i need to rant again. i feel so weird today its bumming me out. i dont understand why i feel this way, but there isn't much i can do about it so i am just going to have to find something to keep me busy i guess.
im stressing out about money again. i dont know how i am going to make anything work. there is always something coming up and i feel like i am never getting anywhere with it. just when i think i can start saving again something fucks it up and i end up just having to use it all. i feel like from these mistakes i have screwed myself because i am so far behind. i don't want to end up in the hospital again but i don't know how to fix this. i keep trying but some days its completely overwhelms me.
i have to get all of my pictures off of myspace before that goes under and i lose everything.
i keep saying i am going to get better and do more things, but i end up not...im so scared i am going to look back on my life one day and think that i could have done better.
i hate everything today. up is down, left is right, nothing is where it should be. i just wish i understood myself better so i could divert myself when things like this come up and i am at a loss with what to do with myself.
i am seeing more and more people getting married and having kids, i feel bad sometimes i am not at a better place in my life, but i am trying to stay away from that. who is to say that my life wouldn't be worse with whoever i was with and whatever situation it might have been. if i get there i do, marriage is hard even when its right, kids are hard all the time. but i don't know if its even right for me, only time will tell.
ever get the feeling of foreboding ? did i use that correctly? i feel like when i woke up this morning a dark cloud started to settle over my shoulders. it's eerie.
i feel like doogie howser. lol
a hoodie on in the basement and wanting to be in a bathing suit outside. i wish i was smaller and could wear a bikini.
i need to call someone or something. i need to just stop thinking because i am just being a crazy person and i hate that. blah.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
*sigh*
things have been getting better for me, but today i woke up with this feeling that something horrible is going to happen. i hate feeling like that.
i have felt lately like i have been doing things wrong. i have been messing up on my meds and i haven't been able to take them at the right times so it has been messing with me and making me feel weird. i keep feeling like people are mad at me, i can't really help it. i am trying to be better its just messed up right now.
i keep thinking im gonna fuck up this relationship with this guy. i have a lot of fun with him and we are taking it slow, but my craziness has to show up eventually and thats what i am worried about. i dont have many people to talk about stuff like this so it sucks because i really dont have feedback for anything unless i talk to Jessica or something, but i am still being weird about everything. i hate when i fuck up meds because that just screws everything up. i missed a doctors appointment so i dont even have all the meds i need. blah.
i am trying so hard to cut back smoking and somehow that makes me smoke more. i am sick of always having to go outside. its too fucking expensive. i just need to not do it anymore, its just such a hard thing, and then the worrying about cancer and everything else it just sucks. i want to be smoke free by the time im 30 just like Jess said, i just dont know if its going to be possible. i should have more confidence, i hope that it will get better and that i will be like no more and be able to actually do it.
i have been trying to talk to my friends lately and most of them have been ignoring me and making me sad because i am the one who calls. i have to be the one to make the first move every time. it gets very frustrating that i have to be the one to make sure we talk. doesn't that suck? i think so. blog you are so understanding ;p at least when i vent to you you don't bitch back ;p
i haven't went over on my damn data package yet. i have been crazy worried because of how much i am on my damn phone. i would really not like another $200 phone bill anymore.
i hate days like this because i feel like shit and not like me. its like someone else is wearing my skin. creepy huh? i wish more than anything that i never had mental illness. it has ruined so many things in my life. relationships and friendships and i have hurt so many people because of things that have happened while i wasn't myself. i wonder why this shit even exists. i shouldn't want to die ever, but that has happened more times than i could count. i hate it. i wish there was one pill that would take it all away, just take it once and you will be fine after. i get so frustrated because of everything that happens and i dont know how to fix it and when i feel like im feeling now that just puts me in a bad mood. i hope it will get better as the day goes on, but i dont know.
everyone who said they were gonna quit smoking is still smoking, its going to be so hard for me to quit since i am such a junkie.
i need to lose weight. i barely eat as it is and i think thats one of my major problems. last night i had i think 3 cheese sticks and about 15 fries and thats all i had to eat yesterday and i think i am getting malnourished. its so hard to eat now. i don't like anything i eat. after having xanax yesterday it was very hard to eat, and i really wanted the fries but they didn't even taste the same after a while. i want to drink like shakes or something to help me get vitamins and such because i am not eating correctly and i can't help it. its so hard to go out with anyone because no one wants fast food and thats pretty much what i can eat. my mom hates fast food and is constantly going out to eat and if i am hungry i try to go but i end up eating bread and its a very depressing situation. what the fuck is the matter with me?!?!? stuff like this makes me want to give up. its just so hard to function like everyone else does. but i think i wear my mask well...except when i have to run out of restraunts and smoke and calm down then i look a little stupid.
i am so pissed with myself. there are Juliet Marillier books i STILL haven't read yet and its making me mad. i wish i could get through the dark mirror. i just can't get into it. i really want to finish all the books i haven't been able to get into so maybe i will tackle a book or two today.
Fred is going to Afghanistan year and i am scared out of my mind. i am hoping that his unit gets called to do something else, if not i am going to be fucked up for a year wondering if my brother is going to be pulled off a plane in a casket. i hate this war. so many people we have lost and so many familys messed up because of all of this. i am glad Julie and Chris are in the navy and have the jobs they do have and that i don't have to worry so much about them. Even with Fred working in the type of job he has there is always risk. I hope the president pulls more troops and he doesn't even have to go. We still have a few months so he might not even go, but as of now he is definately going. *sad face*
my mom is acting weird. i hate when she gets into weird moods.
i was thinking about the "book" i was writing a few days ago. i wish i was better at character history. i have the ideas in my head but i can't put it down on paper. people always discourage me when it comes to writing because its so hard to get into. i wish i could just write all day. fuck that i wish i could paint all day. or both. i haven't painted in years and it takes so much for the start up its almost not worth it because it would take me too long to get all the shit again.
i think im getting sad. i dont know yet, the mood is so weird i dont know where it's going.
i'm going to another concert this week. i already went to sublime and 311. it was fun until we had to move. i was fine but Jess had to move and i had anxiety for the rest of the night. it sucked, but i was talking to Jess and I don't know where is going to be safe for Slayer. It kinda scares me because they are kinda scary. lol. It should be fun if its not a million degrees.
its so cold in the basement i have to wear a hoodie and then i go outside and melt. fuck this heat...im not going to be saying that in december, but that's neither here nor there.
;p
i'm gonna go listen to more hippy music and hopefully relax and not be a psycho today.
i have felt lately like i have been doing things wrong. i have been messing up on my meds and i haven't been able to take them at the right times so it has been messing with me and making me feel weird. i keep feeling like people are mad at me, i can't really help it. i am trying to be better its just messed up right now.
i keep thinking im gonna fuck up this relationship with this guy. i have a lot of fun with him and we are taking it slow, but my craziness has to show up eventually and thats what i am worried about. i dont have many people to talk about stuff like this so it sucks because i really dont have feedback for anything unless i talk to Jessica or something, but i am still being weird about everything. i hate when i fuck up meds because that just screws everything up. i missed a doctors appointment so i dont even have all the meds i need. blah.
i am trying so hard to cut back smoking and somehow that makes me smoke more. i am sick of always having to go outside. its too fucking expensive. i just need to not do it anymore, its just such a hard thing, and then the worrying about cancer and everything else it just sucks. i want to be smoke free by the time im 30 just like Jess said, i just dont know if its going to be possible. i should have more confidence, i hope that it will get better and that i will be like no more and be able to actually do it.
i have been trying to talk to my friends lately and most of them have been ignoring me and making me sad because i am the one who calls. i have to be the one to make the first move every time. it gets very frustrating that i have to be the one to make sure we talk. doesn't that suck? i think so. blog you are so understanding ;p at least when i vent to you you don't bitch back ;p
i haven't went over on my damn data package yet. i have been crazy worried because of how much i am on my damn phone. i would really not like another $200 phone bill anymore.
i hate days like this because i feel like shit and not like me. its like someone else is wearing my skin. creepy huh? i wish more than anything that i never had mental illness. it has ruined so many things in my life. relationships and friendships and i have hurt so many people because of things that have happened while i wasn't myself. i wonder why this shit even exists. i shouldn't want to die ever, but that has happened more times than i could count. i hate it. i wish there was one pill that would take it all away, just take it once and you will be fine after. i get so frustrated because of everything that happens and i dont know how to fix it and when i feel like im feeling now that just puts me in a bad mood. i hope it will get better as the day goes on, but i dont know.
everyone who said they were gonna quit smoking is still smoking, its going to be so hard for me to quit since i am such a junkie.
i need to lose weight. i barely eat as it is and i think thats one of my major problems. last night i had i think 3 cheese sticks and about 15 fries and thats all i had to eat yesterday and i think i am getting malnourished. its so hard to eat now. i don't like anything i eat. after having xanax yesterday it was very hard to eat, and i really wanted the fries but they didn't even taste the same after a while. i want to drink like shakes or something to help me get vitamins and such because i am not eating correctly and i can't help it. its so hard to go out with anyone because no one wants fast food and thats pretty much what i can eat. my mom hates fast food and is constantly going out to eat and if i am hungry i try to go but i end up eating bread and its a very depressing situation. what the fuck is the matter with me?!?!? stuff like this makes me want to give up. its just so hard to function like everyone else does. but i think i wear my mask well...except when i have to run out of restraunts and smoke and calm down then i look a little stupid.
i am so pissed with myself. there are Juliet Marillier books i STILL haven't read yet and its making me mad. i wish i could get through the dark mirror. i just can't get into it. i really want to finish all the books i haven't been able to get into so maybe i will tackle a book or two today.
Fred is going to Afghanistan year and i am scared out of my mind. i am hoping that his unit gets called to do something else, if not i am going to be fucked up for a year wondering if my brother is going to be pulled off a plane in a casket. i hate this war. so many people we have lost and so many familys messed up because of all of this. i am glad Julie and Chris are in the navy and have the jobs they do have and that i don't have to worry so much about them. Even with Fred working in the type of job he has there is always risk. I hope the president pulls more troops and he doesn't even have to go. We still have a few months so he might not even go, but as of now he is definately going. *sad face*
my mom is acting weird. i hate when she gets into weird moods.
i was thinking about the "book" i was writing a few days ago. i wish i was better at character history. i have the ideas in my head but i can't put it down on paper. people always discourage me when it comes to writing because its so hard to get into. i wish i could just write all day. fuck that i wish i could paint all day. or both. i haven't painted in years and it takes so much for the start up its almost not worth it because it would take me too long to get all the shit again.
i think im getting sad. i dont know yet, the mood is so weird i dont know where it's going.
i'm going to another concert this week. i already went to sublime and 311. it was fun until we had to move. i was fine but Jess had to move and i had anxiety for the rest of the night. it sucked, but i was talking to Jess and I don't know where is going to be safe for Slayer. It kinda scares me because they are kinda scary. lol. It should be fun if its not a million degrees.
its so cold in the basement i have to wear a hoodie and then i go outside and melt. fuck this heat...im not going to be saying that in december, but that's neither here nor there.
;p
i'm gonna go listen to more hippy music and hopefully relax and not be a psycho today.
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