I suck

After all of what went down last week I was having problems sleeping. So for the past few days that things were going bak to normal I keep not waking up when I am supposed to and haven't been getting out of bed until well after 1pm. It's making me very upset to fall back into bad patterns. :(

Surreal

It's so hard to look at mom. I keep thinking about how we all could have lost her. I thank God that my mom didn't die 5 years ago when she had her first heart attack, or this past week with her second and possibly third. She is the most important person in my life. She is my best friend. I know that one day I am going to have to bury my mom, I just thank God that it didn't happen last week. Especially since dad turned 60 on Sunday. I know that he doesn't care about birthdays, but losing mom I think would have hurt him horribly. I am not ready to live without my mom. Hell, I miss her when she is sleeping :(

It is a week today that I stopped smoking. Slightly after Mom's angioplasty I smoked the last cigarette in my pack and didn't buy any more after that. Mom seems to be doing alright as well, I am worried that she is going to go back to it. That's why I am happy I stopped to, I hope that she will lean on me when it gets too hard for her. I don't want her to go back to it and I hope I can help het so that she doesn't go back to it.

Stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped smoking weed. Take my meds every day and try to do my best. I try to pick myself back up when I fall and I am trying to do what is best for me. I am single and for the first time in my life, it doesn't bother me. I think that I am finally getting my life together. I am scared of falling, but like my closest have said to me, what's life but getting back up from your failures? Life is all about failing and getting back up and trying again. I have gotten back up. It took me 10 years to get back up from my illness and feel like I am finally living again. I am so scared of screwing up, but I think a lot of people feel that way and they get through it so I think I will find a way to do so as well.

Finally, life is worth living again.

Woke up late

I don't even know if I got up during any one of my alarms. I haven't had a chance to go over my chapter I have a quiz on tomorrow. I have been kind of out of it because of everything that is going on. I didn't get up until the afternoon, which really bugged me. I was doing so well. I hope I get up at my normal time tomorrow. Mom and I don't have group so I might be able too get other stuff done before I have to go to class. Mom seems to be alright and coping well enough. I saw one of her legs and the front by the pelvis area was completely black. It scared the hell out of me. I know it's because of the blood thinners that she is on, but it just looks so awful. So much to do...

Grateful

My mom had a heart attack last Sunday. She had stents put in and had angioplasty. I was insanely worried about her and while she was having the procedure done I was in the cath lab waiting room, listening to Justin Bieber, and drinking 3 cups of coffee. I was shaking when I took my first sip. I was going to wait in her room while the procedure was done, but a nurse said for me to go down and see mom before. I was planning on reading the easy way to stop smoking book. I had decided earlier in the year that this was my year to quit smoking. A lot of things fell into place and watching mom go through this again, after only 5 years, I knew I had to quit smoking. Since Monday I haven't smoked. I was the heaviest smoker that I know and stopping was easier than I thought it was going to be. I was so worried on thanksgiving when my mom went back into the hospital and had to get angioplasty again. It was an insanely hectic week and I am happy mom is back at home and I feel better about it as well. I am going to try and help mom stay away from smoking and try and help her figure out a better diet for her so that it can help with her health issues. She is in denial about a lot of stuff and eating is one of them. Her blood sugar was high almost the while time they were checking it. I don't want to lose my mom any earlier then I have to.

Barnes & Noble had lowered the price of the black and white nook from $139 to $99, and on black Friday it was $79. I had been saving up money for it and I sold my bag of pot since I stopped smoking that as well and I paid for mine with gift cards, cash, and a credit card. I bought Graveminder and got about 50 pages into it.

I fucked up my schedule again and right now it is 4:30am and I'm still up. I was reading in the tub and people are starting to get up and I am going to bed. I dont want to stay on that schedule anymore so I am going to try and go to sleep early when I get up today so that I can try to get back into a routine.

Off to bed I go. :( still makes me a little sad at times that I am not a night owl anymore. Oh well.

getting better

I was having a rough time and I still don't know what triggered it. I didn't notice anything, but it was Gram's birthday two days ago so I know that that has at least a little part in it. I miss her every day, just like I miss Hank. Oh, Tony and his wife Nicole are pregnant and they are naming their boy Robert Henry. That made my day, anything to help remember one of the best person I have ever known. It's hard thinking they are both gone. Before Hank I only had Greatie's death and I was always removed from that, I didn't see her all the much and it didn't hit me like it did for Grams or Hank. I am still pissed by the way that Hank's family stopped talking to me. I was never told why and it pisses me off I wasn't involved in anyway with a remembrance of him. That is one of the reasons that I got the tattoo. It hurt so much because of where it was, but I closed my eyes while it was happening and kept saying in my head that this is for you. This is how I will always keep you with me. The person who did my Hank tattoo asked me if I was sure, because of getting a name on my body permanently...and to this day I don't regret that tattoo and I don't think I ever will. Hank taught me so much and helped me with so much and even when I was sick while he was dying I visited him at least once a week. I never stayed all that long because I would have to see him on a ventilator and he would get so frustrated because I remember this one time he was scared, but he had a tracheotomy in and he wrote on a paper that he thought the doctors were trying to kill him, and I kept telling him he was safe and he got so upset he was trying to rip the tube out of his throat and I was so scared. I couldn't make him better and he was losing weight and I was, and still am, proud of him. He fought to stay here, I have one regret. Before the tracheotomy I wanted to talk to him alone I didn't ask everyone to leave. I wanted to ask him what his wishes were and I wanted to tell him I loved him and was hoping he would say it back to me. He only thought about other people. He had a heart of gold and did what he could to be awesome to everyone he met. He was getting to a weight that I think he would have been able to learn to walk again. It was so hard being with him while he was hospitalized. I remember when he was in I think the Toledo hospital it was a 2 bed room and I sat next to him and we talked for hours and someone asked who I was and he said my love monkey. God I love that man to this day. I will carry him in my heart until the day I die. Leaving Bruce and going to Hank, may make me sound heartless or that I didn't love Bruce, I did love Bruce, but he wasn't healthy for me, he was very immature and he mooched off of me for years, and the most important part was that Hank needed me. Bruce wasn't doing anything to better himself and he worked a total of I would say 6 months, at the most, of the almost 4 years we were together. Hank took care of me. I would cry because I wasn't on meds because I couldn't find a place to hekp me because I didn't have insurance at the time. I would move his keyboard and lay in front of him and he would hug me and sing to me until I was better. He was by no means perfect, but I loved him, flaws and all. Writing/talking about him always helps me do a little better and feel better about it, because reliving those memories makes me feel like he is still with me. I wish he would have told me things though. I don't know if I can forgive him about leaving me in the dark about things. Like I assumed he made decent money and that our bills were fine, but he went through most of his savings and I felt horrible that it happened because I wasn't working at the time and I wasn't on disability at the time, but even in hindsight, if I would have done those things and he would have just went on being the way he was and if I would have stayed, he could have died sooner, he could have died when Chuck did, because chuck died a month or two before Hank did. I just hope I bought happiness in his life. And I don't feel bad about leaving Bruce to do this.I had this feeling I needed to be in Hank's life. We were meant to be together. He needed me like I needed him. I still regret not spending enough time with him in the hospital but the last 3 or 4 months he was never conscious and I would ask him when I was in there if he knew who I was and he would shake his head no and I would tell him who I was and that I loved him and I would just hold his hand and it was so hard to bear I couldn't be in the room that long, it was a battle figuring out what to do, stay for 20 minutes not knowing what to do, or being at home and wondering why I wasn't in the hospital with him. The staff was wonderful. They would let me come in day or night and I couldn't sleep one night and I went in there and layed on the couch just so I was in the same room as him, that was probably the longest time that I was in there. Mom and Jeni had come with me to meet him and I am always glad that people even talked to him, friends and family. I would put him on the phone and have him meet like my sister or whoever and everyone loved him, at least that was the impression that I got. There was this one hospital room where there were two beds in it but he was the only patient in the room and I shared his dinner with him and sat and talked and talked and we even asked the nurse if I could sleep in the other bed since they weren't going to have anyone in the bed and I wish I could have just slept in the same bed with him. He would always do comforting things for me like patting my hair and singing to me. He did so much for me in the short time we got to know each other, but I wouldn't trade any memory for anything. I love that man more than words. I have gotten closer to some people I have dated, especially recently, but Hank and I had a special connection. Mom would go with me to the hospital when they would say that he didn't have much time left, and we would make the drive because I was afraid to make them on my own. We would stay for a while and we would leave with me not knowing if he was going to make it, and he kept fighting so hard I really thought he was going to make it. I don't blame myself anymore. Me leaving him in Lansing made him call a nurse to come in and get him checked up so that he could get the help that he needed, if he would have stayed at his house so many bad things could have happened. I did my best when I wasn't so paralyzed with depression, I would clean the floor with a carpet shampooer and have to change the soap and collection bin multiple times. I would wash his blankets and I tried to be the best housewife that I could be. On Thanksgiving, I made the whole meal, like the one mom made every year. I don't think I made apple pies though, I did make pumpkin! and I enjoyed it. We ate dinner around 1-2:30pm, just like at home, and after eating it was time so get a little frisky and then sleep. Next to my dad, Hank was the best man I have ever known. He had the biggest heart and the greatest sense of humor that I was always a step behind. I think about him a lot around this time of year. This is around when he started to get really sick. He had been in the nursing home that catered to the morbidly obese and I would visit him there, but he would either be there or at the hospital and after a while it was only at the hospital. Didn't know that I was going to go on a Hank rant today, but I am glad I did, because happy memories are coming through like I stayed at my parent's house for Christmas Eve and I got up because I was excited, just recently have I stopped getting my parents up for Christmas, but I also did it so that I could go back to my new home in Lansing. I remember getting early in the morning, and my mom had bought us some nice kitchen things that I left up there and I am still pissed  about it. Anyway I got home and gave him his stocking and his presents and he seemed happy. We only got to spend 1 year of holidays together, and he made me feel special about all of them. He bought mom flowers for mother's day and since I was visiting he sent me flowers, they were in a yellow smiley face mug and they were daisies, which are my favorite flowers and had a sweet card telling me to be happy. The other awesome time was around Christmas time and he bought me rainbow roses and the card said Happy Kwanza on it. Things like this I hope I remember for the rest of my life. To date he is the only man to buy me flowers. I love you Slore. I miss you everyday and hope you are with your Momma and happy.

The thing that sucks right now, I was seeing Eric and then he had to move to Seattle and we didn't talk while he was moving and when he did text me saying that he got there I blew up at him, I kind of baited him to ask, but I told him all of the things that were bothering me about our relationship and he said he would just leave me alone. Then I got a Facebook message from him begging me to forgive him and that we would find a way to make this all work and we were planning on moving into Fred's house, but then again shit got fucked up and he may be losing some benefits so he wouldn't be able to afford anything and he has broken my heart again. He doesn't understand that we both have invisible illnesses and with mine, I need to have people who can support me be around me and I need to be physically near people some of these times. He just says I won't compromise. I can't help that I am still ill and that I need help. If it wasn't for Mom, Jessame, and Face I don't know what would have happened to me. There are other strong women in my life but they are the most important ones. And I don't know if he noticed but it's hard to cry on someone's shoulder on the phone or give someone a hug on the phone. I love Eric, even with his past and his medical problems and all of his baggage, but I never felt important to him, in my eyes it seemed like that. I wish we could just stay in touch and just have him fly out for a weekend or something, but I think it would just hurt more in the end. So because of all of this shit, I am staying out of the dating pool for a while.

Well, there is five weeks left in the semester and I am pretty confident of getting a good grade. I wanted to do one class but instead I registered for two for next semester. I am hoping for Fall 2012 I can get into a ceramics class. I want to take art classes when I can, I love art, I just don't know how to do things, like I don't draw well so I would like to take a class to help me in that area too. So for fall I want to take 4 classes, and I feel ok with it because not all of the classes will involve books and stuff because books are fucking expensive. for next semester, two classes, $265 for books. I have to bring it up to my mom, I might just have to charge it because I don't really know what to do. I am a little nervous about having a class at center campus because I don't know how long it's going to take to get there and I am worried about how much gas it's going to cost.

I have been aware of what I am spending and trying to be better with the credit card situation. I saw a book lot on eBay for 8 books and the auction plus shipping was under $15. I couldn't pass it up and it was a series that I wanted to get into anyway so that was awesome, but even though I was keeping track of what I was spending, I went over my limit! So this month I bought Me's Christmas present and burnable DVDs, they were on sale for $25 and I saved $23 so I thought that was worth spending money on the card. I have to buy dad's beer. I planned on getting him 60 cans because he will be 60 this year. I thought it was a cute idea.

Since I am paying rent now, I am probably going to get food stamps, and that makes me happy that I will be able to contribute a little more as well. I thank my parents for all that they have done for me and I am glad that this will take some more worry off of their minds. I might end up trying to work sooner. I am still having the hygiene problems and some thought problems, but I am hopeful that things will get better for me soon.

Oh, and Breaking Dawn part 1 was interesting. I liked how they adapted some of the things in the book and was still able to me the correlation make sense. But being a bigger fan of the books there are parts that could have been done better, but the aspect of how the pack mind worked and about how Bella was paralyzed basically when the venom was burning her body on the inside I think was done very well. And I would just like to point out that I called it where they were going to stop part 1. I am just hoping that the last part is awesome, because the last book of the last book is my favorite so I hope Hollywood doesn't fuck it up.

Gotta get going. I want to do something today, I don't know what, but I should figure out something. I got up later today, I forgot to set my alarms and being out so late because of the movie kept me up a little later as well. Well Bloggie, until next time...

why can't I get better?

It always feels like I am taking a step forward and then two back.In a way I feel like I asked for all of this. I was sad when I was younger and my brother got sick just like I did, and he got a lot of attention and I thought it would be, I guess the right word is cool...But after going through everything that has happened to me, I wish I never would have made a foolish wish.

I live at home with my parents and I am 27 years old and all I wonder is if I will ever be able to live on my own. It all feels so hopeless because my mom asked me to help wash the dishes for her so she can make dinner and I am almost in tears because of it. I hate feeling so paralyzed by everything. I can't always pull myself up and get where I need to be. I don't even know if I can take a shower today. The closest thing that I have been able to come to that lately is taking a bath, but even in that I can't wash, I just try and relax.

I feel so bad because this isn't easy. I was doing so well until the season change. It just took everything out of me. I'm taking my meds and I don't know what else I can do.

I wanted to take a few more classes next semester, but I don't even know if I can handle it. I signed up for one, but it's scaring me because eventually I am going to have to take classes full time. I was thinking of taking a pottery class, just because it interested me...I don't know what to do, I don't know what the real answer is what I should be doing.

Maybe I just don't push myself hard enough. I had so many positive things in my head before but now I don't really know what to do because everything seems so bleak.

It's weird how you can know things, like I know I should take a shower, brush my teeth, go for a walk, things that recently I have been trying to do every day. It's just so hard for me to even leave my room.

It's even been hard to sleep normal hours, I have been going to sleep at about 6pm-9pm and staying in bed until I can't take it anymore.

It's like I don't have any will anymore. I am having the hardest time coming back from this one. I'm not suicidal, to that I am thankful about. If I were and I did something then I think that would kill my family. I really hope it doesn't happen because I really don't want to go to the hospital again.

Do I just have to try harder? What am I doing wrong? I was doing well for months and I can't do anything really. I just exist. That's it.

I just want to crawl into a hole and forget the world exists.

I don't know how to make this better anymore.

I keep running over past mistakes in my head. Something I have never been able to stop while I am depressed like this.

I just want to sleep...escape this because it's so hard to live like this. At times like this I would I would never have called Bruce and that I could have been left to die, but my parents would have found me and that's what makes me wish it didn't happen.