up as usual.

I can always count on you except when you are being a cunt. I really scared myself on Saturday, I was making plans on how people who weren't my family to be the ones to find me. When I heard about Monster's friend and I had never met him but when the Face was talking about the funeral I burst into tears. Life is sacred and I try not to take it for granted, but my mind doesn't always believe me that there are so many things to live for and you just either need help finding something that helps get through life or ways to cope. I have been getting overwhelmed and I was scared, but I was proud that I didn't go into the hospital this time and I was fine the next day, I completed 2 essays and the regular homework. My midterm is on Wednesday and I haven't honestly even studied for it. I usually over stress when it comes to taking tests, I am mid term one of those people who had to read them over to make sure I was doing the important stuff. My last exam like this was easy was part of last semester. I haven't been doing well in the note department and I don't want to be the only one writing notes so I don't even raise my hand. Sometimes I am able stay a little later so that I would be able to find what types of areas that I needed to improve on and thinking about how to understand the material better. I am still pissed off at my group members. If you are going to talk do it at the end of the group work and they don't give a damn and they don't understand what homework is because they ask every class period, "oh we have homework?" well if you would have paid attention before you ran out of the room maybe you would understand the shit she talked to you about before you left was called homework. I think I am incredibly happy that I am able to do my work even though I want to punch my group in the back. The one chick takes charge of every group thing that we do but they end up talking and wasting town and it's hard when you have other things you need to do and everyone in our group are always done last. At least last night we had three things to do on three different  pages, #1-5 in our exercise, I was done in under five minutes and it seemed like they didn't care that we are all getting graded on these things that we are assigned and I don't expect for everyone to tap dance with jazz hands, but actually doing your homework and having it proof read and doing the assignments as they come to you is fucking crazy important and the group doesn't even realize that this is to learn and get a good grade in the end of the course. Well, I have to check my grades and email my CSSK Professor about what I should be doing, because if I have to turn that paper in tomorrow I am going to be pissed because it's not up to my caliber of writing. Up after dawn again so this is probably going to be a useless day in bed that I have to do so much when I was up I just hope I am not late for anything. I have to try and get some sleep. nighty night boggie

What difference a day makes...

I don't know what happened on Saturday but I couldn't get over what I should do to make myself better, somehow it just happened. I went on pof for a change. I am actually talking to a couple of them. I did wind up waking up in a good mood and wrote both of my essays. I have time to finish them but I am worried about my homework due Monday evening I didn't realize that I had to do it until I left. I hope I can get it done right when I get up if I get up bwfore group. Meh :(

I wish I knew why I'm like this

"A blooming peace this morning with it brings.
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head.
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things.
Some shall be pardoned, and some punished.
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

February 21, 2012

I am so tired of getting better and then getting worse. I have had an increase in my self confidence and esteem, and I was starting to relax a little bit, but I am so scared that I will not get better. I have been walking through a dream it feels like...I wish I would wake up and feel my version of normal, but god knows that probably won't ever happen. I have these big dreams to finish college, and that involves going full time in the next year or two, plus I have been wanting to write a book of my own for my depression and what I have went through all the years I have had differences in moods and depression. I have been eating a lot of junk food and I have been gaining weight but it's like I can't stop myself. Totally sucks. Dr. Hanson prescribed me a new medication, Cogentin, it's supposed to mellow me out so I don't get so anxious because of the saphris. I take it in the morning and before bed and so far I am liking it. Lets see if I can remember all psych meds I have been on: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zyprexa, Xanax, Ativan, Paxil, Prolixin (I think,) Abilify, Zoloft, Seroquel, Depakote, Lithium, Celexa, Valium, Effexor, Serzone (again, I think,) (I think) Tegretol, and possibly a few more. Cogentin, Depakote, Xanax, and Saphris are the medications that I am currently on. The cogentin was started last Friday, they kinda make me feel almost high, but I am finally relaxing. I have started to become afraid of sleeping again. I do not understand why it scares me so much, but it does. I am trying so hard not to miss a dose and to make sure there is a steady dose in my system as much as possible. I am having a hard time with the saphris because I have to take it before going to sleep but I can't eat or drink for 15 minutes. For some reason those measly few minutes make or break whether I am going to take that pill on any given night. I wish I could do the same things I need to everyday. I don't always shower...last time I showered I think was almost 2 weeks ago. I always feel bad when I do this, at least for a while I was taking baths, but I haven't even really done that lately. I know that I am dirty and need to do something about it but it's like I can't do anything. I am so out of sorts. I am having a lot of mood swings, gaining weight, horrible with hygiene in general, being down, wanting to sleep all the time, and having a hard time even getting to sleep. I hate that fear even though I don't understand what to do to make that better. Figure out more later. Going to try and clean before I sleep tonight. I have so many things to do tomorrow and I already feel overwhelmed. I hope I will be able to pull through and hope I won't freak out.

I am having a rough time right now...

LWhen I saw Dr. Handing and told her how I was getting overwhelmed and that I am a difficult time at school, meaning that I am dealing with a lot more homework than I thought I was going. To get,but I don't want to quit I am just nervous it will be too much. I have been keeping up with homework except I should be working on my essay but I cant get myself to do it. I am so down and I just want to sit in my pjs. It is bothering me that I am having such a hard time and its killing me I might fuck up in school because of my illness. I keep trying to do what I can but some things are slacking. I am afraid to sleep again and I am so tired and don't know howto fix it. I am so confused on what the right thing to do is. I am just trying to keep my head above water. I like the new mad because it makes me feel better but I am groggy at the same time. Im hoping tonight it wont be so scary.

Well

Jess decided that we were going to get our tattoos today and I Don't think that we are going to be able to. Crissy and Dave are ahead of us and it's a little after 10.

I have had a shitty couple of days. The stress of school has been getting to me and I am out of sorts. After taking to new pill it has helped I just don't know if I am going to continue doing so after a while. I was going over the list of hat has been bothering me lately and noticed that I have been feeling pretty bad because I stopped showering a couple weeks ago and it spent bother me if I bathe after leaving the house. It just sucks because I was getting so much better but right now I am just scared that I will continue to get worse instead of better. I'm taking my medication so it didn't make sense when I started to get worse.

The new med is kind of making me fuzzy so I hope it's just becUse I am getting used to it. It's cool it's like a body buZz but I can't drive when I take them.

Off to feel groggy, peace.

to drop or not to drop...

I talked with Dr. Hanson about how I have been doing, some things I had kept to myself and some things I was in denial about. I want to achieve so much but I am always afraid of failing, like if I did I would never be able to try and do it again. I am also having problems sleeping. Ian at the point where sleeping scares me and I try and stay up as long as I can before passing out.I told her all of this and a little bit more that I don't remember at the moment (I did tell her about still not smoking) so I am om this new medication "cogentin" which is supposed to go with my saphris. So I am on saphris, depokote, xanax (when needed), flexoril (when needed), vicodin (when needed), levbid (stomach med), and the newest, cogentin. Two more pills a day because on I am going to take them morning and night. I have noticed a difference and I have only had two doses. It is supposed to help me mellow out and it is so far. My doc said that maybe I should drop one of my classes because I am having a hard time with all the stress I am encountering and I don't know what I can to at this moment to make it better. I am going to try but I don't know if I am going to be able to go full time with school for a while. I think jam going to stay with 2 classes at a time and when I am more comfortable I can go up to 3 or more but I need to be confident that I will be able to do it.I have been up around 36 hours and I am afraid to sleep so I am trying to relax so that I don't panic. I know that I will always have a me talk illness and that I will have times where I don't even understand what's going on, but I am going to try my best to do my best and hopefully keep moving forward, or standing still while the rest of.me catches up.Watching House with Me and trying to relax, I have to take my sleeping pill to get to sleep.Im just happy to be out of my house...starting to hate being under my parent's roof still.

...

I need to do something about my health. I have deteriorated to eating candy on a regular basis and I barely exercise at all. I have turned my life around mentally so I need to do it physically now. I guess depression played a part in it, but I am still doing ok so I should do it now to try and stick to a routine. I've got class in a couple minutes so thusnwill be short, I just needed a minute to vent before I have to focus. I am worried about the midterm, I do t really know how to.make flash cards for the parts of speech. Oh well, off to class.

:)

I am very proud of myself. I got 99% on my first essay! I am starting to gain confidence in what I am doing. I have to get the descriptive essay peer edited today, I keep feeling like I am missing an important pertaining that should be mentioned but I could just be trying to be a perfectionist. I slept all through valentines day. It was amazing. I ate chocolate and slept. I am happy that I am single because I can be myself and not feel weird about it. I have never had that awesome comfortable feeling g with anyone. I keep thinking if I did find someone to be with it would be a girl, but I am too scared to try so I don't know if I will ever find out. Damn you society. Ian keeping up with all the homework I have to do, reading in my CSSK class for some reason is very difficult. I try but I always end up reading it on the day of class. I am trying today but even right now I am writing on here instead of reading the book. Epic fail. I have that seminar in a little bit so.I have to go, try to write more later...

Wow

99% wow. I am so proud of myself. I am really trying to take class seriously and my first essay of the semester and I get an A. My professor even said I was a great writer and at this point in my life that is the best compliment! I worked hard and I was amazed that what I wrote was good. I don't really have an opinion on my writing because I usually don't show it to people and I have been showing people lately and my confidence has been going up! Being in this class is inspiring to me, and my college study skills class, surprisingly enough as well. I have to read essays for CSSK in a book called "This I Believe" and write a journal entry about what I read. I have so far read about gangs, bipolar disorder, someone struggling with their sexuality, and other very interesting topics. I feel moved even in the little assignments that I am doing. Going back to college was probably the best decision that I have ever made.