Overwhelmed.

So my grandma is in her 90s and she has lived out of state for all of my life after I was one. We (me and the 'rents) have lived here and it's also the house my dad grew up in. He is talking to my mom about the house again. Buzia is coming into town next month. For the past few years, except last year when a cousin of mine died. The house pretty much looks like a step down for hoarders. I think we have laundry baskets in every room but the bathroom. Someone will wash clothes and they get left and forgotten. I almost bought socks a couple days ago because I couldn't find any. Some things have changed with me, and lately I haven't noticed what has been happening to me. I kinda stopped eating and I lost 20 pounds. I am not hungry pretty much all day and I sit and try to remember if I ate that day or not. Last night I had some easter candy and then just pop. I am getting afraid of things again. Hygiene is a problem and sometimes the meds. My illnesses are so severe I am scared if I was able to move out financially I wouldn't be able to do it mentally. I had a nervous breakdown in my early 20s and in a month and a half I will be 30. I never complpetely recovered. I met an amazing man a year and a half ago and I tried to be as upfront about my illnesses and we have (possibly had...) a weird relationship where we don't use the title but we are faithful to each other. I don't have enough money to see him more like I used to. We get one night a month to be together. He has helped me think I deserve to be with a good man. I have been beaten down so much I dated for the companionship and most of those people were assholes and they would degrade me and I thought I wasn't good enough and I just basically felt like a whore. I have been hospitalized 8 times, one was a suicide attempt, the others were suicidal thoughts and cutting. I did a 180 2 years ago and did things around the house, took college classes and had a 4.0 GPA. Then something happened and I regressed. I am scared of night again. I haven't taken my night meds. I have been up roughly 19 hours. I'm cycling and I didn't stop it in time. So much is being put on my shoulders that I can't function anymore. My guy was trying to help me and I pushed him away. He said he had never seen me this depressed and that I had to go back in the hospital and that he would wait and I should go get better. I thought he was out of his mind. I didn't want to go back and be locked up for roughly 2-3 weeks. I fucked up and have to wait to get my insurance back so I can get my tubes tied. Just dealing with that part ruins me. All I ever wanted was to be a mother. I don't want to put a child through what happens when I cut or talk about dying because it would make everyone else's life better. I hate being wrong but he i right. I should be sleeping right now but I am getting manic. I am trying to stretch a couple days without telling my parents, when I see my doctor she will call and say I am on my way so I will get to the back of the ER and not have to wait to get a bed. Usually I am there quite a while before they take me upstairs. I feel like I am getting more manic with every second. I have to do it this way or I won't go. They never give me enough medication to get me to sleep so I am up most nights trying to write with the little light that i have and I get little sleep there. about 2 months ago 3 people thought I should go in the hospital. I was mad. It feels like whenever i ahve a problem everyone thinks I need to be hospitalized. So many horrible things are happening and I thought I could pull through it but I was debating on cutting and I haven't thought about that in years. I will probably end up doing it before I go in. My guy told me that was his line and it I cut myself he was out. I pushed him away so he is probably out anyway. It is hard to maintain a relationship with such distance. I went 3 months without seeing him and I use to come over on the weekends. The one good person I have ever known and I push him away. There is a show with a woman with bipolar who has problems with med compliance. I don't want to go to sleep. I want to cut. I want to normalize. I was doing well but it always leads back to te meds and forgetting if i took them that day or not. I haven't been manic in a long time. I have been depressed for a few months and one incident was a past ex derading me on the internet. I have been trying to fix me forever. It got very bad as a freshmen in high school and for over 10 years I have been trying to win the fight. Mental illness is on all sides of both sides of the family. My brother tried to kill himself last year and he was drunk and took all of his pills (when he first attempted he did that too) and he said he called me because I would understand because I had done it before. I almost lost my brother that day. He was hospitalized probably 7 times between July and December of last year. They had to wait in the driveway because he wasn't stable enough to have it moving and he was right by a hospital. He and I have always been the most sick. My parents don't tell the family and I used to think it was a pride thing like they were ashamed of me being in there. I told them later that I wanted people to know. It's fucking boring in there because of how much free time there is after a week I just want to get the fuck out of there. My inactivity has fucked shit up: hips, knees, ankles, feet, and back hurt almost all of the time and the vicodin isn't helping anymore so I am looking into psychical therapy. I am afraid of the hospital bill I won't be able to afford because I don't have my other insurance. I started writing my book. I thought it was going to be harder but I have ideas. I have only 8 rough pages but I have more ideas thaan I thought I was going to have. Those pages didn't take that long because I was almost always typing. I think I am going to go around Wednesday. It depends on my blood test I need to take to see if I have liver opr kidney damage. I am so tired right now but I don't want to sleep. I keep thinking I could stay up forever. I have kinda planned cutting and I am trying to avert my attention to it by thinking about the girls but sometimes thats not enough. I might want to do it because it will push him away more and it will be over and I will have sucessfully fucked that relationship beyond repair at that time.