Progress...sort of

I am making it to all of my classes and trying to do the best I can on the work in class, but last night I had a panic attack because I wasn't prepared for class and I had to take a little bit of Xanax because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to drive to class. Even though I had problems when I got there because I needed to get to class on time because I don't know what is the best way to get to class yet, so I was late, well I though I was but I was on time but I almost got into 2 accidents on my way to parking. Thank god nothing happened. I finally relaxed web I got into class

Am I just confused?

I have had reason recently to wonder if my attractions to people are misguided. Maybe I am really not bi or straight. I might just be asexual. I only find certain things attractive in people. Like guys in general there isn't anything special that I am particularly attractive. I guess a face, but I tend to date whoever. It takes me time to be attracted to anyone. It's usually something over time, initially it doesn't matter who it is. But a girl on that matter, there are certain things. Butts attract me to them. Sometimes boobs. But I fantasize about being with guys because I don't really know what to do with a chick. But I think in the long run I would be happier with a girl, but...I don't know. It's all so confusing.

Getting better.

I am feeling like I am getting back on track again. I am rescheduling all of the appointments that I have missed and that always helps with my self esteem. I feel like when I have something to do I have a purpose for getting up that day. I am of the mentality that if you don't have anything special going on then I don't worry about some things like getting dressed or showering and because of stuff like that I fall into disrepair.

I have school techniquly today and I am happy I didn't have any homework because it was hard to focus this week. I still have to read a chapter in my CSS course and I haven't even cracked the book yet. I have to do dishes when I get out of bed and god knows what else. It helps to keep busy because if I am left to my thoughts in this house, it can be maddening.

Saw Shameless with Mom today...so not a show to watch with your parents. I like the show though, very interesting and crazy.

I was going to keep my refund money for renascence festival, but I was thinking about getting a tattoo or two for me and one for mom. I really want to get the one for mom so if I can pull it off I'd be very happy. I am debating on getting a tablet. I can't afford to get an iPad...but getting a nook tablet I think would be pretty awesome. It wouldn't have 3G or a camera or a couple other perks, but honestly I really just want it to see my Netflix movies on it and whatever I want to watch on YouTube. Whatever else I can pretty much do on my phone, so it's tempting to get it but I have a minute to figure it out. I was thinking about saving up for something but I don't really want anything that's more expensive or anything and I don't think I owe anyone money except my parents, but that's a million dollars so I don't know, maybe j can just give the
Some...I don't know.

Onto other things.

The bookstore closes early tomorrow and I want to pick up some supplies so I want to go there, but I would feel stupid gong there twice so I need to figure out a way to go without wasting gas. Hm.

I need to sleep!!! Hate that I have such a problem sleeping. Always either too much or too little.

I am on a mission to find Berry Voluntary Ben & Jerry's ice cream again. Raspberry cheesecake ice cream with white chocolate chunks & raspberry swirls! I don't remember where I got the one that I ate yesterday. It's making me mad because I went to most of the stores in the surrounding areas and I couldnt figure it out so I think the last place I need to try is walmart up on hall road.

I hate that one of my antidepressants is a dissolving pill. Bleck.

Off to bed I hope.

Oh Blog,

Sometimes I fear that you are my only friend...I guess that has to do with the fact that you don't answer...except when I am off of my medication :p see, you take it as a joke as intended. Other people would think that I was crazy.

For the past 4 days I have taken every pill that I am supposed to and I am hoping that I will be regulated again soon. It's been rough, especially telling myself that I shouldn't take them so I am essentially having an argument with myself. I just have to keep being in the right state of mind. It bothers me because I was making some headway with bills and I racked them up again. I will get there, I just had a rough month this month. One step at a time now.

I still feel sick. I am so drained I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I need to get sleep. I have to go to the campus bookstore so I can get the paper I need for my class. Fun fun. I hope I can sleep.

*sigh*

I wish I knew where I was coming from. For the past few days I have been waking up and going right back to sleep. I woke up at around 1 today and went back to sleep and woke up again at around 8. It's just so hard. I feel like crap because I am literally sleeping my days away. I was fine when I went into therapy with mom on Monday, and school was fine, but Wednesday it started to suck and I ended up like this even though I hate it when this happens. I woke up extra emotional and I have been crying as I watch tv. It's little things too...I was looking at my nook and looking at the pictures on there and I was thinking, this might be the closest I will ever come to having children of my own. I know people are getting sick of hearing me say this, but what right do they have? They actually have children and I have to live vicariously through them. It kind of makes me feel empty. I wish I would get better at all of this. I feel like I'm losing the race everyday. Some days, like today, it's getting harder to get myself back up and trying to do it again. I feel like my earlier statement could be misinterpreted...If it wasn't for my Monster my life might have been very different. I had cut myself and been hospitalized for my depression and when I got out and went to Gram's house I ran and picked her up, it hurt because of where the stitches were but what hurt more was her asking me what happened. How do you explain that to a 3 year old? I felt ashamed and life became a lot different in that moment. To the best of my knowledge I have not gone past the initial thought of cutting since then. Mostly because I don't ever want to look at that little girl's face and have to figure out how to explain something like that...I haven't put a lot of pressure on me, too much might make you fail, but enough that it's something that barely crosses my mind anymore, and I have Charlotte to thank for that.

When Charlotte was smaller I was jealous. Charlotte is the kind of kid that I imagined that I would have when I had children. I love Diva and Ducky too, that isn't up for debate, but Charlotte is a girl after my heart.

My eyes are starting to water again. Its so hard to be me sometimes. I was doing so well at the beginning of fall semester and then it was up and Down for a while and right now I am in the down part and it really sucks because I don't want to be around anyone and I am sad and I can't figure out why? I have been taking my medication and trying to keep appointments. I am doing the best that I can. Sometimes I don't think it's good enough, but I set impossible standards for myself as well. I always think that I should be a certain way or something because other people do. I would go on Facebook (and before that myspace) and look at all the things people from my grade/class and start crying... graduated college with a bachelors degree and lives in California, wow. is married with two kids and one on the way. has a degree, travels, and loves life. I always felt I couldn't live up to any of it. Amy Kay, last job was about 7 years ago; lives with parents because she would not be able to make it on her own; gets hospitalized about once a year, wonders if she will ever make it in society; sometimes wakes up, wishing she hadn't. I feel so left behind and I think it's because I don't know anyone who feels like I do. I am the outcast/black sheep in this situation. I met a couple people who have been sad or they have mild depression where they take a pill once a day and feel fine...I am the opposite end of that scale. Well, not at the moment, I am on the other side of the middle at least. It scares the he'll out of me. For 1 my parents aren't going to be around forever and I could wake up one day and they could be gone and then I am a burden on other family matters...I am deathly afraid of working, but for my degree they said that I shouldn't work because of how in depth the classes are going to be. I don't want to work for 1 year and then not be able to work for 2 so I am kind of stuck not doing anything because of how this is going to play out. I am amazed that I am in college, that is my saving grace at the moment. I never thought I would make it because I dropped out of high school, I had it stuck in my head that no matter what, that would stick with me until forever because it's a label that no one could ever overcome. I regret everyday that I didn't graduate. I hope that I will graduate college, I say it this way because you never know what can happen. But if I do, I want to have a party, not for gifts or whatever, but just to say look at me! I graduated! I was able to go past what was thrown at me! I made it! I could do it! I would be able to look at my three "kids" and say, "Life is hard, and or me at times it was harder than most, but I did it! I ran through those obstacles and came out the other side a winner. You can and will do it because I have faith in you. You will reach your dreams because I have faith, and sometimes that's all you need."

I have to find the way to seek the positives in my life. I am thinking about making flash cards that I can go over so I have something to do when the days seem too hard to get out of bed. These past few days have been making me so sad, but some way I will get by. I will survive. Lol.

Well, I am going to try and find something to entertain me before I can go back to sleep again.

I just hope tomorrow is better than today was.

Broken and still up

I should long have been sleeping. My ear is killing me and my lady parts hurt like hell. I won't be up early enough to get antibiotics :( maybe mom can get me up. I almost talked myself out of taking medication today...i have to get back together. God I hope I can sleep soon!

Something is always wrong

I don't know what my problem is but I feel like nothing ever turns out right. I am having a hard time lately and it probably has something to do with medication. I fucked up and missed all my appointments last month and I can't get anything together because I missed tuis month too. I keep getting up at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and it's driving me crazy because I was doing so well and waking up at like 10 in the morning and I don't know how to get back where I was. I feel like a child because I want a video game and I can't afford it but I feel like throwing a fit. What the he'll is wrong with me? I wish I knew why I was like this. God why can't I grow up? I feel so ashamed.

Clarity with the help of Type O Negative

I remember a time when Type O was all or most of what I listened to...driving I was thinking and things just come together some times and I was thinking that in a couple days it will be Hank's birthday...he would have been 38 and I still think we would have made it. I am happy me and B aren't together anymore and I still miss my love every day. In our ways, we just worked. I hope beyond hope that he isn't in pain and is safe. I know he didn't really believe in anything but I hope he is at peace. I am finally not angry when I think about him being gone...mostly. I accept that it had to happen and that we were not meant to grow old together. It doesn't mean I still don't wish we could have, I think I said that right. I have to go. I have to get back to living. Sometimes I just need a
Moment or two to fall apart and then pick myself up again...