Another day in the land of Crazy

It's been rough on me lately. During the night it's worse which used to be my comfort zone. It either stays the same or gets worse. I'm real lonely at night which is also new. I hope it gets better because if not I will probably end up back in the hospital. For the first time in about 5 or 6 years I had seriously contemplated cutting, I made myself then a quiet promise I wouldn't do it because the last time left me with a scar and it was deep and took 10 stitches. I got them out the day I was released and Monster was in town and I was so excited to see her and ran up to her and picked her up and doing that I almost reopened it. I made the promise because she asked me how I got my boo boo. How do you explain being a cutter to a toddler? That's what bothered me the most. Diva would probably be curious in the way that Monster reacted and I have no idea what Monster would think or feel seeing something like that now and honestly I think she would not only be upset with me but I think it would scare her. A couple years before she was born I had cut all sides of my arms, legs, and stomach. The pain was so bad and clothes hurt to wear like the collar and sleeves and pants so I mostly stayed at home wearing a shirt without sleeves and ripping off the collar wearing panties and kind of hid in the basement. Other times I just had to keep it secret I covered everything up and it hurt like hell and sometimes the cuts reopened and got stuck to my clothes but I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want my closest people to get worried or upset or anything. I thought about it for a good long time and I was so mad at myself that I was considering it. I never want to hurt "my kids" there are four little people that I would never want to hurt or even know about this, I'm glad it stopped at thoughts and I was so mad that I considered it, 5-6 years not ever thinking serious until recently. Same cycle meaning, in December it had been a year since I was last in there, and sometimes when it gets to be around the year mark of being in there last something happens and I end up going in around an anniversary I try and stay strong and just get through this and have my victory of making it another day and I try really hard to get that victory. I know I have a good support system and I have met people in the hospital who don't have even one person to go to, I met a man in there who lived in a motel but he couldn't pay rent because he was in the hospital so they threw out his stuff and he had no where to go. They have to release you to someone in order to get out and he had to stay an extra day to figure out how to get him discharged. I have people enough for me to count on my fingers and toes and then some, and I know that I am lucky in that. But some people don't understand that sometimes I can't pull myself through and I can't ask sometimes when I need help. I have: bipolar 1, Seasonal Affective Disorder, insomnia, Restless Leg Syndrome caused by one of my medications so I need another medication to stop the RLS so I can sleep, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Short Term Memory Loss, racing thoughts, sometimes cycling between depression and mania that scares me even, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is getting worse. I haven't worked in 8 years and when I talked to my psychologist about it she said that's something that is nowhere even close to any time soon. I hate when I get suicidal because someone will have to take me to the hospital and I scare people because I let the crazy out. One of the times I went in for months I had thought about committing suicide every day and was thinking how to do it and then breaking down and crying to the point where I was hyperventilating because I was so scared having these thoughts I couldn't stop and I was scared of what I would do I scared myself. It would be nice to not be suicidal ever again. What really sucks is being suicidal and I get so mad because unintentionally hurt people by saying what is going on in my head and I end up making people really sad. When I cut my arm so bad I asked to have my room cleaned because there was blood everywhere. It made me die inside because my mom wanted to see it and I didn't want her to see it because I didn't want to hurt her having her see it. If I could change it I would have found a way for her not to see it. I don't want to be suicidal but it happens for one reason or another. As far as I remember I have only attempted suicide once. When they got me ready to pump my stomach if we would have gotten there a little later I would have died. I only remember parts of being in the ER and then I was transferred to the cardiac floor and woke up to being on a heart monitor. I don't remember the first 3 days at the hospital because I was in and out of consciousness. When I was finally awake awake I remember seeing Face and Bruce and my "Amy Sitter" I had to have someone in the room with me because of trying to commit suicide and if I went in the bathroom I couldn't completely shut the door. the scariest thing was when I was finally able to get up I couldn't walk. It scared the fuck out of me. I had to be held onto so I wouldn't fall. Sometimes I do well. I stopped smoking for a while and I started college and in my English class I did above and beyond and my professor had got me a special letter explaining how well I did and it was some special office and in that class my final grade was 98% and my first and second year in college I had a 4.0 and then had another breakdown and had to stop going to school. I'm having the usual problems with me of not taking care of hygiene and I end up not doing a lot and partly because of my chronic pain but it's hard feeling like shit like I have been lately. I am trying to push myself to get better and I hope I don't end up back in the hospital but things are so difficult I am doing my best. Hopefully I will get through this soon and get back on track. I was doing well then I backslid and came back. So I am going to try again and hope this will be the past and hopefully get back to where I was and try and get myself pieced back together and my goal is to go back into college, quit smoking again and get back to where I was when I was doing well.