*sigh*

I wish I knew where I was coming from. For the past few days I have been waking up and going right back to sleep. I woke up at around 1 today and went back to sleep and woke up again at around 8. It's just so hard. I feel like crap because I am literally sleeping my days away. I was fine when I went into therapy with mom on Monday, and school was fine, but Wednesday it started to suck and I ended up like this even though I hate it when this happens. I woke up extra emotional and I have been crying as I watch tv. It's little things too...I was looking at my nook and looking at the pictures on there and I was thinking, this might be the closest I will ever come to having children of my own. I know people are getting sick of hearing me say this, but what right do they have? They actually have children and I have to live vicariously through them. It kind of makes me feel empty. I wish I would get better at all of this. I feel like I'm losing the race everyday. Some days, like today, it's getting harder to get myself back up and trying to do it again. I feel like my earlier statement could be misinterpreted...If it wasn't for my Monster my life might have been very different. I had cut myself and been hospitalized for my depression and when I got out and went to Gram's house I ran and picked her up, it hurt because of where the stitches were but what hurt more was her asking me what happened. How do you explain that to a 3 year old? I felt ashamed and life became a lot different in that moment. To the best of my knowledge I have not gone past the initial thought of cutting since then. Mostly because I don't ever want to look at that little girl's face and have to figure out how to explain something like that...I haven't put a lot of pressure on me, too much might make you fail, but enough that it's something that barely crosses my mind anymore, and I have Charlotte to thank for that.

When Charlotte was smaller I was jealous. Charlotte is the kind of kid that I imagined that I would have when I had children. I love Diva and Ducky too, that isn't up for debate, but Charlotte is a girl after my heart.

My eyes are starting to water again. Its so hard to be me sometimes. I was doing so well at the beginning of fall semester and then it was up and Down for a while and right now I am in the down part and it really sucks because I don't want to be around anyone and I am sad and I can't figure out why? I have been taking my medication and trying to keep appointments. I am doing the best that I can. Sometimes I don't think it's good enough, but I set impossible standards for myself as well. I always think that I should be a certain way or something because other people do. I would go on Facebook (and before that myspace) and look at all the things people from my grade/class and start crying... graduated college with a bachelors degree and lives in California, wow. is married with two kids and one on the way. has a degree, travels, and loves life. I always felt I couldn't live up to any of it. Amy Kay, last job was about 7 years ago; lives with parents because she would not be able to make it on her own; gets hospitalized about once a year, wonders if she will ever make it in society; sometimes wakes up, wishing she hadn't. I feel so left behind and I think it's because I don't know anyone who feels like I do. I am the outcast/black sheep in this situation. I met a couple people who have been sad or they have mild depression where they take a pill once a day and feel fine...I am the opposite end of that scale. Well, not at the moment, I am on the other side of the middle at least. It scares the he'll out of me. For 1 my parents aren't going to be around forever and I could wake up one day and they could be gone and then I am a burden on other family matters...I am deathly afraid of working, but for my degree they said that I shouldn't work because of how in depth the classes are going to be. I don't want to work for 1 year and then not be able to work for 2 so I am kind of stuck not doing anything because of how this is going to play out. I am amazed that I am in college, that is my saving grace at the moment. I never thought I would make it because I dropped out of high school, I had it stuck in my head that no matter what, that would stick with me until forever because it's a label that no one could ever overcome. I regret everyday that I didn't graduate. I hope that I will graduate college, I say it this way because you never know what can happen. But if I do, I want to have a party, not for gifts or whatever, but just to say look at me! I graduated! I was able to go past what was thrown at me! I made it! I could do it! I would be able to look at my three "kids" and say, "Life is hard, and or me at times it was harder than most, but I did it! I ran through those obstacles and came out the other side a winner. You can and will do it because I have faith in you. You will reach your dreams because I have faith, and sometimes that's all you need."

I have to find the way to seek the positives in my life. I am thinking about making flash cards that I can go over so I have something to do when the days seem too hard to get out of bed. These past few days have been making me so sad, but some way I will get by. I will survive. Lol.

Well, I am going to try and find something to entertain me before I can go back to sleep again.

I just hope tomorrow is better than today was.