Tell me what the point is again.

I'm outside smoking. Oh I didn't tell you that? I do that sometimes now.

Life has no meaning. On my pills off my pills I'm always sick. I don't want electric shock but that's probably where it's headed. If I live. I don't want to. It hurts so bad every day.

Pretty fucking bummed again.

In a horrible place in my life where I don't know what's up or down and I just want to end it all. I have no future, won't have any kids, and whether I die or not all I will leave is sorrow. I can't find anything to live for.

Horrible day, but trying to look on the bright side.

I was in Lane Bryant today and with girl issues and depression and just how things have been lately I have been having a rough time. My eyes were glassy by the time I got to the register and my mom was paying and the lady put her hand on my arm and I turned to her and she held me as I cried. The kindness of a total stranger. It restored my faith. Sometimes I struggle so much and I'm afraid to tell people because I don't want them to be scared. But it was amazing to have such a horrible day where not really anything went right and someone who I have never met took me in their arms to be my shoulder to cry on.

I feel left out (8/20/2012)

I never feel like people understand what I am trying to get at and they look at me like ok stupid and I just don't want to handle it anymore. I told Jess that I'm running away and in the beginning it was a joke, but things have changed. I have no attachments here and I don't want to be here so it's either leave or the grave. Kurt Cobain is always in my head because remember its always better to burn out than to fade away. Some random shrink will just throw pills at me and say this will make everything better and those people at the health department like that stupid bitch who does nothing for me, they are the answer as well. Over 15 years dealing with these illnesses and they think if they throw enough pulls at me I'll be ok...but if they throw enough pills at me that might be all I need to end it all. My life doesn't get better. Happiness is fleeting, but comfort and contentment are even few and far between. My depression is constant and I don't know if I can ever repair the damage to my self esteem.

People need to want to live to survive. To have it in you that, "I can best this." my head tells me the exact opposite. I try to talk to people and they just think I'm being dramatic. So I'm I'm this alone.

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and I just want the God and Goddess to call me home.

I can't play the bullshit games. I like a handful of people in my life, I have to fake "liking" "loving" the others. I just want to live by myself until I can't take it anymore and eat a gun.

If I told someone they would put me in a hospital and I want nothing to do with that. If I want to die, why won't anyone let me? Do you know my pain? Do you know what I feel when I wake up? If you did I don't think you would be judging me. What does me being alive solve? I'll break it down:

I have to be on disability because I'm crazy and I'm afraid to work because I don't think that I would ever last long

My family? They'll get over it. They got over Grams.

Friends, they either pretend to care, care but don't know how to help, or just don't want to talk about sad shit

I tried to reach out, most recently to Jess but she thinks smoking and talking about happy things puts a band-aid on a bullet wound. I need to talk through my sad, but I guess that doesn't matter.

I should be excited because I am going to beta king classes that I think that I will like but I have no excitement. I feel dead inside. I don't want to go to the hospital because all they do is throw pills at you.

Haven't I learned enough in this life? Isn't it time for me to come home?

I wanna be with Becky and I would like to do things but then again I really don't. There is no beauty in the world and all there is is hate.

I don't have anyone to go to. But how can I kill myself without someone finding me? That's what's keeping my from doing it. Someone will find me and or have to identify me. Does anyone ever think that some people just aren't supposed to live? What absolutely NO ONE GETS IS THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I would much rather have oblivion.

I have no purpose and there is no way in fuck I would live for anyone other than myself and I don't want that. People get over death.

No one understands how miserable I am. I DON'T WANT THIS.

I keep trying to find something to fill the void, been in therapy for years, took the fucking meds put in front of me, and for what? Nothing. Lectures about smoking pot when they should have been worried about my 2 pack a day habit. But everything is ass backwards everywhere.

I'm not happy and I can't tell you the last time I was genuinely happy or content. I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I just can't hold it's weight anymore.

My mother believes in hell and purgatory and would fear for me of I got there. I don't want a catholic or Christian funeral. I just want to be buried and have it all be over. I think the Goddess and God will understand. They made me.

I don't give a fuck about who I leave behind, they're lives will go on. I don't want mine to, I have no future and I want nothing more than this to all end.

I'm just so tired, Goddess and God, please just let me sleep.

Camping.

So it was decided that for opening weekend of Renaissance Festival we would camp. We got there an hour and a half late but we were able to stay for closing ceremonies, complete with the song. I did finally get a dress. It wasn't an Irish dress where there was the over corset dress and a chemise under it. I got a 3/4 (shutter) sleeve purple cotton chemise and a black velvety belt for the knockers. Almost to my chin and shit. There was a fiasco with the credit cars but it was fixed by the end of the day. Never got the soup bread bowl but I'm hoping for next time this year. I've been battling my emotions and trying to win at this point. It has been a rough weekend. I have tried to keep eating food food and mostly I have been eating junk. To me it's been perfect camping weather. Shorts during the day, Mormon at night. I wear this long sleeve, floor length nightgown my momma bought me and people crack jokes, but im the only one who doesn't wake up freezing. I also wear a floor length robe. I have most everything out of my system so-to-say. I just want school to start and get into everything.

It sucked I slept/was in the tent all day but I knew I wouldn't be able to shut my mouth so I said as little as possible. I would have liked to hike but it just wouldn't have worked out.

I don't know when anyone is going to get up but I want to relax before I have to get back to school and I have to go to Aunt Lynn's to pick up my keys so I'm on a damn schedule. I am not going to be late on my first day.

I don't think I should camp anymore. At least not with Jessica's friends. I've been uncomfortable and this has been a horrible vacation. I was even sad at Renaissance Festival.

I just want to go home and put all of this behind me.

I want fucking coffee but the pots are fucked up because why would anyone rinse it out or anything. So I have to wait until when the fuck ever someone else gets up.

Fuck camping. NEVER AGAIN.

School

It's almost here. Hoping to not make a fool out of myself.

Got very embarrassed when a vendor had to pull me aside because my card was declined.

X

I can't wait for this to be over

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

...

One for you good buddy.

One step forward, three steps back

I think I'm in like. <3 Becky and I have been talking for a while and we more or less made it official. I feel like we may have it right. I really really really really like her, and she me. I wanna hope she's the one. I am so horrible at relationships, but I know I'll love this girl.

That's not the shitty part. I'm not sleeping again. I'm getting depressed and scared about school. When you don't sleep you start to lose sight of what's real or if you're dreaming or awake. Everything gets jumbled and I can't tell what's up or down. I don't know if it's the bipolar that makes it all this way. All I want is to be good, but I'm not. I hate. I hate people who I probably shouldn't, even family. What kind of person does that make me? I am never good enough. I'll never make it through. I am so afraid I'm gonna kill myself and hurt everyone I love. I don't think anyone understands...somewhere I remember seeing/hearing you don't know how much it takes not to kill yourself. Some days I wake up and all I do the whole day is plan and think about how and when I'll do it because it hurts to breathe. I said that, that it hurts to breathe and all I heard was I was emo and being dramatic...I was being honest. I wish I didn't have mental illnesses. I hurt my mom. She probably didn't think she would have to help bathe her daughter in her 20s and I see the battle on her face if she thinks I'm not showering enough. I'm so scared all of the time. All the time. I have been on disability for...4 years is it? I don't think I will ever get off of it. Some days I feel like a free loader because I feel well that day or week but then I fall apart. It's gotten to the point again of never sleeping or sleeping all the time, most days I wake up and try and force myself to sleep more. I feel like not only will this war never be over, but that I'm going to lose.

I just want to settle down with a nice girl (Becky) who loves me (really hope it's Becky) in a nice little house or whatever, hopefully be a successful writer who helps people who have been through what I have, keeping the people I love still around, and grow old with Becky...I mean the hypothetical girl and wait for my mom to move in with me (hey, I know it's inevitable) and be actually happy.

I just want love and to be loved and to be happy. Why is an emotion to much to ask? Ok not happy, I want to be content.

God I'm probably wrong about everything.

Will any of this come true? The positive or negative...I don't know.

Goddess and God please let this little Wiccan lesbian have her little dream.

And let me be less angry. :)

I need to do something else. I hope I write more later.

I gotta go.

I wish I could still believe in Detroit...

I had a friend who lived in Hamtramck (over 5 years ago) and he wouldn't let me stay in his driveway long and he didn't want me picking him up at night. He lived by a boarded up police station.

There were days, back when, when Detroit was segregated with all of the nationalities. Ham-town was predominately Polish (from what I know) there's Mexican-town, and even surrounding areas like Dearborn, as a lot of people know by the tv show that city is a big concentration of Muslims. I wonder if keeping everyone separate was the problem. I know people want to live with who looks like them, but maybe this city wouldn't have been as bad (murder capital of the world and all) as it has become.

My mom told me of the days when the European women would get on their hands and knees and wash their porches. At one time people had such pride for this city. They kept up with everything and made it look nice....but now...back a little bit, few years, I knew a friend who lived around 6 mile and Gratiot. The neighbor was old and would masturbate on the porch in middle of the day.

How could such a beautiful city fall so hard? Why didn't we branch out from cars? I mean a lot of people think of the Motor City or even Hockey Town and a lot of people think of Murder Capital of the World. There is one of the spoof movies, a Scary Movie sequel that did War of the Worlds. When they were showing cities that were attacked they showed buildings on fire and such and they said something like this is Detroit and then they showed the aliens and they said this is what it looked like after the attack. We are a big joke. Granted I do not live in the borders of Detroit, but how many people know what I mean when I say I live in Eastpointe? (I still miss my town being called East Detroit, then I could say where I was from and people usually got it) I say it as a matter of reference, but I enjoy being from this part of the state and my mom being the walking fact encyclopedia I know random awesome facts about this state/city.

Dd you know that Detroit has the biggest single family dwellings in the country? If you have ever been here you will notice we don't have a bunch of apartment complexes everywhere, but we do have a bunch of houses.

There are so many beautiful places there but there are also places I won't go or I am very careful to go.

Did you know they might close the Detroit Institute of Arts? If you keep closing all of the amazing things there, who is going to move back? We have less than a million people living in the city and for years I hoped it would get better...I'm losing hope. We are full of drugs, crime, pros, violence, death, and I am having a hard time finding the beauty anymore.

But then I have to remember that in the bottom of Pandora's box, there was hope.

"...All my life I've been waiting for, been praying for, for the people to say, that they don't want to fight no more, there'll be no more wars, and our children will play, One Day..." #TeamMatis

Please get better Detroit. Let more people come to know and love the area where I grew up. I want before I die for Detroit not to be a joke to everyone. I just hope that my hope is not in vain..

Peace out Blog.

At a concert.

Matisyahu, The Dirty Heads, and Moon something. Not bad. Anyway I feel old and my back hurts. They are crazy under control here and busting people left and right. The security is ridiculous. It's making this a weird experience. I am getting old for this. I just want to sit down. I might find a seat soon. Anyway can't wait for Matisyahu.