3 years

so tired. haven't been sleeping well lately...i guess it's too much reading, taking vicodin, school, stress, forgetting meds, missing appointments, deciding on getting the birth control implant and getting my tubes tied, missing my girls, feeling pulled in every direction, losing steam for classes, worried I am going to snap at Jesus freak, wanting a mix of vicodin and xanax and eventually falling asleep after having to take sleeping pills. I'm lonely, still don't know what/who I want. I wonder if I will ever be content again. I was happy in the fall and then content and doing so well. I don't even know how to get back.

:(

I will never be a mother. I wish my life could have been different.

4 years, Luv

I don't even know if I could sleep. I took a sleeping pill so I hope it works. It's been 4 years. Jessica let me ramble about you early this morning. She ended up going to sleep around 5am. I just wanted to talk about what I remembered about you. I remember moving your keyboard while you were laying in front of the computer and I would hug you and just feel comfortable that you were there. You would sing to me and hug me, and there was nothing more important than that to me. At times I wish that I would have been able to get medication through the county like I was able to in my own (Macomb) county. But if things wouldn't have happened the way that they did, you and Chuck would have died in that apartment. I never wanted you to be alone, but I was also so scared seeing you. You having a trach and trying to pull it out. I still think of you writing on that piece of paper that you said the hospital staff was trying to kill you. I didn't know if you were hallucinating or if you were just scared or what. I wish that I could have been stronger and been able to see you more and I still regret not knowing if you had any final wishes. I told your cousin that you didn't want to be buried in a piano box, but you told the momma that you were afraid that getting cremated would hurt. I hope what I did was right. I wish I knew what happened to your ashes, I would like to hope that Dawn has them. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. I think of things like that you never got to see the series finale of Smallville and weird stuff like that. I would like to have hoped we would have still been together. but who knows what might have been. Tony wrote a nice sentiment about you on facebook. He's naming his son after you and his uncle. He said he is going to call him Hank, it warmed my heart. I hope today passes without incident, if the baby is born today it would be wonderful. I think I'm gonna take another sleeping pill. I think that's the only way I will stay asleep. I think that we would still be together...but maybe that's wishful thinking. I love you Henry Louis McCaul. My life was/is better for having known you. Farewell my Luv.

aleays dancing the line...

So I went nuts again. I didn't do anything stupid but I missed appointments goalkeeper of my doctors and I didn't do much for weeks. I pretty much figured out that kids a re a no go. I can barely take care ofnyselfmost of the time. If I end up seeing someone it would be cool if they already had kids. Or not at all. Plus my med that keeps me the mist sane causes birth defects and I don't think ishould have to put a child through that,and growing up I mightbe inane out of the hospital... I am planning on dating, I don't think imready for a relationship anyway.as long as my plan still stays im going to be busy going to school full time ins coupleyears. God it sucks typing on mynook, my ocd will make me fix the mistakes later. I think about fred a lot, I hope he is doing alright over there. I need some time to myself and I think that if I don't have a lot of homework I plan on reading the hunger games...im almost 80 pagesin I think. I think I am going to start reading the bookcase that is full of books. Glad that I have a bunch that I haven't read yet because I wont be spending much lately because of how much in debt I am. I amhoping to have it all paid off in a year. Since I am going to chicago to watch julies house I plan on using that money to get either my next tattoo with it or mom's. Maybe the julie money will be hers and then I can get mine around my birthday. The paper that I wrote does t feelright but today is just peer editing so I wonthave to have it done until Wednesday. Im hoping I havelearned enough coping skills to stay ok for a while. The last timeout was in the hospital was lastyear I think. I think I have learned all that I could from that program. I just hope I never get suicidal again, there is nothing more s carrier thanthat. It helps that I feellike I have something to live for, I feel that my life has meaning now. I am getting good grades asfaras I know, she is going to tell us what our grades are inthe class to right. I am excited to see how well I am doing. Ok, back to trolling the interwebs.