with everything that has been happening lately, i have just been so upset i don't know where to turn so i am trying to sit back and relax and try not to let it bother me. i know that things are going to be hard so i am going to take my meds and hope i can relax enough to sleep so i can get up and go tomorrow. i have so much on my mind and i can't piece it together. i am
i think i just need my bed. a couple =3 and im passing out.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
things are finally getting better
its been years of torment and heartache, but i think i am finally finding myself again. i have been through more than i think i would even like to admit. i have finally found out that i feel good for the many setbacks that i have had, because that has made me the woman that i have become. i wouldn't have it any other way. i worry about backsliding because of what could happen if that happens, but i think that i need to live my life and in the words of jessica, make that flying leap. i have finally started my life, im 27, but some people dont get to start their life until way later, so i do feel blessed. some things still confuse me because of my illness some things never really make sense to me, and at times i feel like im being questioned for my beliefs and feelings...but i have to understand that people are going to feel the way that they do and that i am allowed to feel how i do because of this country that we live in. it has been a long battle and i finally feel like i am winning the war instead of being a bystander. life is hard for everyone but i think that i took that to literally, and that a lot of my problems came from the fact that i thought i couldn't do anything because life is so hard, but i am in college, starting to work on all of the things that were hard for me for so many years, and that i am realizing that IT DOES GET BETTER. i never thought i would utter those words. its invigorating and freeing. i was stuck under my illness for so long that i thought that it ran my life and for a long while i let it. so many things had happened to me that i saw those as failures instead of badges of honor. i survived trying to commit suicide, i survived losing the man that i loved, and losing one of my best friends, my Grams....That may have been the hardest. she was my world for so many years, i felt like she understood me in a way that not many other people did. she was my escape and refuge and losing her was one of the things i never thought i would be able to bear, but Grams, you have become a badge as well, a badge of pride and wonder, with all that you went through in your life and all the pitfalls and you kept getting back up and going forward i hope that i will exhibit that strength and as my mother says, "the women in this family have a core of steel, and you will find yours." i think you are right mom, i think that it may be a little bit of aluminum right now, but i will get there, with all of the help of my friends and family i am finally getting to where i need to be. the confusion is abating and i am finally getting the point of my life...TO LIVE!!! i was in the dark and worrying and wondering if i would ever get better, that i didn't realize that i could get better if i tried hard enough. momma said there would be days like this, days like this my momma said. and she was right, there will be days where i am fine and complete and there will be days where im gonna need someone to tell me that it's going to be ok.
i used to live in fear of opening my mouth kinda like Jenie and that makes me sad to think about. i may have had things confused of where to go next in my life but i think that going to school and getting bills paid down and finding my happiness will help me so much in the long run. there are things i wish that could be different, sure, but if i can't change them, then i am going to try like hell not to get worked up over it because it won't solve anything in the long run. i have goals for once in a long time and i feel like i am back where i started 10 years ago. i was a senior in high school and i was alone having no boyfriend to lean on and no friends to really lean on and at the time i didn't know i could lean on myself. its always good to have friends to turn to, but i didn't really know myself until recently and when i dropped out i think i lost a part of myself because i would have the "graduating" nightmares and i would wake up and realize that it never happened and that bothered me more than anything. but i didn't think hey, go to college and make up for it, all i kept thinking was i was a loser and nothing was ever going to get better. i am someone who needs the reassurances that i am doing alright. i should be able to do things on my own and i think that since i have had so many problems i think i just need to take it one step at a time.
i found a man that i care for in a way that i didn't know i could feel for before. he is moving across the country and i feel like following him where he goes, i'm just afraid to take that leap.
i am happy in a way that we don't mourn forever. god i will always miss hank and grams, but i don't think that they would want me sad every day for the rest of my life because i miss them. there will always be places in my heart for them and in a way part of me died along with them when they left me to deal with life on my own. i worry that when my mom dies i will find myself lost again. my mom is most of my world. what is that quote from the crow? Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. that's how i feel. mother is synonymous with god as well as where i should go in life, because who wants the most for you in life and want you to do well, that would be your mom. your best friend and the one who would open on her veins and bleed for you.
i want to accomplish many things and i hope that i can do maybe one or two, because i realized that if i put too much on myself it leaves me thinking that i will not be able to do it. i need to do things in my own time and thats fine for me. i hope that one day i will do great things and that i will touch people's lives in a way that i will be remembered because isn't that what's important?
it's been 3 1/2 years for hank and 2 1/2 for grams, and i miss them every day. its weird how people affect your life. i will miss hank forever mostly because i will never know what would have happened. would we have gotten married? had kids? stayed in love? i will never know. sometimes i day dream that things would have been different and he would have lost a little more weight and gotten to a rehab facility where he would have learned to walk again and he would have made the best of the rest of his life, but then i think about it all from the other side of it. maybe we came into each others lives to affect each other and to learn from each other. my life is forever changed for knowing him. i don't think i have ever met anyone with a bigger heart. he did for people, not because he had to, but because he cared. he is forever with me like his name on the top of my foot is.
i am trying to learn balance as well. i never really got that concept before. but things come as they will so i just have to be careful.
my eyes water a lot. i think that's because i get emotional about a lot of things. and i used to see that as a bad thing, but if something moves me in that way, i should be happy, not upset because it shows I'M ALIVE!
i should get going, i have uncle joebee's birthday to go to soon and i have to figure out what i am doing for the rest of the day.
i love the guy, i want to follow him. i want my life to go forward, i want to find happiness, and i am so happy with him. but moving away from everything else that i love and living far enough away that i won't be able to drive home and see my mom, my bestie, my family, my friends, i am just so scared. something like this wouldn't happen for at least 6 months, but i know there is the internet! and there is skype and e-mail, it's not all the time face to face stuff, but i would be able to at least keep in touch. and it might not be a bad thing. i mean i could get a lot out of it, and me i have to plan it all and think through everything that i possibly can. i haven't even brought this up to most people because i don't know if i can even do it. this guy drives me crazy and makes me incredibly happy. so i guess time will tell with what i will be able to do. at the moment i want to go and be on a plane, but i really have to think this one through. i want a family and happiness with the person i am with and i think he is the one i am supposed to be with. he gets me, and to quote my favorite chick flick "there is no greater feeling than to be gotten"
the thing that makes me sad about the possibility of moving is what if we work out so well and i like it out there and stay there. all of mom's kids would be in other states and i think that if we liked it out there we would end up starting a family and i think that might be a problem with me. michigan is my home, i love this state so much that i would miss it being billions of miles away. but at the same time Me told me, "NEVER give up a chance to be truly happy" and i feel normal with this guy, not crazy or ranting or evil or anything, i feel like myself and it all feels easy. it doesn't feel like i have to put on a show for him or anything, it all feels like it's supposed to be. i just don't want to miss out if he's the person that is my other half and i don't want to beat this to death with my friends so i have been trying to work it out in my head, but in situations like this i tend to look at it as glass half full type of thing. and when you have to look at things from all angles to figure out where you want to go, i just have problems getting there. i want to say that things will be happy and shiny and that everything will be alright, but in truth i don't know that for a fact. he's a good man i think. he treats me well, he loves me for me, and that's all i have ever wanted. other than the gotten part. thats all i have ever really wanted, so i want to do this, but it's so scary that i might not be able to do it and then i don't know where to go. he makes me want to be better. he makes me think that together we could accomplish great things. but i have been wrong before, and we haven't known each other that long, god do you see where i am going with all of this? it's fucking confusing where to go and to realize that i would be giving up a lot to follow a dream. with me it feels like i always have to explain everything and that i have to find out right away. the reality is that he asked me to come with him a couple days ago and i'm almost thinking that i have to figure it out now, i don't. i need to see if this can even last when we aren't 60 miles away from each other...but again, i love him. where do i turn? do i go? would he come back if i asked him? or would he want to stay there forever?
i'm also afraid of the cancer part. stage 4 cancer. good chance that if i went out there i would have to watch someone slowly waste away. that's also a lot to put on a person.
i had a new idea for a tattoo. i want to find the perfect one, but i want to get a heart on my arm, because i wear my heart on my sleeve. looked on google and didn't find one i liked :(
i have to get going, mom is going to pick me up soon. later blogger
i used to live in fear of opening my mouth kinda like Jenie and that makes me sad to think about. i may have had things confused of where to go next in my life but i think that going to school and getting bills paid down and finding my happiness will help me so much in the long run. there are things i wish that could be different, sure, but if i can't change them, then i am going to try like hell not to get worked up over it because it won't solve anything in the long run. i have goals for once in a long time and i feel like i am back where i started 10 years ago. i was a senior in high school and i was alone having no boyfriend to lean on and no friends to really lean on and at the time i didn't know i could lean on myself. its always good to have friends to turn to, but i didn't really know myself until recently and when i dropped out i think i lost a part of myself because i would have the "graduating" nightmares and i would wake up and realize that it never happened and that bothered me more than anything. but i didn't think hey, go to college and make up for it, all i kept thinking was i was a loser and nothing was ever going to get better. i am someone who needs the reassurances that i am doing alright. i should be able to do things on my own and i think that since i have had so many problems i think i just need to take it one step at a time.
i found a man that i care for in a way that i didn't know i could feel for before. he is moving across the country and i feel like following him where he goes, i'm just afraid to take that leap.
i am happy in a way that we don't mourn forever. god i will always miss hank and grams, but i don't think that they would want me sad every day for the rest of my life because i miss them. there will always be places in my heart for them and in a way part of me died along with them when they left me to deal with life on my own. i worry that when my mom dies i will find myself lost again. my mom is most of my world. what is that quote from the crow? Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. that's how i feel. mother is synonymous with god as well as where i should go in life, because who wants the most for you in life and want you to do well, that would be your mom. your best friend and the one who would open on her veins and bleed for you.
i want to accomplish many things and i hope that i can do maybe one or two, because i realized that if i put too much on myself it leaves me thinking that i will not be able to do it. i need to do things in my own time and thats fine for me. i hope that one day i will do great things and that i will touch people's lives in a way that i will be remembered because isn't that what's important?
it's been 3 1/2 years for hank and 2 1/2 for grams, and i miss them every day. its weird how people affect your life. i will miss hank forever mostly because i will never know what would have happened. would we have gotten married? had kids? stayed in love? i will never know. sometimes i day dream that things would have been different and he would have lost a little more weight and gotten to a rehab facility where he would have learned to walk again and he would have made the best of the rest of his life, but then i think about it all from the other side of it. maybe we came into each others lives to affect each other and to learn from each other. my life is forever changed for knowing him. i don't think i have ever met anyone with a bigger heart. he did for people, not because he had to, but because he cared. he is forever with me like his name on the top of my foot is.
i am trying to learn balance as well. i never really got that concept before. but things come as they will so i just have to be careful.
my eyes water a lot. i think that's because i get emotional about a lot of things. and i used to see that as a bad thing, but if something moves me in that way, i should be happy, not upset because it shows I'M ALIVE!
i should get going, i have uncle joebee's birthday to go to soon and i have to figure out what i am doing for the rest of the day.
i love the guy, i want to follow him. i want my life to go forward, i want to find happiness, and i am so happy with him. but moving away from everything else that i love and living far enough away that i won't be able to drive home and see my mom, my bestie, my family, my friends, i am just so scared. something like this wouldn't happen for at least 6 months, but i know there is the internet! and there is skype and e-mail, it's not all the time face to face stuff, but i would be able to at least keep in touch. and it might not be a bad thing. i mean i could get a lot out of it, and me i have to plan it all and think through everything that i possibly can. i haven't even brought this up to most people because i don't know if i can even do it. this guy drives me crazy and makes me incredibly happy. so i guess time will tell with what i will be able to do. at the moment i want to go and be on a plane, but i really have to think this one through. i want a family and happiness with the person i am with and i think he is the one i am supposed to be with. he gets me, and to quote my favorite chick flick "there is no greater feeling than to be gotten"
the thing that makes me sad about the possibility of moving is what if we work out so well and i like it out there and stay there. all of mom's kids would be in other states and i think that if we liked it out there we would end up starting a family and i think that might be a problem with me. michigan is my home, i love this state so much that i would miss it being billions of miles away. but at the same time Me told me, "NEVER give up a chance to be truly happy" and i feel normal with this guy, not crazy or ranting or evil or anything, i feel like myself and it all feels easy. it doesn't feel like i have to put on a show for him or anything, it all feels like it's supposed to be. i just don't want to miss out if he's the person that is my other half and i don't want to beat this to death with my friends so i have been trying to work it out in my head, but in situations like this i tend to look at it as glass half full type of thing. and when you have to look at things from all angles to figure out where you want to go, i just have problems getting there. i want to say that things will be happy and shiny and that everything will be alright, but in truth i don't know that for a fact. he's a good man i think. he treats me well, he loves me for me, and that's all i have ever wanted. other than the gotten part. thats all i have ever really wanted, so i want to do this, but it's so scary that i might not be able to do it and then i don't know where to go. he makes me want to be better. he makes me think that together we could accomplish great things. but i have been wrong before, and we haven't known each other that long, god do you see where i am going with all of this? it's fucking confusing where to go and to realize that i would be giving up a lot to follow a dream. with me it feels like i always have to explain everything and that i have to find out right away. the reality is that he asked me to come with him a couple days ago and i'm almost thinking that i have to figure it out now, i don't. i need to see if this can even last when we aren't 60 miles away from each other...but again, i love him. where do i turn? do i go? would he come back if i asked him? or would he want to stay there forever?
i'm also afraid of the cancer part. stage 4 cancer. good chance that if i went out there i would have to watch someone slowly waste away. that's also a lot to put on a person.
i had a new idea for a tattoo. i want to find the perfect one, but i want to get a heart on my arm, because i wear my heart on my sleeve. looked on google and didn't find one i liked :(
i have to get going, mom is going to pick me up soon. later blogger
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