Glutton for punishment?

So I was head over heels in love with the guy I was with. I was in denial about how bad our relationship had gotten and I was happy with him but he wasn't happy with me. He took a video of me going down on him and I had no idea he did because I keep my eyes closed when I do it. A friend found out he posted the video to a porn site. I have never been betrayed on a level like that before. After we broke up I was doing a lot of thinking about things. I sacrificed a lot being with him because I had to set aside a lot of time and money to be able to see him and I couldn't afford to see my people because I couldn't afford the gas and was in denial about being depressed. I was depressed because my relationship was falling apart and I pulled away from all of my friends and I barely left my house. I also decided to tell the girl I have been in love with for years how I really felt about her. She is my brother-in-law's best friend and she lives 60 miles away from me. She is the only girl I have been with, I have dated many girls but we never got busy, but this girl I have been with a few times and I fell in love with her and hated seeing the losers she was with and it killed me to see her with guys and she said she would never date a girl because of all of the drama. I never heard back from her because I sent it in a message. I am not sure if I did it just to get it off my chest or if I expected more. I thought I just had to tell her because I didn't think anything would come of it because I was almost completely positive that she didn't feel the same about me. So I sent another message asking if she read it and she said she was thinking and then made an emoticon sad face and said she was sorry. I guess that was her saying she didn't feel the same. I am kind of confused, but I don't want to send another message saying I'm confused so I'm just going to leave it alone and if she says something ok but if not I won't make a big deal about it. 

I have been staying up late a lot but a big part is anxiety. I want to get my tubes tied and I have an appointment with my gynecologist on Monday to discuss my options. I am also nervous about things that have been going on lately. 

My mom wants me to cut my hair really short again telling me again that I look good in short hair which makes me think she thinks I'm ugly in long hair. I don't honestly think that she thinks I'm ugly but she won't give it a rest. My hair is in the middle of my back and I like my hair long. I do need a trim but I'm not hacking it all off again, with the short hair I feel like less of a girl and I really don't like it.

My psych meds are way down: Depakote, BusPar, and Latuda. Just 6 psych pills a day now and at one time it was 23 pills a day. I have already done so much better with my hygiene and when I lose my temper I apologize now. I have been sleeping better and I am getting out of the house more to visit my friends. I try not to stay up but I get so nervous and scared sometimes I just have to stay up. 

I got pierced on cousin John's birthday. Rook on both sides. I lay on my left side and the first night I was ok but the second night my left ear hurt like hell and now the swelling is way down but the right ear hurts and its so swollen I hope it goes down soon because its bugging me. I have one or two more piercings I want to get and then I'm probably done with piercings. Tom still had my drawing for my Sevenwaters tattoo and I sent him an email for some of the changes that I wanted. After all of my bills, buying a carton of cigarettes and buying some canned vegetables for meals (I never feel like we have enough so I bought a bunch.) I also got a lot of fruit because my mom doesn't really tend to buy much and canned fruit as well. After all of that (luckily I was able to post date or pay my 3 credit cards, phone bill and odds and ends) I have just enough for my tattoo and I hope it stays that way because I have waited a year for that and I think I have waited long enough. I really really hope I can get it. My goal is to send my leg piece to Juliet Marillier's fan site and show her my tattoo. I was at a Border's with my mom and the paperback cover caught my eye and judging that book by the cover is what got me back into reading. My mom bought me probably 3 copies of that book because of how many times I read it and how loved that book was. I have it on my nook in cases of emergencies but I always have to have a paper version of that book because that one I have to feel holding it. I'm going to love having that on my leg. It's probably going to be another 7 hour tattoo but so very worth it. It might take me all year because I won't be able to get it done all at once. 

Crissy gave me some of my books back and I took some of mine from Jess. I wanted a count of what I have. Crissy's ex had one of my books in paperback and she said she would replace it but I decided for that series I wanted them in hardcover and I was lucky and they had the one I was missing in hardcover so I told her not to worry about it, now I have the whole series again. I also found The Lords Of Salem by Rob Zombie and I had no idea it was a book so I grabbed that one too. There are a couple books I am preordering like the last Mortal Instruments book. Some books I have on my nook and on paper. Its easier to travel with a nook instead of 20 actual books. I had to cancel some preorders because of my cards not having enough but I will be reordering them when my cards get figured out so I don't miss out on these. 

I need to go to sleep soon. I have to have better hours to keep on track. Thank god my appointment on Monday is late afternoon.

Peace out blog.