So much to do

I am still up at 4:30am and I need to get to bed so that I can do all of the things that I planned since I was out of commission for a week due to being sick. I am still sick, just not as bad. Last night I went to urgent care and the doctor prescribed cough syrup with codeine, 12 hour sinus pills, amoxicillin, and motrin. I didn't get the motrin but after taking the rest I got comfortable and hoped for an easy night. After finding out about my mom, and finding out about my sister's misfortune I wasn't in the mood to be awake, but my body had other ideas. I was told to increase my fluids, but every time I would swallow it felt like I was swallowing knives. It hurt so bad I was sniffling all night. The pain didn't go away until the morning and I didn't wake up until almost 8pm. I have set alarms so I hope to be awake to finish all of the things that I planned on doing.

I feel bad about mom. Maybe she would have come to me if I was having a hard time not smoking. I honestly think about it once or twice a day but not craving, just thinking. I am so disappointed in her for not saying anything and going back to it without talking to us about it. I wish she would let me be there for her and talk to me! I am afraid that I am going to lose her. The procedure that she has to have done is worrying her because it's one Grams had to get and it's on both sides of her neck, but it's important to live so I don't even see a choice. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I don't think I should ever try to be. I would have to go off of medication and might become erratic or have serious problems. I almost wish I could have a surrogate, but that is insanely expensive and no one is going to let me adopt with past suicide attempts. I always go back and forth on the kid issue but now that I am single I don't have to worry about it but I also think that I should stick to this idea because I think that it would he in everyone's best interest.

Ok, now I think I am going to wander around post secret before I go to bed. Hope I get most things accomplished when I wake up.

Wtf am I gonna do?

So the Face brought it to my attention that mom has been saying for 3 days that she was in walgreens and she was worried mom started smoking again. I haven't been able to be by her a lot lately. I've been sick and for the most part trying to keep to myself. Anyway the Face said that one day she came over and she said that mom smelled like one of her air freshener she used to use to disguise it from people before. I noticed, now that I'm looking for it, that she has also been sleeping on the couch...my point in all of this explanation...I decided when I got home from getting prescriptions for this horrible sore throat that I have had for a week, and after hanging out at Gram's house with the girls and Fred...anyway I decided that I was going to look in her purse to see if she was hiding it again. I found a pack of cigarettes. I told her when she felt that she wanted to start again or was having cravings that she should talk to me. I know it's different for me because I am not having a hard time with it, but I could try to help. I love her and I don't want her to die and I am worried I am going to lose my mom because she is being stubborn. It hasn't even been a month and she is back at it. What do I do? I'm so scared. Dad even commented that he thought she was probably back at it. My throat feels like I'm swallowing knives, so I am going to watch some tv and maybe pass out. I am so disappointed.

Yay and nay

So tomorrow it will be a month since I stopped smoking. I am proud of myself. I think about it once or twice a day but almost always in the "wow I used to smoke sense." I hope my want for not smoking lasts because I know a lot of people who smoke from time to time and I don't want to do that.

Mom had her second heart attack a month ago. I am worried about her. She has to get a procedure to get the blockage out of her neck, 80% blocked in both in the neck. I am probably taking her because she can't drive to it and I am glad because that gives me more of a reason to be there. It is going to be during the first week of the year. I hope everything is ok because I am scared something could happen. She said that when Grams got it done her neck was all bandaged up and she ate her lunch and them threw it up, I'm guessing from the trauma :( I just hope she will be ok.

So I took my final and it was super easy! I was worried for nothing. Well, I think so at least. I tried to log into angel and get my grade, but I couldn't get it to work and it's making me mad because I don't know what to do to get them. I think I will ask John if he knows what I could do.

Jaymie, Fred, and the girls are coming in tonight. I got a text a while ago that said welcome to Michigan so they will be here shortly. I miss my girls, but I have been out of sorts and it hasn't helped everything that has been going on. It sucks because it's the holidays and it's like I don't want to be by anyone and I just want it to be over. :(

I got a lot of trash out and stuff for good will that I have to take in tomorrow and take expired pills to recycle and take the plastic bags in AND I have to finish laundry. At least I got all of my presents wrapped.

Gotta go, I missed a few things to add but I gotta text people back and tv is calling my name.

So not in the mood

I don't know what the reason is, but I am not feelin it for the holiday season. I don't want to be around anyone and any preparations towards anything is always being thwarted. I am done buying what I need. I was planning on getting something extra for my mom, but I have decided fuck that. All she has done this week is piss me off. She sits on her ass when she gets home until she goes to bed and any attempt of me trying to better this house isn't even appreciated. She should feel lucky that anyone would want to help her with her hoarding problem and HER shithole of a mess. I can wait until I don't live here anymore. I hate it here and all it does is depress me and yet again something no one cares about except me. I am sick of all of this. I should just tell her to take back whatever she got me and just stay away from everyone I know. This has been a horrible season and I can't wait for it to be over. I hope my mood improves because I can't take much more of this.

Last day. Last minute studying!

I did study all week, but I could have done a better job. I still am having problems remembering how to study :0 it's sad but I...
In the middle of posting and the Face called. I have to go to school and face the music, I have a feeling I haven't retained anything :-/
At least it isn't a big chunk of my grade. Well, gotta run!

I feel like shit

I have been crying and my head is killing me. I had all week to study for my final and I could barely do it. I have felt horribly depressed and I haven't seen anyone really. I never really leave the house and it wasn't bothering me but I feel so alone and I don't feel connected to anyone and I should be asleep but I am scared to sleep. I thought I was over that but it had been bad the past few days. I stay up until I can't take it anymore and then pass out. I'm having a lot of dreams that I have had before and they are real odd and don't make any sense. I don't want to sleep! It's scary! I should feel proud I am almost done with my class and I am taking my medication and I am trying, it is just so hard. I wish I knew what to do. I'm going to read and hope that sleeping somehow gets easier

*sigh*

I tried to get up early today and when I got out of bed to go to the bathroom my foot came down on something and ripped the skin just behind the arch on my left foot. It hit a nerve and it was hard to put pressure on it and it sucked to walk. I finally get up at 9:30 instead of noon and I end up laying down so my foot will stop bothering me ;( I got up at what is the old normal of afternoon and I am so pissed about it. I just have to keep trying until I get it right.

I have been enjoying my nook! I finished Melissa Marr's Graveminder last night. I loved the story line and pretty much everything about it. It makes me sad because I don't know anyone else with a nook so I can't let anyone read it.

I bought the Post Secret app a few weeks ago. I was having fun making secrets on my own and reading what people had to say. It really passes the time easily.

Speaking of books, Clockwork Prince comes out in a few days and I am not sure I want to buy the book or the ebook. There is extra stuff with it and I'm not sure if it will be on the ebook. Decisions decisions.

So much to do so little time. I have been slacking everywhere and I feel bad about it.

:(

I am getting so mad at myself. Ever since mom went into the hospital, i haven't been waking up in the morning anymore. I was doing my beat and before this all happened I was getting up at 9 and was trying to get up at 8 instead :( I keep setting my alarms and still ignoring them so I have to figure out a way to get up and stay up!

My personal journey paper is due on Monday. I was proud of what I wrote and I am going to go over it again to make sure I did everything the way I wanted. I discussed my depression and how it has affected my life. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to write it because I do eventually want to write a book about my struggles and how it has made me the person I am today and I felt that the paper was a wonderful start even if I only write it for me it's something I am glad I did.

Mom and I have been talking about how we have been feeling about smoking. I haven't had many issues. It's been over a week and I have panicked twice about not having them anymore and wanting one. It's so weird but then again that was a twelve year addiction and it's not something that you can give up overnight and by that I am meaning the routine of what you would usually do to smoke. And I am meaning the habit of what was usually done. Like going outside to smoke after eating, it feels so strange to me that I don't do it anymore and when I go in my car to drive somewhere I roll my window down automatically.

I think I am going to stay up tonight and see Jessica. I haven't hung out with anyone in a long time...