Sunday, March 29, 2009
no more fb
he has just taken the last straw. fuck him, but not literally. omg i hate him and all guys.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
*sigh*
i have been having more fucked up sleep than usual. its like every other day i am up for like 20 hours (on average) and then i sleep for like 14 hours. then...its just crazy.
i am back on my meds, but meds aren't a perfect pill thing. i know that. but even with the help of the meds i am still down and having some hard times i don't really know how to deal with at this point. i almost want to go to therapy twice a week again but i can't afford it so i am just going to see how well i do on my own. i have been thinking about going into the hospital lately because everything is just weighing down on me. i guess i have to wait until i see what happens with court and everything else but i don't know if i can wait. it sucks with everything thats going on.
i have a few things to do. i am going to make a blanket for julie's baby, but i can't find my crochet hook. i am going to make a blanket that is similar to charlotte's but i am going with a different color scheme this time around. i have to get water for Adhesive. I did get a few things yesterday, i picked up a couple new books and one of them i am not sure if i like it or not because it was a different book than what i originally thought. i am still going to try and read it. i just have to get past this shitty parts.
i want to start drinking coffee again. i need to pick up creamer now that i think about it.
i should get going. i am trying to keep busy until mom comes home. i hope she feels like going with me i don't feel like going anywhere alone today.
later blog.
i am back on my meds, but meds aren't a perfect pill thing. i know that. but even with the help of the meds i am still down and having some hard times i don't really know how to deal with at this point. i almost want to go to therapy twice a week again but i can't afford it so i am just going to see how well i do on my own. i have been thinking about going into the hospital lately because everything is just weighing down on me. i guess i have to wait until i see what happens with court and everything else but i don't know if i can wait. it sucks with everything thats going on.
i have a few things to do. i am going to make a blanket for julie's baby, but i can't find my crochet hook. i am going to make a blanket that is similar to charlotte's but i am going with a different color scheme this time around. i have to get water for Adhesive. I did get a few things yesterday, i picked up a couple new books and one of them i am not sure if i like it or not because it was a different book than what i originally thought. i am still going to try and read it. i just have to get past this shitty parts.
i want to start drinking coffee again. i need to pick up creamer now that i think about it.
i should get going. i am trying to keep busy until mom comes home. i hope she feels like going with me i don't feel like going anywhere alone today.
later blog.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
hmm
its scott's happy birthday. i am baking a cake. i am feeling a little better today. i had a crazy dream last night. i am hot. ok not hot but i am awesome. i have Diego pants and hoodie and a Fangtasia shirt. and and and....nifty stuff. the pants are all tight and i like them because they fit! i found pants that fit! time to play wow.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Crazniess
i miss being younger. before depression/anxiety/bullshit.
i tried to get my mom to stay home today. i am at the point of craziness where i hate to be alone. i almost called the crisis center but whats the point. i have to explain things to them and its better most of the time with me now to talk to people who already know what is going on with me. some things are hard to repeat. some things are just hard. i keep digging myself into bigger holes and i wonder if i will ever get out. i do some things that make me happy but i always get brought back down to the hole. i have been on disability a little over 6 months and even people make me feel bad about that. i have to prove to people that i need it. i can't work. how can i work when i can't sleep (at times) and i end up staying up for 30 hours, sleep for 12, up for 6, sleep 18, up for 36. i can't think straight. i have problems dealing with simple problems. (ironic isn't it blog that i am explaining this to you but i don't want to call the crisis center, maybe its just because you don't talk back...see i'm not even making sense to myself) i am in debt close to 6,000 dollars. all my own doing and i take the blame for it. i have to. i lost my hank almost a year ago. god do i miss him. i don't idolize him like people think i do. i mean he was a straight up asshole at times. i mean there were times i wanted to punch him in the face. but i love him and always will. he didn't just love me, he cared for me. you don't automatically get that with people. i had respect, love, companionship, and so many other things with him. most fuckers wouldn't get past the 987 poinds...but there is so much more to a person than weight, and anything else people can be shallow about. i miss him. i know (being as things stood) that right now i could have called him and told him i needed to talk and tell him my feelings. he wouldn't have solved them, and i wouldn't have asked him to but he probably would have made me laugh. what more could you ask for? i want to have a baby one day. i know he didn't like the idea of children but it would have been nice to have his child, but i will never get the chance. i guess i am so content being alone relationship wise because i feel like i lost someone so important to me i am scared to get close again and i compare people to him. i feel bad i cheated on him. if i could take it back...i don't know if i would have changed it because me leaving him at the time got him into the hospital. but i think i wouldn't have been able to get him into the hospital in time, if ever. we never really talked about it but i hope he forgave me. it was hard watching him slowly die. every time i saw him i wasn't sure if i would ever see him again. i wish i could have told everyone to leave so i could talk to him before he got his trac. i was afraid and i kick myself for that when i think about it. i am his love monkey. he wasn't perfect, but he was good for me. i think of all of these problems i have now and i think of the good things...i have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, people who love me and are close to me...but sometimes even that isn't enough. it's hard to move on in so many senses of the word. i am afraid of/hate being alone. i strive for it at times, but its hard with what is going on in my head and i can't sort it out all of the time and i am left with everything swimming around and i have no idea what i shoud do or where i should go or what i should do with myself. mom says i should work on getting better. its hard. i have been diagnosed with bi-polar and wasn't sure thats what i had because i fit the criteria but i still wasn't sure until i went to my therapist and she said i was in a manic phase. i have been getting manic a lot lately. like i said there are some ups. i did lose 30 pounds and i can fit into tripp size 15! but with me the bad always outweighs the good. there is no silver lining most of the time. i am not close to my dad, he has a different personality and its hard for me to mesh with his i guess is a good way to put it but i guess he is worrying about me a lot, he seems to tiptoe around me for fear he might say something wrong. i don't know what mom tells him, but i guess its just enough. i feel so bad for my mom that she got stuck with a daughter like me. i told her that and what she said i will keep to myself for now, but i still feel bad. because i tell her so much about what is going on with me. i don't know if i should tell her so much. is that too much to tell your mom? what makes me feel so bad is when i have to tell her that i am suicidal. i have no idea what it must do to her knowing that one of her children wants to end their life. she told me something like she would never get over it if i did kill myself and knowing that its a little easier to push those thoughts away. i don't want to be on medication anymore. there i said it. i know i need it and i more than likely will stay on it but it alters me in ways i don't like. blog, do you know how hard it is to see a funny movie, watch it, think its funny, but can't physically laugh? i hate that when i am on this shit i can't feel many emotions. i hate that. i hate that i have to run through everything that has happened in 1 month to my med doctor in 15 minutes. i always forget important things and i kick myself for not remembering everything. when i see her next i am going to ask her if i can see her every 2 weeks from now on because it will be easier to tell her the things that are going on and i am getting worse. i know blog you don't have to tell me that i need my meds. but can you see where i am coming from? i feel like i am slowly killing my mom. my mom is pretty much my best friend. she knows pretty much everything, and not just mom things, she knows a lot. she takes on so much with me trying to keep me in line. i am going to be 25 this year and i only have a g.e.d. and less than a semester of college. there's larissa (went to school with her from kindergarden to 10th grade) and she has a degree and is working or there is elise, went to school with her too, she's in law school. the longest i have been at a job is a year and a half and i haven't worked in...*thinks* i think almost 3 years. i have been in the psychiatric ward at a hospital 3 times and may be working on a 4th. but i don't want to go because there will be hospital bills i can't pay, insurance only covers so much and what if the meds they put me on do the same things that these meds are doing to me. i hope i didn't over worry mom because i asked her to stay home. i know that we need the money right now because everything is fucked up with money but for the time being blog you are helping me not be alone. at least with you i don't feel like i am asking to much. maybe i am mental and this doesn't matter but i think at times what if i am not crazy enough to be on disability and they think i am faking. i will admit sometimes i...should keep that to myself nevermind. i have been mentally ill for so long that it doesn't even matter to count the years anymore. i am almost getting to the point where i have been mentally ill almost half as long as i have been alive. its hard to write things like this on myspace because i am afraid of the people who will read things like this. in a way i keep things on myspace very watered down. if i get suicidal again...back to that in a minute. i think i should call my therapist in a few and tell her i should tell her things that are in my blogs. i think that in some ways just talking to blogs is a little more effective at times. there aren't any interruptions unless i make them and i can get the thoughts out as fast as i can type them. i am getting to the point again where i almost don't have to look at the keys. 1 point for me! things are changing very fast. or maybe i am so unused to change that when it does happen its a very big deal to me. blog therapy helps in situations like this because i might not feel better that this is out but it keeps me from overthinking on one topic because i have so many things to get out that i don't last long on one topic and that helps to. i overthink everything and i don't know how to compare on meds or off because that changes. i'm also a gemini. and i think i am aa typical gemini in a lot of ways. i don't like that i am not religious anymore. its kind of hard that i don't know what to believe. i was catholic for the beginning part of my life, and at the time it seemed right, then wicca called to me. that seemed right as well. then i got conflicting views on what to believe and its almost like i gave up on religion. i mean i believe in god, but i guess loosely. i believe that there is something but i can't find a religion that speaks to me anymore. and its hard, especially growing up in a religious family. it's still important to me, but i don't know how to feel or what to believe and thats the struggle. i don't know where to turn. mom is going to take me to see father stan and i think i will bring up my feelings to him if i get the chance. hopefully he can help me straighten myself out. i have faith in him, he was always a good person to go to. "the pollacks are here!" god its cold outside. i am glad that i talked dad into cable internet and that he was so smart in getting a cord long enough. this cord makes it right outside so i can smoke with ease. thanks to the face's dad i finally found the last important hank song. i made another mixed cd with it on it and it makes me happy that i know what it is now. i know there are a bunch of songs i will never remember and artists i can't remember that he listened to, but these songs are important to me. i spent $200 dollars on the credit card. in a way it was the last horah. i pretty much know that because of how much the lawyer is costing. but i feel bad for it because my mom talked to me about it and she said that some of the things i got were frivolous. that made me sad. i didn't even really try to explain it, and even if i did i don't know if she would understand. i feel bad because she did say that i should get some pants for court and i didn't even do that. i feel stupid because with all the money that i did spend i could have easily gotten pants, i did forget but i feel stupid, almost useless because it was a simple thing. i did remeber when we were going home but we had to get home and i figured we couldn't wait for another stop. why is it blog, that no matter what i do it will never be good enough in my eyes? is it the illness? is it just me? i am still torn because i wasn't physically there to watch hank die. and thats not even because of me. its because of his damn cousin by marriage. i know that he had nurses, on both sides of him holding his hands as he slipped away from all of us (or so i was told, but i hope to god it was true) but that fucker actually made me feel bad. i know that its heartbreaking that no one he knew was there when he slipped away, but did anyone ask me if i was even capable of being there. i might have went on a killing spree. my hank would have been going and how could you ask someone to be there, and do nothing mind you, just watch the person you loved slowly stop breathing. but no i am just a bitch because i wasn't there. i think some things happen for a reason. i think i wasn't there for a reason. i know that if i had to drive down there and watch it all happen i probably would have ended up in the hospital because i probably would have gotten into an accident driving back home. i was never contacted on arrangements and maybe because i am a bitch and wasn't there. it doesn't matter i drove an hour there at least once a week and stayed with him as long as i could and hugged him before i left every time and told him i loved him, no i guess that doesn't really matter. or the other times i was called in the middle of the night and had to stay at a hotel and wait for the phone call that he was gone. or the time mom and i "bellied up" to a bar for a drink because it was for sure that he was going to die and we had a drink and toasted (wrong word?) to hank. i can't find my pinecone from that day and i hope i still have it. thank you for thinking of that mom. i hope i can find it. *backstory* we had the drink at the bar and i asked for the bottle because i wanted a memory, maybe morbid but i wanted something and they wouldn;t let me take the bottle. i got a little bummed and mom and i went in the parking lot and she gave me a pinecone and said here, you have a memory. since he didn't go that day, i would look at it and feel hope. there were so many times he wasn't supposed to make it through the week/day and he pulled through. and i am so sorry hank but after a while i lost hope. i wish i didn't have to watch you pull at your trac tube, or ask you if you even knew who i was and you nodded no. i hope that you know i still love you and you will always have a special place in my heart that only alhzimers can take from me (tried for some of your comedic flair there) god its so cold out here, well i have been out here a while, but i am wearing chucks and my toes are still there, even if i don't feel them.
that is the first and last picture of hank and i together. there are so many things that were cut short and things that are never going to happen. i, we were robbed. things will never happen for hank again. he will live on, but probably until me and his family die, then people will never get to know what a person he was. and i only got to know him at the end of his life. i am glad i was there for that and even though all i went through that last year. i wouldn't trade it for anything...exceot if he was still alive. i thought at times god should have taken me, all i do is cause problems for people and i feel like a burden. hank gave with all of his heart. not for glory, not for fame, because he was a good person and didn't think things he did were worth praise. he did it because he was a good person. i hope that for the rest of my life, no matter how short or long i hope i can live up to the person he was. saying all this blog you may think i idolized him, thats not the case. i know he was a dick at times, but does that mean i have to say he was a dick at times? not really. i choose to remember the happier times. although the time he threw the plate...i still want to smack him for that. but the good outweighed the bad. in the end, thats what counts most. took me a minute to find that picture. i couldn't figure out where i saved it to so i had to get it off of myspace. there are some people who might look at hanks ppictures and make fun of him, even my friends on myspace, because people are dicks and my pictures of him are private becasuse fuck all them if they are that much of assholes. they are for me to look at. this picture doesn't show his weight much so i don't feel uncomfortable posting it. and its a very personal picture, but i can share it with you blog because you don't judge. people have helped me through this year, and without my friends and my mom i don't think i would have been able to get through this year without them. i think about moving on but its hard to let go. i don't accept change very well. i think if i let go it means i feel less. i have to get over that because in my head, as fucked up as it is in there, i know that its stupid. but it's hard. so many things are hard. i try, but at times i know i could try harder. i don't always give it my best. like right now, ok not right now, but close to now, sometimes its easier to give up/in to the situation. i have other things to say so many other things to say. i didn't really want this to be a hank entry but i should get going soon i have been out here for about an hour and like i said it is cold and it is 6:30 in the morning so i should attempt to sleep soon, so not much longer then i will be going inside and saying goodnight, hoefully, blog. sleep is a good topic next i guess...i don't like sleeping. i think it's because when you go to sleep you are alone and i hate being alone. ok but then i like to sleep during the day because people aren't here and i get scared/lonely so i try to sleep when everyone is going to work so that i won't have to be awake and be alone but i hate sleeping too. its nice not being on meds for that reason. i think sleep is such a waste and when i sleep and i'm on my meds i sleep 10+ hours. sometimes, well a lot of the time i still feel tired. a lot of times i wake up and either feel like going back to sleep or i just go back to sleep and sleep more. so this is another thing that i feel like i can't win. i feel so helpless with so many things that are going on in my life that i don't really know where to turn. and when i go to therapy there is only so much you can say in 45 minutes and talking to the med doctor i only have 15 minutes. i don't know how to handle my thoughts. i don't know which ones to push away, i obcess over others, and don't tend to think about the important ones enough. i am so dumb i was thinking what to type next and i thought to say why don't i sleep or something like that even though i just explained why i feel like that. thats another thing. when i get advice anywhere from my therapist to my mom, i don't seem to retain the things that matter. i remember the trivial things and can't seem to grasp the things that i should be paying attention to. its hard having a mind like mine. its hard to delve into the things. the things (2 of 'em) that 4 people know i think i have decided are going to stay between those 4. it was too hard to do it today. and maybe i shouldn't have. i don't know. i just feel like i shouldn't have told anyone. sometimes deep dark secrets should stay deep dark secrets. i change my mind. i still wish my mom was here. i wouldn't have gotten this out, but after this i will be left to my thoughts. i'm crazy. i feel crazy. its like the saying to walk in someone elses shoes, instead, walk around in my brain. its hard thinking the way i do, meds or not. because meds aren't the fix it, but the helping mechanism. but even with the meds my mind isn't a happy place. but like mom says happiness is a fleeting thing. most of the time its just contentment. but even with that i am not content most times. i push for things like i push for happiness like when i am sad i think, as an example, if i buy this thing i really want then i would be happy for a time. even if i goes on the credit card because paying that is the future. i guess. i donno if i will even feel this way later. thats another thing about me, i change my mind, i change my views. some things that i think one day i think completely different the next day. is that normal? how can you change your views on things from day to day? god its cold outside. brrrr... i think i am going to go in in a minute. i could probably go on for hours (why do i keep typing house...i must be tired or its force of habit) i should go get a pack of cigarettes, but i should go to bed. hmm.. decisions decisons. i guess i should try and pass out. thanks for listening to my crazy rant blog. its been a rough couple of hours/days/years. hopefully i can feel comfortable enough to do this again. i don't know if it helped, but it keeps me from thinking. well thinking about one thing over and over. i can't even explain that the way i want to so yeah its time for bed. wow first, then bed. i need to unwind first. nighty night bloggie blog.
i tried to get my mom to stay home today. i am at the point of craziness where i hate to be alone. i almost called the crisis center but whats the point. i have to explain things to them and its better most of the time with me now to talk to people who already know what is going on with me. some things are hard to repeat. some things are just hard. i keep digging myself into bigger holes and i wonder if i will ever get out. i do some things that make me happy but i always get brought back down to the hole. i have been on disability a little over 6 months and even people make me feel bad about that. i have to prove to people that i need it. i can't work. how can i work when i can't sleep (at times) and i end up staying up for 30 hours, sleep for 12, up for 6, sleep 18, up for 36. i can't think straight. i have problems dealing with simple problems. (ironic isn't it blog that i am explaining this to you but i don't want to call the crisis center, maybe its just because you don't talk back...see i'm not even making sense to myself) i am in debt close to 6,000 dollars. all my own doing and i take the blame for it. i have to. i lost my hank almost a year ago. god do i miss him. i don't idolize him like people think i do. i mean he was a straight up asshole at times. i mean there were times i wanted to punch him in the face. but i love him and always will. he didn't just love me, he cared for me. you don't automatically get that with people. i had respect, love, companionship, and so many other things with him. most fuckers wouldn't get past the 987 poinds...but there is so much more to a person than weight, and anything else people can be shallow about. i miss him. i know (being as things stood) that right now i could have called him and told him i needed to talk and tell him my feelings. he wouldn't have solved them, and i wouldn't have asked him to but he probably would have made me laugh. what more could you ask for? i want to have a baby one day. i know he didn't like the idea of children but it would have been nice to have his child, but i will never get the chance. i guess i am so content being alone relationship wise because i feel like i lost someone so important to me i am scared to get close again and i compare people to him. i feel bad i cheated on him. if i could take it back...i don't know if i would have changed it because me leaving him at the time got him into the hospital. but i think i wouldn't have been able to get him into the hospital in time, if ever. we never really talked about it but i hope he forgave me. it was hard watching him slowly die. every time i saw him i wasn't sure if i would ever see him again. i wish i could have told everyone to leave so i could talk to him before he got his trac. i was afraid and i kick myself for that when i think about it. i am his love monkey. he wasn't perfect, but he was good for me. i think of all of these problems i have now and i think of the good things...i have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, people who love me and are close to me...but sometimes even that isn't enough. it's hard to move on in so many senses of the word. i am afraid of/hate being alone. i strive for it at times, but its hard with what is going on in my head and i can't sort it out all of the time and i am left with everything swimming around and i have no idea what i shoud do or where i should go or what i should do with myself. mom says i should work on getting better. its hard. i have been diagnosed with bi-polar and wasn't sure thats what i had because i fit the criteria but i still wasn't sure until i went to my therapist and she said i was in a manic phase. i have been getting manic a lot lately. like i said there are some ups. i did lose 30 pounds and i can fit into tripp size 15! but with me the bad always outweighs the good. there is no silver lining most of the time. i am not close to my dad, he has a different personality and its hard for me to mesh with his i guess is a good way to put it but i guess he is worrying about me a lot, he seems to tiptoe around me for fear he might say something wrong. i don't know what mom tells him, but i guess its just enough. i feel so bad for my mom that she got stuck with a daughter like me. i told her that and what she said i will keep to myself for now, but i still feel bad. because i tell her so much about what is going on with me. i don't know if i should tell her so much. is that too much to tell your mom? what makes me feel so bad is when i have to tell her that i am suicidal. i have no idea what it must do to her knowing that one of her children wants to end their life. she told me something like she would never get over it if i did kill myself and knowing that its a little easier to push those thoughts away. i don't want to be on medication anymore. there i said it. i know i need it and i more than likely will stay on it but it alters me in ways i don't like. blog, do you know how hard it is to see a funny movie, watch it, think its funny, but can't physically laugh? i hate that when i am on this shit i can't feel many emotions. i hate that. i hate that i have to run through everything that has happened in 1 month to my med doctor in 15 minutes. i always forget important things and i kick myself for not remembering everything. when i see her next i am going to ask her if i can see her every 2 weeks from now on because it will be easier to tell her the things that are going on and i am getting worse. i know blog you don't have to tell me that i need my meds. but can you see where i am coming from? i feel like i am slowly killing my mom. my mom is pretty much my best friend. she knows pretty much everything, and not just mom things, she knows a lot. she takes on so much with me trying to keep me in line. i am going to be 25 this year and i only have a g.e.d. and less than a semester of college. there's larissa (went to school with her from kindergarden to 10th grade) and she has a degree and is working or there is elise, went to school with her too, she's in law school. the longest i have been at a job is a year and a half and i haven't worked in...*thinks* i think almost 3 years. i have been in the psychiatric ward at a hospital 3 times and may be working on a 4th. but i don't want to go because there will be hospital bills i can't pay, insurance only covers so much and what if the meds they put me on do the same things that these meds are doing to me. i hope i didn't over worry mom because i asked her to stay home. i know that we need the money right now because everything is fucked up with money but for the time being blog you are helping me not be alone. at least with you i don't feel like i am asking to much. maybe i am mental and this doesn't matter but i think at times what if i am not crazy enough to be on disability and they think i am faking. i will admit sometimes i...should keep that to myself nevermind. i have been mentally ill for so long that it doesn't even matter to count the years anymore. i am almost getting to the point where i have been mentally ill almost half as long as i have been alive. its hard to write things like this on myspace because i am afraid of the people who will read things like this. in a way i keep things on myspace very watered down. if i get suicidal again...back to that in a minute. i think i should call my therapist in a few and tell her i should tell her things that are in my blogs. i think that in some ways just talking to blogs is a little more effective at times. there aren't any interruptions unless i make them and i can get the thoughts out as fast as i can type them. i am getting to the point again where i almost don't have to look at the keys. 1 point for me! things are changing very fast. or maybe i am so unused to change that when it does happen its a very big deal to me. blog therapy helps in situations like this because i might not feel better that this is out but it keeps me from overthinking on one topic because i have so many things to get out that i don't last long on one topic and that helps to. i overthink everything and i don't know how to compare on meds or off because that changes. i'm also a gemini. and i think i am aa typical gemini in a lot of ways. i don't like that i am not religious anymore. its kind of hard that i don't know what to believe. i was catholic for the beginning part of my life, and at the time it seemed right, then wicca called to me. that seemed right as well. then i got conflicting views on what to believe and its almost like i gave up on religion. i mean i believe in god, but i guess loosely. i believe that there is something but i can't find a religion that speaks to me anymore. and its hard, especially growing up in a religious family. it's still important to me, but i don't know how to feel or what to believe and thats the struggle. i don't know where to turn. mom is going to take me to see father stan and i think i will bring up my feelings to him if i get the chance. hopefully he can help me straighten myself out. i have faith in him, he was always a good person to go to. "the pollacks are here!" god its cold outside. i am glad that i talked dad into cable internet and that he was so smart in getting a cord long enough. this cord makes it right outside so i can smoke with ease. thanks to the face's dad i finally found the last important hank song. i made another mixed cd with it on it and it makes me happy that i know what it is now. i know there are a bunch of songs i will never remember and artists i can't remember that he listened to, but these songs are important to me. i spent $200 dollars on the credit card. in a way it was the last horah. i pretty much know that because of how much the lawyer is costing. but i feel bad for it because my mom talked to me about it and she said that some of the things i got were frivolous. that made me sad. i didn't even really try to explain it, and even if i did i don't know if she would understand. i feel bad because she did say that i should get some pants for court and i didn't even do that. i feel stupid because with all the money that i did spend i could have easily gotten pants, i did forget but i feel stupid, almost useless because it was a simple thing. i did remeber when we were going home but we had to get home and i figured we couldn't wait for another stop. why is it blog, that no matter what i do it will never be good enough in my eyes? is it the illness? is it just me? i am still torn because i wasn't physically there to watch hank die. and thats not even because of me. its because of his damn cousin by marriage. i know that he had nurses, on both sides of him holding his hands as he slipped away from all of us (or so i was told, but i hope to god it was true) but that fucker actually made me feel bad. i know that its heartbreaking that no one he knew was there when he slipped away, but did anyone ask me if i was even capable of being there. i might have went on a killing spree. my hank would have been going and how could you ask someone to be there, and do nothing mind you, just watch the person you loved slowly stop breathing. but no i am just a bitch because i wasn't there. i think some things happen for a reason. i think i wasn't there for a reason. i know that if i had to drive down there and watch it all happen i probably would have ended up in the hospital because i probably would have gotten into an accident driving back home. i was never contacted on arrangements and maybe because i am a bitch and wasn't there. it doesn't matter i drove an hour there at least once a week and stayed with him as long as i could and hugged him before i left every time and told him i loved him, no i guess that doesn't really matter. or the other times i was called in the middle of the night and had to stay at a hotel and wait for the phone call that he was gone. or the time mom and i "bellied up" to a bar for a drink because it was for sure that he was going to die and we had a drink and toasted (wrong word?) to hank. i can't find my pinecone from that day and i hope i still have it. thank you for thinking of that mom. i hope i can find it. *backstory* we had the drink at the bar and i asked for the bottle because i wanted a memory, maybe morbid but i wanted something and they wouldn;t let me take the bottle. i got a little bummed and mom and i went in the parking lot and she gave me a pinecone and said here, you have a memory. since he didn't go that day, i would look at it and feel hope. there were so many times he wasn't supposed to make it through the week/day and he pulled through. and i am so sorry hank but after a while i lost hope. i wish i didn't have to watch you pull at your trac tube, or ask you if you even knew who i was and you nodded no. i hope that you know i still love you and you will always have a special place in my heart that only alhzimers can take from me (tried for some of your comedic flair there) god its so cold out here, well i have been out here a while, but i am wearing chucks and my toes are still there, even if i don't feel them.
that is the first and last picture of hank and i together. there are so many things that were cut short and things that are never going to happen. i, we were robbed. things will never happen for hank again. he will live on, but probably until me and his family die, then people will never get to know what a person he was. and i only got to know him at the end of his life. i am glad i was there for that and even though all i went through that last year. i wouldn't trade it for anything...exceot if he was still alive. i thought at times god should have taken me, all i do is cause problems for people and i feel like a burden. hank gave with all of his heart. not for glory, not for fame, because he was a good person and didn't think things he did were worth praise. he did it because he was a good person. i hope that for the rest of my life, no matter how short or long i hope i can live up to the person he was. saying all this blog you may think i idolized him, thats not the case. i know he was a dick at times, but does that mean i have to say he was a dick at times? not really. i choose to remember the happier times. although the time he threw the plate...i still want to smack him for that. but the good outweighed the bad. in the end, thats what counts most. took me a minute to find that picture. i couldn't figure out where i saved it to so i had to get it off of myspace. there are some people who might look at hanks ppictures and make fun of him, even my friends on myspace, because people are dicks and my pictures of him are private becasuse fuck all them if they are that much of assholes. they are for me to look at. this picture doesn't show his weight much so i don't feel uncomfortable posting it. and its a very personal picture, but i can share it with you blog because you don't judge. people have helped me through this year, and without my friends and my mom i don't think i would have been able to get through this year without them. i think about moving on but its hard to let go. i don't accept change very well. i think if i let go it means i feel less. i have to get over that because in my head, as fucked up as it is in there, i know that its stupid. but it's hard. so many things are hard. i try, but at times i know i could try harder. i don't always give it my best. like right now, ok not right now, but close to now, sometimes its easier to give up/in to the situation. i have other things to say so many other things to say. i didn't really want this to be a hank entry but i should get going soon i have been out here for about an hour and like i said it is cold and it is 6:30 in the morning so i should attempt to sleep soon, so not much longer then i will be going inside and saying goodnight, hoefully, blog. sleep is a good topic next i guess...i don't like sleeping. i think it's because when you go to sleep you are alone and i hate being alone. ok but then i like to sleep during the day because people aren't here and i get scared/lonely so i try to sleep when everyone is going to work so that i won't have to be awake and be alone but i hate sleeping too. its nice not being on meds for that reason. i think sleep is such a waste and when i sleep and i'm on my meds i sleep 10+ hours. sometimes, well a lot of the time i still feel tired. a lot of times i wake up and either feel like going back to sleep or i just go back to sleep and sleep more. so this is another thing that i feel like i can't win. i feel so helpless with so many things that are going on in my life that i don't really know where to turn. and when i go to therapy there is only so much you can say in 45 minutes and talking to the med doctor i only have 15 minutes. i don't know how to handle my thoughts. i don't know which ones to push away, i obcess over others, and don't tend to think about the important ones enough. i am so dumb i was thinking what to type next and i thought to say why don't i sleep or something like that even though i just explained why i feel like that. thats another thing. when i get advice anywhere from my therapist to my mom, i don't seem to retain the things that matter. i remember the trivial things and can't seem to grasp the things that i should be paying attention to. its hard having a mind like mine. its hard to delve into the things. the things (2 of 'em) that 4 people know i think i have decided are going to stay between those 4. it was too hard to do it today. and maybe i shouldn't have. i don't know. i just feel like i shouldn't have told anyone. sometimes deep dark secrets should stay deep dark secrets. i change my mind. i still wish my mom was here. i wouldn't have gotten this out, but after this i will be left to my thoughts. i'm crazy. i feel crazy. its like the saying to walk in someone elses shoes, instead, walk around in my brain. its hard thinking the way i do, meds or not. because meds aren't the fix it, but the helping mechanism. but even with the meds my mind isn't a happy place. but like mom says happiness is a fleeting thing. most of the time its just contentment. but even with that i am not content most times. i push for things like i push for happiness like when i am sad i think, as an example, if i buy this thing i really want then i would be happy for a time. even if i goes on the credit card because paying that is the future. i guess. i donno if i will even feel this way later. thats another thing about me, i change my mind, i change my views. some things that i think one day i think completely different the next day. is that normal? how can you change your views on things from day to day? god its cold outside. brrrr... i think i am going to go in in a minute. i could probably go on for hours (why do i keep typing house...i must be tired or its force of habit) i should go get a pack of cigarettes, but i should go to bed. hmm.. decisions decisons. i guess i should try and pass out. thanks for listening to my crazy rant blog. its been a rough couple of hours/days/years. hopefully i can feel comfortable enough to do this again. i don't know if it helped, but it keeps me from thinking. well thinking about one thing over and over. i can't even explain that the way i want to so yeah its time for bed. wow first, then bed. i need to unwind first. nighty night bloggie blog.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i'm going to the party...
and i'm bringing...
an Avacado
a Basoon
Crabs
a Drunk
Ella Fitzgerald
a Filing cabinet
a Gallon of moonshine
a Homosexual
a raciest Indian
Jester shoes
a Klansmen
Lemonade
Mushrooms
Nationalist rhetoric
Octagon mom
a Package of gummy bears
a dragQueen
a Retarted sailor
a Sloppy slut
a Transexual
an Umbrella
Vietnamese poets
Whores
X-rated porn stars
Yeosemite sam
and
Zinc oxide
what a party.
an Avacado
a Basoon
Crabs
a Drunk
Ella Fitzgerald
a Filing cabinet
a Gallon of moonshine
a Homosexual
a raciest Indian
Jester shoes
a Klansmen
Lemonade
Mushrooms
Nationalist rhetoric
Octagon mom
a Package of gummy bears
a dragQueen
a Retarted sailor
a Sloppy slut
a Transexual
an Umbrella
Vietnamese poets
Whores
X-rated porn stars
Yeosemite sam
and
Zinc oxide
what a party.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Well...
I am coming up on the one year anniversary since Hank died. It's been a rough year. I miss him everyday. It's hard to deal with everything that happened...
It was hard when my grams went into the hospital a few months later and she was in a room that looked almost exactly like this one. It was hard enough watching him slowly slip away from all of us, but seeing that hospital room brought back all of the memories i spent in this room. It's hard to understand death. Its hard that you have to miss someone for the rest of your life without being able to talk to them or hug them or anything you would usually do. I miss you everyday Hank. I love you.
I have some other shit going on at the moment. I am going through a lot at the moment and its good to have a place where I can vent and complain and just tell you blog how I look at the world. Fuck my myspace blog. At least here those people won't see this. Mwahahah.
Gotta get going. WoW to be played :D
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