to bruce, who saved my life.

Through my years of pain many things have happened. My fiancée and I were together for almost four years. We had our version of a hand fasting and dedication to one another. Later on when we had broken up we met at places and got together the last time. My bipolar 1 was out of hand and I didn't want to live at all. I called my best friend who lived in vegas at the time an left her a goodbye voicemail. I called my baby sister and she didn't answer and I didn't want to leave another message so I hung up. I called my ex and said, "just remember I always loved you." I shut off my cell and drank more and took more pills. I was cutting at the time and I don't remember if I did cut that day or not. My ex drove over and came in the front door and some up my mom. My mom never liked him and I wonder how she felt that he had came in the house. He said she had to go downstairs and it was an emergency. I was holding the dog I convinced my parents I needed so I wouldn't be lonely. They both took me to the hospital. He got out and got me a wheelchair and went up to the window and said I tried to kill mhself and that I had overdosed. They took me back and I could barely stay awake. My mom and bruce stayed in the ER with me as my stomach got pumped. They both got in the elevator to take me to my room on the cardiac floor. I don't remember vetting off the elevator and the next three days I don't remember because I barely stayed conscios. The day I first stayed up he was there with my baby sister. I did see him years later and I don't remember if I ever thanked him...so bruce thank you for caring enough to come over my house to wake my mom when you know she didn't like you and thank you for not only being in the ER with me and the times after that you visited me. Most importantly getting in a car and getting me help, because if you would have ignored it I would be dead. So thank you bruce, I owe my lice to you.

It's been a while...

Some physical issues that I have have gotten worse. My legs are weaker, walking up and down steps almost makes me cry at times so I have the kind of braces that go on like socks and they have helped a lot to make it easier. The back pain is either tolerable or excruciating, between a 3 up to a 9. Depending on how sick I am depends on how my stomach will react. When the depression gets very bad i live off of pop and cigarettes so in turn I will get any number of things: having to literally run to the bathroom and have the runs and be in the bathroom up to 6 or 7 times in the bathroom for that. For a while I was waking up while I was on my back and I was choking on bile (I woke up one of those days and my tonsils were so swollen that I was choking on bile but it was caught because of the swelling and I couldn't breathe, my room is in the basement and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go upstairs until I could breathe again I was so fucking scared.) I still sometimes wake up with bile. The smokes and pop fuck up my stomach, I know it but sometimes I feel like I can't force myself to eat. I've been living in chaos of not straightening up but honestly I don't care.

Since it's been a while I don't know where I left off but I think it was when I came out...2012 it would be weird being that far without typing that long but I think that's where it was. The story of how I got there? I had dated this guy and all we did was doggy style because...I donno he had some fucking reason. I got depressed and couldn't have sex for a while and he said he was sexually active and if I couldn't do it for him he would find someone else to. I dated a sex offender, because that's smart. I thought that I wasn't straight (I have danced around being straight or gay or bi, bi wasn't good enough because I always felt I had to pick instead of being comfortable being bisexual.) I came out on my birthday while I was with my girlfriend, about 4 months in our relationship we got engaged and as shitty as it sounds, I woke up one day and didn't love her anymore. I broke up with her and finally settled that I was bisexual. I decided that I wanted to go back on the Plenty of Fish website again. My uncle found his wife there, one of my best friends found her husband on there as well. Oh, before I get in this I went to college and my first year and a half I had a 4.0 GPA and a letter my professor had sent to a special awesome (no idea what the name of the department was) like a merit of awesome I guess. She explained how I went above and beyond and my final grade for the glass was 98% it was English so that explains it. We had seven essay papers and all of them were As. The first was a low A and I got one that was 114% I had quit smoking and I had my bipolar in check. And then I fell apart and stopped going I hope I will go back soon but I don't know right now. 

So back to before. I had gotten a message and I was typing back and forth and we had a day set (October 28, 2013) to go out to the drive in. I was so nervous I kept putting my foot in my mouth because he is amazing. He treats me like a lady and on our first date I was already falling for him. I was hospitalized that December and my bestie cousin gave him the number and he called me on Christmas. I do this weird thing that doesn't make sense but whenever he calls I know its him but I always ask. When I met him all I thought was, "this is it, he's the one." If I could I would marry him right now. In saying that I think he's finding a way to break up with me. We live a short long distance. I used to be able to see him once a week but now it's once a month. He has sent me two messages this whole month. I messaged him today thinking if he's gonna break up with me just rip off the bandaid. I have always felt more. I told him I loved him and he said he wasn't ready to say it back and I understand that and I don't fault him for it at all. I try (or is it tried now?) it's been a year so it kinda hurts a little but I always kept thinking that there is time for it. We have shared intimacy with each other that we haven't said to anyone else. He's hot, and tall, I love his butt, he's amazing in bed, and I love him with every fiber of my being. One of the messages was something like I don't want to talk about it on here. So I'm guessing text messages or Facebook messages or maybe even phone calls. I was always feeling more than he did, I love him with a high intensity. I love him and I want him to be my husband. I wish he felt that way too.