Overwhelmed.

So my grandma is in her 90s and she has lived out of state for all of my life after I was one. We (me and the 'rents) have lived here and it's also the house my dad grew up in. He is talking to my mom about the house again. Buzia is coming into town next month. For the past few years, except last year when a cousin of mine died. The house pretty much looks like a step down for hoarders. I think we have laundry baskets in every room but the bathroom. Someone will wash clothes and they get left and forgotten. I almost bought socks a couple days ago because I couldn't find any. Some things have changed with me, and lately I haven't noticed what has been happening to me. I kinda stopped eating and I lost 20 pounds. I am not hungry pretty much all day and I sit and try to remember if I ate that day or not. Last night I had some easter candy and then just pop. I am getting afraid of things again. Hygiene is a problem and sometimes the meds. My illnesses are so severe I am scared if I was able to move out financially I wouldn't be able to do it mentally. I had a nervous breakdown in my early 20s and in a month and a half I will be 30. I never complpetely recovered. I met an amazing man a year and a half ago and I tried to be as upfront about my illnesses and we have (possibly had...) a weird relationship where we don't use the title but we are faithful to each other. I don't have enough money to see him more like I used to. We get one night a month to be together. He has helped me think I deserve to be with a good man. I have been beaten down so much I dated for the companionship and most of those people were assholes and they would degrade me and I thought I wasn't good enough and I just basically felt like a whore. I have been hospitalized 8 times, one was a suicide attempt, the others were suicidal thoughts and cutting. I did a 180 2 years ago and did things around the house, took college classes and had a 4.0 GPA. Then something happened and I regressed. I am scared of night again. I haven't taken my night meds. I have been up roughly 19 hours. I'm cycling and I didn't stop it in time. So much is being put on my shoulders that I can't function anymore. My guy was trying to help me and I pushed him away. He said he had never seen me this depressed and that I had to go back in the hospital and that he would wait and I should go get better. I thought he was out of his mind. I didn't want to go back and be locked up for roughly 2-3 weeks. I fucked up and have to wait to get my insurance back so I can get my tubes tied. Just dealing with that part ruins me. All I ever wanted was to be a mother. I don't want to put a child through what happens when I cut or talk about dying because it would make everyone else's life better. I hate being wrong but he i right. I should be sleeping right now but I am getting manic. I am trying to stretch a couple days without telling my parents, when I see my doctor she will call and say I am on my way so I will get to the back of the ER and not have to wait to get a bed. Usually I am there quite a while before they take me upstairs. I feel like I am getting more manic with every second. I have to do it this way or I won't go. They never give me enough medication to get me to sleep so I am up most nights trying to write with the little light that i have and I get little sleep there. about 2 months ago 3 people thought I should go in the hospital. I was mad. It feels like whenever i ahve a problem everyone thinks I need to be hospitalized. So many horrible things are happening and I thought I could pull through it but I was debating on cutting and I haven't thought about that in years. I will probably end up doing it before I go in. My guy told me that was his line and it I cut myself he was out. I pushed him away so he is probably out anyway. It is hard to maintain a relationship with such distance. I went 3 months without seeing him and I use to come over on the weekends. The one good person I have ever known and I push him away. There is a show with a woman with bipolar who has problems with med compliance. I don't want to go to sleep. I want to cut. I want to normalize. I was doing well but it always leads back to te meds and forgetting if i took them that day or not. I haven't been manic in a long time. I have been depressed for a few months and one incident was a past ex derading me on the internet. I have been trying to fix me forever. It got very bad as a freshmen in high school and for over 10 years I have been trying to win the fight. Mental illness is on all sides of both sides of the family. My brother tried to kill himself last year and he was drunk and took all of his pills (when he first attempted he did that too) and he said he called me because I would understand because I had done it before. I almost lost my brother that day. He was hospitalized probably 7 times between July and December of last year. They had to wait in the driveway because he wasn't stable enough to have it moving and he was right by a hospital. He and I have always been the most sick. My parents don't tell the family and I used to think it was a pride thing like they were ashamed of me being in there. I told them later that I wanted people to know. It's fucking boring in there because of how much free time there is after a week I just want to get the fuck out of there. My inactivity has fucked shit up: hips, knees, ankles, feet, and back hurt almost all of the time and the vicodin isn't helping anymore so I am looking into psychical therapy. I am afraid of the hospital bill I won't be able to afford because I don't have my other insurance. I started writing my book. I thought it was going to be harder but I have ideas. I have only 8 rough pages but I have more ideas thaan I thought I was going to have. Those pages didn't take that long because I was almost always typing. I think I am going to go around Wednesday. It depends on my blood test I need to take to see if I have liver opr kidney damage. I am so tired right now but I don't want to sleep. I keep thinking I could stay up forever. I have kinda planned cutting and I am trying to avert my attention to it by thinking about the girls but sometimes thats not enough. I might want to do it because it will push him away more and it will be over and I will have sucessfully fucked that relationship beyond repair at that time.

Glutton for punishment?

So I was head over heels in love with the guy I was with. I was in denial about how bad our relationship had gotten and I was happy with him but he wasn't happy with me. He took a video of me going down on him and I had no idea he did because I keep my eyes closed when I do it. A friend found out he posted the video to a porn site. I have never been betrayed on a level like that before. After we broke up I was doing a lot of thinking about things. I sacrificed a lot being with him because I had to set aside a lot of time and money to be able to see him and I couldn't afford to see my people because I couldn't afford the gas and was in denial about being depressed. I was depressed because my relationship was falling apart and I pulled away from all of my friends and I barely left my house. I also decided to tell the girl I have been in love with for years how I really felt about her. She is my brother-in-law's best friend and she lives 60 miles away from me. She is the only girl I have been with, I have dated many girls but we never got busy, but this girl I have been with a few times and I fell in love with her and hated seeing the losers she was with and it killed me to see her with guys and she said she would never date a girl because of all of the drama. I never heard back from her because I sent it in a message. I am not sure if I did it just to get it off my chest or if I expected more. I thought I just had to tell her because I didn't think anything would come of it because I was almost completely positive that she didn't feel the same about me. So I sent another message asking if she read it and she said she was thinking and then made an emoticon sad face and said she was sorry. I guess that was her saying she didn't feel the same. I am kind of confused, but I don't want to send another message saying I'm confused so I'm just going to leave it alone and if she says something ok but if not I won't make a big deal about it. 

I have been staying up late a lot but a big part is anxiety. I want to get my tubes tied and I have an appointment with my gynecologist on Monday to discuss my options. I am also nervous about things that have been going on lately. 

My mom wants me to cut my hair really short again telling me again that I look good in short hair which makes me think she thinks I'm ugly in long hair. I don't honestly think that she thinks I'm ugly but she won't give it a rest. My hair is in the middle of my back and I like my hair long. I do need a trim but I'm not hacking it all off again, with the short hair I feel like less of a girl and I really don't like it.

My psych meds are way down: Depakote, BusPar, and Latuda. Just 6 psych pills a day now and at one time it was 23 pills a day. I have already done so much better with my hygiene and when I lose my temper I apologize now. I have been sleeping better and I am getting out of the house more to visit my friends. I try not to stay up but I get so nervous and scared sometimes I just have to stay up. 

I got pierced on cousin John's birthday. Rook on both sides. I lay on my left side and the first night I was ok but the second night my left ear hurt like hell and now the swelling is way down but the right ear hurts and its so swollen I hope it goes down soon because its bugging me. I have one or two more piercings I want to get and then I'm probably done with piercings. Tom still had my drawing for my Sevenwaters tattoo and I sent him an email for some of the changes that I wanted. After all of my bills, buying a carton of cigarettes and buying some canned vegetables for meals (I never feel like we have enough so I bought a bunch.) I also got a lot of fruit because my mom doesn't really tend to buy much and canned fruit as well. After all of that (luckily I was able to post date or pay my 3 credit cards, phone bill and odds and ends) I have just enough for my tattoo and I hope it stays that way because I have waited a year for that and I think I have waited long enough. I really really hope I can get it. My goal is to send my leg piece to Juliet Marillier's fan site and show her my tattoo. I was at a Border's with my mom and the paperback cover caught my eye and judging that book by the cover is what got me back into reading. My mom bought me probably 3 copies of that book because of how many times I read it and how loved that book was. I have it on my nook in cases of emergencies but I always have to have a paper version of that book because that one I have to feel holding it. I'm going to love having that on my leg. It's probably going to be another 7 hour tattoo but so very worth it. It might take me all year because I won't be able to get it done all at once. 

Crissy gave me some of my books back and I took some of mine from Jess. I wanted a count of what I have. Crissy's ex had one of my books in paperback and she said she would replace it but I decided for that series I wanted them in hardcover and I was lucky and they had the one I was missing in hardcover so I told her not to worry about it, now I have the whole series again. I also found The Lords Of Salem by Rob Zombie and I had no idea it was a book so I grabbed that one too. There are a couple books I am preordering like the last Mortal Instruments book. Some books I have on my nook and on paper. Its easier to travel with a nook instead of 20 actual books. I had to cancel some preorders because of my cards not having enough but I will be reordering them when my cards get figured out so I don't miss out on these. 

I need to go to sleep soon. I have to have better hours to keep on track. Thank god my appointment on Monday is late afternoon.

Peace out blog.

Another day in the land of Crazy

It's been rough on me lately. During the night it's worse which used to be my comfort zone. It either stays the same or gets worse. I'm real lonely at night which is also new. I hope it gets better because if not I will probably end up back in the hospital. For the first time in about 5 or 6 years I had seriously contemplated cutting, I made myself then a quiet promise I wouldn't do it because the last time left me with a scar and it was deep and took 10 stitches. I got them out the day I was released and Monster was in town and I was so excited to see her and ran up to her and picked her up and doing that I almost reopened it. I made the promise because she asked me how I got my boo boo. How do you explain being a cutter to a toddler? That's what bothered me the most. Diva would probably be curious in the way that Monster reacted and I have no idea what Monster would think or feel seeing something like that now and honestly I think she would not only be upset with me but I think it would scare her. A couple years before she was born I had cut all sides of my arms, legs, and stomach. The pain was so bad and clothes hurt to wear like the collar and sleeves and pants so I mostly stayed at home wearing a shirt without sleeves and ripping off the collar wearing panties and kind of hid in the basement. Other times I just had to keep it secret I covered everything up and it hurt like hell and sometimes the cuts reopened and got stuck to my clothes but I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want my closest people to get worried or upset or anything. I thought about it for a good long time and I was so mad at myself that I was considering it. I never want to hurt "my kids" there are four little people that I would never want to hurt or even know about this, I'm glad it stopped at thoughts and I was so mad that I considered it, 5-6 years not ever thinking serious until recently. Same cycle meaning, in December it had been a year since I was last in there, and sometimes when it gets to be around the year mark of being in there last something happens and I end up going in around an anniversary I try and stay strong and just get through this and have my victory of making it another day and I try really hard to get that victory. I know I have a good support system and I have met people in the hospital who don't have even one person to go to, I met a man in there who lived in a motel but he couldn't pay rent because he was in the hospital so they threw out his stuff and he had no where to go. They have to release you to someone in order to get out and he had to stay an extra day to figure out how to get him discharged. I have people enough for me to count on my fingers and toes and then some, and I know that I am lucky in that. But some people don't understand that sometimes I can't pull myself through and I can't ask sometimes when I need help. I have: bipolar 1, Seasonal Affective Disorder, insomnia, Restless Leg Syndrome caused by one of my medications so I need another medication to stop the RLS so I can sleep, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Short Term Memory Loss, racing thoughts, sometimes cycling between depression and mania that scares me even, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is getting worse. I haven't worked in 8 years and when I talked to my psychologist about it she said that's something that is nowhere even close to any time soon. I hate when I get suicidal because someone will have to take me to the hospital and I scare people because I let the crazy out. One of the times I went in for months I had thought about committing suicide every day and was thinking how to do it and then breaking down and crying to the point where I was hyperventilating because I was so scared having these thoughts I couldn't stop and I was scared of what I would do I scared myself. It would be nice to not be suicidal ever again. What really sucks is being suicidal and I get so mad because unintentionally hurt people by saying what is going on in my head and I end up making people really sad. When I cut my arm so bad I asked to have my room cleaned because there was blood everywhere. It made me die inside because my mom wanted to see it and I didn't want her to see it because I didn't want to hurt her having her see it. If I could change it I would have found a way for her not to see it. I don't want to be suicidal but it happens for one reason or another. As far as I remember I have only attempted suicide once. When they got me ready to pump my stomach if we would have gotten there a little later I would have died. I only remember parts of being in the ER and then I was transferred to the cardiac floor and woke up to being on a heart monitor. I don't remember the first 3 days at the hospital because I was in and out of consciousness. When I was finally awake awake I remember seeing Face and Bruce and my "Amy Sitter" I had to have someone in the room with me because of trying to commit suicide and if I went in the bathroom I couldn't completely shut the door. the scariest thing was when I was finally able to get up I couldn't walk. It scared the fuck out of me. I had to be held onto so I wouldn't fall. Sometimes I do well. I stopped smoking for a while and I started college and in my English class I did above and beyond and my professor had got me a special letter explaining how well I did and it was some special office and in that class my final grade was 98% and my first and second year in college I had a 4.0 and then had another breakdown and had to stop going to school. I'm having the usual problems with me of not taking care of hygiene and I end up not doing a lot and partly because of my chronic pain but it's hard feeling like shit like I have been lately. I am trying to push myself to get better and I hope I don't end up back in the hospital but things are so difficult I am doing my best. Hopefully I will get through this soon and get back on track. I was doing well then I backslid and came back. So I am going to try again and hope this will be the past and hopefully get back to where I was and try and get myself pieced back together and my goal is to go back into college, quit smoking again and get back to where I was when I was doing well.

to bruce, who saved my life.

Through my years of pain many things have happened. My fiancée and I were together for almost four years. We had our version of a hand fasting and dedication to one another. Later on when we had broken up we met at places and got together the last time. My bipolar 1 was out of hand and I didn't want to live at all. I called my best friend who lived in vegas at the time an left her a goodbye voicemail. I called my baby sister and she didn't answer and I didn't want to leave another message so I hung up. I called my ex and said, "just remember I always loved you." I shut off my cell and drank more and took more pills. I was cutting at the time and I don't remember if I did cut that day or not. My ex drove over and came in the front door and some up my mom. My mom never liked him and I wonder how she felt that he had came in the house. He said she had to go downstairs and it was an emergency. I was holding the dog I convinced my parents I needed so I wouldn't be lonely. They both took me to the hospital. He got out and got me a wheelchair and went up to the window and said I tried to kill mhself and that I had overdosed. They took me back and I could barely stay awake. My mom and bruce stayed in the ER with me as my stomach got pumped. They both got in the elevator to take me to my room on the cardiac floor. I don't remember vetting off the elevator and the next three days I don't remember because I barely stayed conscios. The day I first stayed up he was there with my baby sister. I did see him years later and I don't remember if I ever thanked him...so bruce thank you for caring enough to come over my house to wake my mom when you know she didn't like you and thank you for not only being in the ER with me and the times after that you visited me. Most importantly getting in a car and getting me help, because if you would have ignored it I would be dead. So thank you bruce, I owe my lice to you.

It's been a while...

Some physical issues that I have have gotten worse. My legs are weaker, walking up and down steps almost makes me cry at times so I have the kind of braces that go on like socks and they have helped a lot to make it easier. The back pain is either tolerable or excruciating, between a 3 up to a 9. Depending on how sick I am depends on how my stomach will react. When the depression gets very bad i live off of pop and cigarettes so in turn I will get any number of things: having to literally run to the bathroom and have the runs and be in the bathroom up to 6 or 7 times in the bathroom for that. For a while I was waking up while I was on my back and I was choking on bile (I woke up one of those days and my tonsils were so swollen that I was choking on bile but it was caught because of the swelling and I couldn't breathe, my room is in the basement and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go upstairs until I could breathe again I was so fucking scared.) I still sometimes wake up with bile. The smokes and pop fuck up my stomach, I know it but sometimes I feel like I can't force myself to eat. I've been living in chaos of not straightening up but honestly I don't care.

Since it's been a while I don't know where I left off but I think it was when I came out...2012 it would be weird being that far without typing that long but I think that's where it was. The story of how I got there? I had dated this guy and all we did was doggy style because...I donno he had some fucking reason. I got depressed and couldn't have sex for a while and he said he was sexually active and if I couldn't do it for him he would find someone else to. I dated a sex offender, because that's smart. I thought that I wasn't straight (I have danced around being straight or gay or bi, bi wasn't good enough because I always felt I had to pick instead of being comfortable being bisexual.) I came out on my birthday while I was with my girlfriend, about 4 months in our relationship we got engaged and as shitty as it sounds, I woke up one day and didn't love her anymore. I broke up with her and finally settled that I was bisexual. I decided that I wanted to go back on the Plenty of Fish website again. My uncle found his wife there, one of my best friends found her husband on there as well. Oh, before I get in this I went to college and my first year and a half I had a 4.0 GPA and a letter my professor had sent to a special awesome (no idea what the name of the department was) like a merit of awesome I guess. She explained how I went above and beyond and my final grade for the glass was 98% it was English so that explains it. We had seven essay papers and all of them were As. The first was a low A and I got one that was 114% I had quit smoking and I had my bipolar in check. And then I fell apart and stopped going I hope I will go back soon but I don't know right now. 

So back to before. I had gotten a message and I was typing back and forth and we had a day set (October 28, 2013) to go out to the drive in. I was so nervous I kept putting my foot in my mouth because he is amazing. He treats me like a lady and on our first date I was already falling for him. I was hospitalized that December and my bestie cousin gave him the number and he called me on Christmas. I do this weird thing that doesn't make sense but whenever he calls I know its him but I always ask. When I met him all I thought was, "this is it, he's the one." If I could I would marry him right now. In saying that I think he's finding a way to break up with me. We live a short long distance. I used to be able to see him once a week but now it's once a month. He has sent me two messages this whole month. I messaged him today thinking if he's gonna break up with me just rip off the bandaid. I have always felt more. I told him I loved him and he said he wasn't ready to say it back and I understand that and I don't fault him for it at all. I try (or is it tried now?) it's been a year so it kinda hurts a little but I always kept thinking that there is time for it. We have shared intimacy with each other that we haven't said to anyone else. He's hot, and tall, I love his butt, he's amazing in bed, and I love him with every fiber of my being. One of the messages was something like I don't want to talk about it on here. So I'm guessing text messages or Facebook messages or maybe even phone calls. I was always feeling more than he did, I love him with a high intensity. I love him and I want him to be my husband. I wish he felt that way too.

Single again

I get so wrapped up in people I forget who I am or they try to change me or whatever. Accept me for me or don't bother.

fuck me.

Do I ever do anything that makes sense? Do I even know anything? I keep thinking I am so sure of everything and I always end up wrong. Thought I was bi, then straight then bi again then gay and now bi? WTF is wrong with me? I am always behind and I work harder for other people than I allow to do for myself. All I want is happiness and when I think I have that I fuck it up somehow. My life is coming together and falling apart all at once. Am I just making all my same mistakes over and over and over again and expecting something different? as the true defination of insnity. I am just lost and confused because I don't know where to go and I feel stuck in quicksand. I was doing well for almost a year and what fucked it up? A relationship or two. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't. I almost got engaged to a girl I had seen once and felt a connection to, but I backed out and I had my reasons for it but then I find someone I really connect with and I don't know....I just don't know. All of the things that happen in situations like this have happened. I let everything fall apart in my room, I walk around constantly disheveled. I don't remember that last time I did some things like brush my teeth for instance. I try more now than I did when I was feeling better and sometimes I don't even get any positive results. I am so sad sometimes and I don't get anyone who seems to understand. I hate this not knowing what to do and that every day I am more lost than the day before. I want to be able to get dressed more than just to see people. I mostly kick back in pjs all day. But that can go for days on end. I wanna be a writer and I can't even stand on my feet. I can't even write most of the time! I just want to crawl in a hole. Why am I faced with so much? Why can't I see reason? Why is reason insanity to me? Fuck fuck fuck fuck me. I HATE EVERYTHING. I can't even pick up the phone to schedule my next therapy appointment. I don't ever know how to fix me. I can try and fix everyone but myself. I don't even feel worth fixing.