ahh

i feel so sad lately. i have been single going on a year now and the only guys i have talked to are idiots and i haven't even dated since mike except brandi, but that didn't last long. i have been crying for a couple days. i know part of it is that i miss the girls but there isn't anything i can do about where they live, it just sucks i got to see them every day and now they are gone. i think my friends are sick of my bitching about everything, but you never complain blog ;p i wanted a family since i was a girl and i just feel like its never going to happen. i thought i finally was on the right med combination and i almost ended up back in the hospital. i feel better since my surgery. i have a better outlook on things, i want to get in shape and i have been watching what i have been eating as well. after i fully heal from my surgery its back to the gym for me. i want to do things for myself but i always saw myself brushing my little girl's hair sitting on my lap and being blissfully happy and i see people i went to school with and their happy familys and it makes me want to kill myself....i swear facebook is going to lead to my suicide. i had a life planned out that i never got to enjoy, i was supposed to marry my high school sweetheart and have kids and go to college and be a mom and i am getting older and i dont even know if i will be able to have one kid let alone more. its just so sad that the life i wanted isn't one i got. i am glad i didn't stay with my high school boyfriend but there are others i wish i would have kept. they weren't even perfect, but at this point it's better than being alone. its weird this shit doesn't hit me all of the time. sometimes i am very content not having to answer to anyone about anything and stuff, but the cuddling and the feeling like youre loved by more than just your mom. i envy my sister in law, she found my smelly brother and had her kids already, when they get older she will be young enough to still do something with her life, i feel like i fucked up and i dont get that chance. i feel like i am being left behind. i am going to try my damnedest to get to school this year but things always get in the way so im not sure, but even with that choice if i ended up having kids id be fucked by the time they got older because i would be so far behind. im sitting here in my parents basement going over all of my mistakes, missing exboyfriends, missing friends i never even really liked. basically feeling sorry for myself even though i am trying not to. i want to be with someone who will watch the chick flicks with me and give me tissues and calm me down with my freak outs and at this point i am feeling selfish about the whole thing. i shouldn't see anyone because i always feel like i am misleading people. i even put on my dating site profile that im messed up, in so many words, saves time from having to explain that later on, i still get people who message me but never anyone i am really interested in. it sucks, i don't really know where to meet people because of not being able to work and i feel like thats the only way im ever going to meet people. i need to get better so i can get a job and be around people again. i really hope i do get to school this year. i want to meet people and have a life again. i am so afraid of school when i went in lansing i didn't even do well and those classes didn't even have homework so i am really scared of whats going to happen., i have all these things in my head going off all of the time and i don't really have anyone to talk to about them and it makes me feel bad that i never know whats going on and that my illness prevents me from doing so much. i'm just listening to cannon in s over and over again. it helps me focus to listen to instrumentals when i am trying to do things like this, but i don't know many classical songs so it usually gets left up to this one. all i want is to walk down the isle with this song on. i think about getting married a lot. i was set with hank and had problems and then he died, i was set with mike but he didn't feel the same way. mom told me i should wash my hair because hank would want it that way because he used to like to pet my hair. i love him so much i think thats been the other hard part of dating. people don't always understand the tattoo or what it feels like to love someone so much and to have them die on you. i think about what i have lost everyday. if things would have been different i would be a missus right now. i might even have kids. kinda makes me happy no one is really presuing me online. i think that it's better that i am single right now, but not :( i am constantly confused. i am sick so i don't really want to subject anyone to my madness but at the same time i crave that feeling of being with someone.

on other notes i did pick up an iphone today. the $49 for it was too good to pass up. my old phone was having a hard time keeping a charge and wasn't really connecting to the charger anymore so i needed to get a new one anyway.

it's been bothering me how upset i have been getting so i am trying to keep it together until i see my psychiatrist and do the best that i can with trying to stay normal. i really want to watch sctardust tonight because it will make me happy and cry and im so glad mike showed it to me because its one of the perfect love stories and even though i can't get it in my own life its nice to watch it and have that wonderful fantasy take you away where you believe that someone would travel to another world just to bring you a fallen star.

where is my prince? where is my happy ending?