i wish i had a gun

what the fuck am i supposed to do? i feel so weird because i am in an odd situation. i wonder if i can even do this. i mean i don't want to get involved in his side of this, but at the same time i am asking him a lot to do. fuck! fuck! fuckity fuck fuck!! i don't know what to do. i wish i had an instruction book. i don't know what to do. i mean this is something i want, but am i willing to do anything to get it? am i willing to do what it takes? what am i willing to do?

ah!!

i wanna play plants vs zombies and i had to delete it and im trying to download it again but i'm not at home i'm at trixies so i think its going to take a while and i should have just kept it on here but i deleted it because i'm an idiot.

i got really down thinking about all of this and i don't know what to do. i was hoping i could just relax and not think about any of this but i am sitting in trixies trying to think of things to do and i don't know if i can think about anything else.

ahh!!!

i should get going. i guess. i don't know what to do bloggie poo.

i think i can do it. i don't know.

gotta go.

*eternal sad face*

*sigh*

i think this is a good idea but at the same time i am having cold feet. i think i am making the right decision. i hope i am.

i have talked to him and he said yes. step one down.

the next step is finding out when i ovulate and going from there.

i am going to start trying in the end of july.

i hope i am going to be ok without my medication for almost a year, or more depending on when i can get knocked up.

i found the bedding that i want to use and when its confirmed that i am pregnant i am past the first trimester i am ordering it. i would add it to my registry but i am going to register at babies r us and its not in stock there anymore so i am going to have to order it off of amazon.

i wonder if my sister is going to think i am stealing her thunder. *shrug* oh well if she does.

mwahahahahahah i am gonna be a mommy. scary thought huh?

kentucky

i have been in kentucky visiting my family. time to go home today. yay. a 9 hour drive *sigh*

*grumble*

I can't find an obit. of Hank that i bookmarked. it makes me angry. i don't know how to find it and its makin me mad.

i am thinking that i need to find a sperm donor. i don't want to have kids with anyone anymore. i guess i have abandonment issues because of hank and i just think that whoever i would stay with would leave me one way or another so whats the point. i donno. i have a lot of deep seeded issues when it comes to this crap and most of them started with my first boyfriend. they have all scarred me, even up to and including hank. (he's where the abandonment issues stemmed) i just don't see a point in trying to be with people anymore. i change whenever i get into a relationship and it isn't for the better. i don't like the person i become. i don't even know why do this. it doesn't seem conscious. *shrug*

i am back on meds again. i don't really think that i did it for the right reasons. i didn't really do it ....on second thought i didn't do it because i wanted to. it was more to make everyone around me happy. i don't like when i am on my meds but i don't like the depression that follows the mania either. and mania isn't half bad. haha. i would say that. *eye roll*

i have been reading a bunch lately. i am sorta getting back into watching tv again. some things are getting back to normal a little. i guess as much as normal as i can be.

i have a shitty ear infection. thank god i'm on antibiotics. i just hope i don't get a yeast infection.

*grumble* this isn't making me feel any better.

later blog..

i love you grams.
i will miss you always.

good night, good night.