesn't know exactly when she is getting here because the military is jacked. I miss everyone that's out of state. Fred is on r&r but that's half way done and he won't be back back for 7 more months. Mom admitted to be down because of the kids not being around and I think she may be owning some of it because she actually said we should go out when we went to the festival. I'm glad they had push coin for her. God all I want to do is sleep and stay up at the same time :( I saw the first fish fly of the year. Epic :( I was looking up cult stuff on wikipedia and other random stuff, berlin wall was one of em. I am amazed at most of the things that you can find on the interweb. I really want another ferret :( they made me so happy, even the douchy ones. I loved Weazel. The only thing I worry about is picking up shit randomly around the room. I wouldn't be able to do it for a long time because I would have to buy everything again and even the cage alone is expensive. I think that's enough for now. I plan on writing more later today if I can. <3 Psycho Bitch